It Never Rains but it Pours

Blackjack

Sometimes life really is a total bitch.  As one or two of you may remember, I lost my dad last year after a stroke and a 5 year battle with vascular dementia. My mental health was shot to bits and it has taken me a long time and a lot of work to get back to where I am now. Life was a bit better, I have played a few open mic nights and generally reclaimed life as my own.

We had noticed that over the last few months my mother in law had started to act rather strangely at times and long story short, she has now been diagnosed with dementia and has deteriorated a fair bit over recent times. She cannot be left unsupervised now as she is likely to wander off or otherwise get herself into trouble. 

Then if if that’s not enough, 5 weeks ago my father in law had a massive stroke which resulted in him having to have brain surgery to stop the bleeding and relieve the pressure on his brain. We are very lucky he has survived it however he is no longer able to care for his wife and will probably need some kind of care himself. She cannot live on her own or with him. 

We had a meeting with social services yesterday but it looks like that will be a long and drawn out process to get care arranged for either of them. The hospital are talking about discharging my father in law but he cannot go home without having someone stay with him. 

Basically its all all turning into a total nightmare that we don’t really have an answer to. My husband works full time and cannot afford to give up work and I want to get back to work but right now it looks like I may end up having to help care for them. My hubby and I are hardly seeing each other and it’s only going to get worse sadly.

Life sure is cruel

Snags

No advice, but much sympathy having had to help with my gran's slide into dementia after my dad died. It sucks, and the closer you are to it, the harder it sucks.

thumpingrug

That all sounds like shit.   

If they are not already getting to apply for Attendance Allowance or PIP for both your MIL and FIL  (it depends on their age) and Carers Allowance for yourself as the person providing care.  

pintspiller

Life has a habit of dealing blows of a style and frequency that we can't cope with. Does your husband have siblings who can share responsibility?

LuttiS

That's a really tough situation
I work in the healthcare industry (equipment not care) and dementia is never a fun thing... If not already supplied (hospital should either supply on discharge or arrange with ot/stores) then I do recommend getting some stuff earlier rather than later even if she seems 'ok' now. I mean stuff like red bathroom equipment and the like. Get associations sorted earlier. I.e. red toilet seat/ surround so when she sees red, she knows it's bathroom. 
All the best to you, hope you find a solution.

joeyowen

Sending sympathies. Sorry I can't do anymore 

axisus

So sorry to hear about all that. Life can have some tough phases. I hope that something works out for you

Zoolooter

I'm going through the same thing. Both parents with vascular dementia, mum just had a stroke, now trying to navigate the maze of getting care for them. Plus, all their assets they worked extremely hard for will be sold and used up to pay for the care.

darthed1981

Really sorry things are so difficult, nothing I can say can make it any better.

I'd hope on TFB at least you are always among friends if that helps

ESBlonde

The Hospital can only release someone needing care once an assesment and package has been put in place. (Hence the stories of bed blocking by old people). If you offer yourself as carer their duty is done and you are lumbered, you also then have to go off and get the fiscal support from social services or the local council or whatever (I'm no expert).
If you make them sort an 'at home' package of care (cheapest option for them), you can then do your looking for work and pop in when you can/want to in addition to the assessed care package. Each region will be slightly different, but good luck and blessings on you.

Jimbro66

Blackjack said:

..................however he is no longer able to care for his wife and will probably need some kind of care himself. She cannot live on her own or with him. 

We had a meeting with social services yesterday but it looks like that will be a long and drawn out process to get care arranged for either of them. The hospital are talking about discharging my father in law but he cannot go home without having someone stay with him. 

My partner was a Care Manager for KCC so I mentioned your predicament to her @Blackjack. She said it was a situation she had seen many times. She did say that if the FIL needed care after being discharged from hospital there was, and hopefully still is, a scheme in Kent where the hospital provides home care for six weeks, not Social. She said something about Social then matching that six weeks but I'm not sure I understood that part. She soon slips into Care 'jargon' that leaves me. As @ESBlonde said, be wary of volunteering care where it should be provided by authorities. You'll end up lumbered. BTW she said 'Care' just addresses the essential needs and is not home help. She said that meal services should also be available. Perhaps the Social Services folk you saw said all this but there is a tendency not to mention things that come out of their budget if it looks like someone is prepared to do it for them

Blackjack

Thank you so much for your kind words, support and suggestions. We have made it very clear to social services that we are not in a position to act as carers and we are currently waiting for news from them.
My husband has a sister who lives over in Essex who comes to see her parents for a few hours once a week but other than that it’s down to us and his younger brother to try and keep the wheels on the wagon until social services come back to us. 

We we are getting there but it’s just so tiring. Thanks again for caring

Phil_aka_Pip

Sorry to read that @Blackjack hope something gets sorted out for you

Musicman20

Sorry to hear this. Best wishes!