Dealing with enthusiastic punters ?

Emp_Fab

One of my pet hates about gigging is.... the people.    Specifically the drunk ones who insist on repeatedly haranguing you to play a particular song and can’t grasp that knowing of a song and knowing how to play it are different things.  “You know, it goes “(they sing the first line of the chorus)””.
Yeah, I know it, but it’s not one we’ve learned, sorry.  “But you know how it goes!!  C’mon, play it for me!!”.

Grrrr.

My other pet hate are blokes asking for a go on the guitar or women on the mic.  How do you deal with them without offending them (read: risking them kicking off in their drunken state) ?

How do you politely say “We don’t do requests and anyone who comes within three metres of any of our gear gets the cattle-prod” without coming across as curmudgeonly?

merlin

I recommend coming across as curmudgeonly. 

I've had many occasions where people want to play my sax/clarinet. "Thanks my good friend, but please don't ever suggest to put my instrument in your mouth". 

vasselmeyer

I always find "I'll let you have a go on my guitar if I can have a go on your girlfriend" puts them off.

sw67

I normally smile and show them the set list. Anyone in danger of stepping on my stuff or at risk of damaging guitars gets a push. . One venue i had to stop a guy falling into the band 3 times before he was thrown out. 

Neill

I don't mind enthusiasm of whatever sort.  What used to annoy me intensely is when you get a group of surly teenagers who just sit there with their backs to you all night. 

I do remember one gig where a young guy and his mate were desperate to get up on stage and they got the audience on their side.   We gave in in the end and let them do House of the Rising Sun whilst we were packing up.  Fortunately they were truly awful and even the well oiled audience were less than impressed, so I think it actually worked in our favour. It's not a tactic I would recommend though. 

Maynehead

Our singer normally just tell the repeat offenders to fuck off, and most of the time they do. On one occasion though the guy left the pub in a huff and when we were loading up after the gig we decided to watch eachother’s backs, just in case he was waiting for us down a back alley with a knife!

Emp_Fab

Specifically, what do you say to someone who approaches you and nicely says "Can I have a go on your guitar mate ?"

You can't really reply "Fuck off" can you ?  How do you explain that if he was sober and someone you trusted, it wouldn't be a problem but for all you know he could be a twat who might damage it and/or refuse to give it back until he'd finished the entire list of songs he can't actually play ?

How do you say "No" in a way that is likely to get them to fuck off without any hassle or bad feeling ?

Keefy

'I'm sorry but our kit is only insured for us to play.'

Sporky

"No. I have a highly infectious skin condition."

stickyfiddle

Keefy said:

'I'm sorry but our kit is only insured for us to play.'

And more importantly, if you have public liability cover, if someone not-in-the-band is "onstage" and knocks over a speaker stack you may not be covered for the damage to whomever it lands on...

ICBM

Emp_Fab said:

How do you say "No" in a way that is likely to get them to fuck off without any hassle or bad feeling ?

Just say "No" without the slightest trace of emotion. If they ask again, repeat without any elaboration. That's always worked for me, and I'm not a big bloke so it's not that I'm intimidating or anything.

They probably go away thinking I'm dull, humourless and up my own backside about my gear... which is fine by me and partly true. I don't take a spare guitar to gigs so I'm not letting anyone put their dirty sweaty hands on the strings and then having to change them.

blobb

Best one I saw was a guy continually hassling a (very good, old rocker) drummer in my mates band. He started off with compliments, then moved to within a foot or so of the drummer who dispatched him with a well timed head-butt, precisely taking the space of one of the hits in a rather sweet triplet roll. Biggest round of applause of the night.

cruxiform

I actually didn't know that Emp gigged. Sorry, I must have missed something. Must keep up.

ESBlonde

For songs not in the set I say I'd love to but the drummer/trumpet/keyboard player doesnt know ir sorry.
For people wanting to borrow my gear the answer is no!

Emp_Fab

cruxiform said:

I actually didn't know that Emp gigged. Sorry, I must have missed something. Must keep up.

What did you think I did then ?  Just moan ? 

EricTheWeary

We’ve had the odd drunk start singing/ shouting into a mic between sets and they’ve been deeply confused that nothing was coming out the PA. 
Any requests just politely explained that we love that song but we don’t know it as a band. Obviously sometimes we do and can say oh yeh that’s in the second set or whatever. I think the last request was for did we know any Carter USM which seemed very optimistic. 
My only memory of people borrowing guitar stuff was a bunch of bikers saying they were in a band and were going to use our gear. I looked around at my band mates who were already relinquishing drumsticks, etc, so I did likewise. Nothing damaged and they were truly awful. 

Plectrum

Telecasters are popular for a reason

KKJale

Plectrum said:

Telecasters are popular for a reason

It's always worth showing again... 

cruxiform

Emp_Fab said:

cruxiform said:

I actually didn't know that Emp gigged. Sorry, I must have missed something. Must keep up.

What did you think I did then ?  Just moan ? 

Of course not

p90fool

Well in the last year I've punched one guy in the throat, dragged another out of the door to stop my missus punching his teeth out, and "accidentally " clonked a woman hard on the hipbone with the lower strap button of my Les Paul, all for mic grabbing incursions to the stage.

Those were just the occasions when there was no security doing it for us. 

Every punter gets the benefit of a single, polite "no", after that we stick together as a band and all pitch in.

I've spent too many years wanly smiling and explaining things to punters, in lengthy, set-ruining tedium. At least two of us are red mist psychos when it comes to this stuff and the other three will always wade in to back us up, often to protect our pretty 4'11" singer from leering drunken creeps. 

Don't fuck around, seriously. I have zero tolerance for this stuff and the quicker it's dealt with the sooner you can build a fun atmosphere again. 

ICBM

EricTheWeary said:

My only memory of people borrowing guitar stuff was a bunch of bikers saying they were in a band and were going to use our gear. I looked around at my band mates who were already relinquishing drumsticks, etc, so I did likewise. Nothing damaged and they were truly awful. 

Interestingly the only time I have ever allowed someone to use my guitar was at a biker festival. He was very large - but more importantly very polite, asked nicely and showed me his hands were clean, then took off his biker jacket and checked carefully there were no zips or buckles on what was underneath...

... and then proceeded to play a couple of gentle Nick Drake-esque fingerpicked songs with it .