Devastating News

Moominpapa

I don't know if you believe in karma Thomas, but I am sure you are earning it.

earwighoney

thomasross20 said:

Maybe I'm taking rubbish but I think sometimes I want to punish myself, for leaving marriage and the house too late...

... and I swear I've lost even more hair lol..

Thomas, 

To question yourself in such a way is a sign of humility as everyone who has some doubts in their own intuition will have doubts for their actions but at these times you have to listen to others who have known that your actions have been nothing other than exemplary.  

As for losing hair, you can shave your head or buy a wig but as the winter is coming it's a great time for hats. IMO I think the Russian type ones with woolly bits over the ears are pretty fucking awesome and would really suit you. 

Roland

TheOtherDennis said:

And ffs make sure you get some rest yourself, Tom. 

Let me put it another way. You’ll be no use to Sheena if you make yourself ill. You’ve got to look after yourself or you won’t be able look after her properly.

thomasross20

This is the last time I'm writing for some time. Sheena is out of it now. Been up for 4 hours but was unable to get in the shower, I felt it was unsafe. She doesn't know what's good for her anymore. Gave her a cup of tea but she spilled it on herself. I'm not coping with this, this morning. I'm going to speak to the nurse 11am. Thanks for all your kind words and support. 

guitars4you

I'm always worried about reading this blog, knowing the end result is inevitable - You are a star and I just wish you both could have had a longer time together - Not sure if it is a bonus or not, but my dad always says at least he had got to say thanks and goodbye etc to mum before she died - many die quickly in accidents and can't do that - I'm swelling up now as I type - We are all bloomin' useless at such talk but best wishes to you all 

viz

Best wishes to you both

edbolivar

Like everyone, I am always moved by these posts, and like many of us it also brings back painful personal memories.

it is almost 14 years to the day that my mother passed away, and much of that last year is a blur.
She too wanted to stay at home, so after the best part of two years balancing work, hospitals etc, I decided to take 3 months off.
As you describe it is exhausting physically and emotionally, in the end for a number of reasons the choice was taken from her hands and she was moved to a hospice.

it was the best thing that happened at that time, she became more comfortable and was looked after brilliantly, she also took solace from those around her and had many private conversations with a number of her neighbours.

My brother and I were then able to focus on spending time with her, without the weight of providing all the care.

i know no experiences can be the same, and that there are probably good and bad hospices but the good ones are brilliant and a great help.

shaunm

@thomasross20 you are stronger than me to be doing what you are. I am really very sorry to read the position you are in. I wish you guys the best.

TheOtherDennis

thomasross20 said:

Good to hear from you, Dennis! 
And thanks to everyone who always comments on this, you are good people.

It's hard because I want to do it all and these are her last days and I want to be there for every second. I'll never get that time back. Her sisters come round every week so I do go for a walk for an hour or so. I dare say I am "too" involved and will be quite a mess afterward as she has given me everything and to not have her in my life will be very, very, very difficult for me. I'm an "all or nothing" person so the grief will be intense, I know it already. I've put up a barrier because I can't break down when she needs me most, so I power on through everything and just "get it done," like you say. So I'll do whatever it takes. 

She's changed her mind about hospice - unless it's 100% necessary she wants to pass away in our new home. Everybody that knows us knows how good we are for each other. I'm glad to love and eventually "lose," and it's sad I have too many years to look back on all this. I wrote my piece for her funeral a day or two ago and read it to her; she wanted to hear it before she passes. 

Maybe I'm taking rubbish but I think sometimes I want to punish myself, for leaving marriage and the house too late, for living on when she's dying of cancer. I think there's a small part of everybody in this type of situation who just wants to "go" at the same time as their partner due to the intense feelings.

I have admittedly been quite exhausted lately and with a sore back, put on a teeny bit of weight, and I swear I've lost even more hair lol..!! I'll go down the steps too quick and fall or let something slip like a hot cooking pot and burn myself and it's mental and physical tiredness. Thank heavens I'm young enough to have some puff in me! Sheena would do the same for me. But I won't compromise her care, when Sheena needs two people to care for her, I'll get one of her sisters in or get her daughter's to help or get a stay over nurse. 

I often think.. what else is there to life? I've got a house, a car, a job, my education, I finally did play in a band, learnt guitar to an ok degree, been on holiday, met Sheena and got married.. If I got run over by a bus tomorrow I can say I've lived a good and full life already. The only things I can think to aim for are taking care of the girls and releasing this album I've been working on since forever!

 I'm going to have to start sleeping downstairs on the couch, where the hospital bed is.. now that she's starting to get confused. She's to my right just now, sleeping. In the corner are some red roses - I buy some every week for her. Oh, her son visited the other day. He could see her condition but chooses to make one two hour visit when he has two weeks off, doesn't bring any flowers, rolls his eyes at getting a photo taken, checks his watch frequently, doesn't "help" and tells Sheena how he's going dancing one night, hiking the next, out with friends the night after.. it beggars belief. She deserves much better. 

It's not like in the films. There's no emotional closure or goodbye or whatever.. it's just a gradual decline while life goes on for everybody else and you're left to get on with it. God I feel I'm talking such rubbish now, I'm sure you know what I'm saying. In many ways I like knowing I'm the primary care giver Anna loves those moments at 3am where I help her and hold her hand until she sleeps, just her and I. While there's is support from here and elsewhere though, I also feel alone and it's a dark and crushing feeling when I'm on my own. But there's more to come so I'd best get on with it. Oh and the whole euthanasia thing I hinted at before.. I don't believe in people suffering but her pain has been under control and she's had many good moments so I can see how it's a grey issue.

How is everything with you anyway, Dennis?

Ok, I'll try to get through this in order.

First, give yourself some fucking credit, man. You'll never save her life and I know you realise that, but it's what you're trying to do! It's completely natural, of course it is, but you need to take some of the pressure off yourself. I know you describe yourself as an all or nothing person, but you need to pull back a little bit. It doesn't mean doing less for her, or caring less, it just means doing something for yourself, because you must.

Of course you want to spend every minute of what remains with her, of course you do, but you can't - as @Roland said, you're no use to anyone if you fall over yourself, least of all her daughters who you need to be there for all the time, not just afterwards. 

What else is there to life? Fuck all mate - I'm not being sarcastic or trying to be funny, I'm serious. Far, far greater minds than ours have failed to answer that question. The closest I've ever come is whoever said that life is what happens to you while you're busy making plans for something else. You're doing what you can, and while you'll obviously be grief stricken when it all resolves, in time you will get over it and move on. There's no point thinking about that now, though, all I'm saying is don't try to get all metaphysical on yourself now, you've got more than enough to worry about.

As for her son, it's simply because he can't cope. He has no idea what's happening because he's blanking it out. It's perfectly typical (and natural too, probably). He'll come round in his own way, you just have to let him get there or you'll spoil any relationship you might have with him, which won't help either.

And you're not talking rubbish, you're just getting it all off your chest. You need to, posts like you've just made are a hugely necessary release valve, just keep on making them, Tom. Say what you like, say what you have to, no one thinks any less of you for it. (Wait for some joker to post "I do!" )

Take care, Tom, especially of yourself.

boogieman

I always take a deep breath before I look at this thread, thinking it's going to be the worst news. Youre doing an an amazing job Thomas, I'm not sure I can even imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you're going through.

One thing I'd say is please don't discount the hospice. They are incredible places and will really help Sheena and all of you in her last days. My dad died at home; the memory of him dying there is forever in my mind when I visited his house afterwards and that's never been a great thing for me. You may be able to remember just the good things that happened in your house, I don't know. Just remember it can work the other way too. A hospice is neutral territory that you can shelve or put away in your mind afterwards. The staff can also take some of the physical burden of caring off you too, to leave you just with "being with Sheena."

All my best to you mate, these are heartbreaking times but you're a star. 

TTony

thomasross20 said:

This is the last time I'm writing for some time. 

You might not be writing for a while, but we're all still thinking of you, and feeling for you.

Here when you're ready.

Snap

Hi Tom,

You are a pretty special fella. You won't realise it, but you are, and what you are going through is as tough as it gets, and by doing what you are doing, being with Sheena all the way is the expression of love that she needs right now, all the way through. If I were in her situation, I'd be content knowing I had you with me for each step. What more could be asked?

Your time together, all of it, is a badge of honour you can wear forever, knowing that every moment of it matters.

She knows you love her, you know she loves you: that's all that is important. Always Tom.

joneve

boogieman said:

I always take a deep breath before I look at this thread, thinking it's going to be the worst news. Youre doing an an amazing job Thomas, I'm not sure I can even imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you're going through.

One thing I'd say is please don't discount the hospice. They are incredible places and will really help Sheena and all of you in her last days. My dad died at home; the memory of him dying there is forever in my mind when I visited his house afterwards and that's never been a great thing for me. You may be able to remember just the good things that happened in your house, I don't know. Just remember it can work the other way too. A hospice is neutral territory that you can shelve or put away in your mind afterwards. The staff can also take some of the physical burden of caring off you too, to leave you just with "being with Sheena."

All my best to you mate, these are heartbreaking times but you're a star. 

Huge Wis for all of this. All of it. 

strumjoughlamps

TTony said:

thomasross20 said:

This is the last time I'm writing for some time. 

You might not be writing for a while, but we're all still thinking of you, and feeling for you.

Here when you're ready.

this, big time..

nick79

Hi Tom.
I haven't commented much on this thread, but i have been keeping up with it. Might sound silly but try to go easy on yourself. You have stepped up where many wouldn't or couldn't, you are one of the strongest people i have ever come across. 

Like everyone it's not easy to find the right words (i struggle more than most) at times like these but you and Sheena are in my thoughts pretty much every day. 

Longtallronnie

Every time I read this thread, I want to say something supportive but I’m utterly lost for words. 
Stay strong fella, you’re doing an incredible job, massive, massive respect to you. 

darthed1981

Been following this thread and would just like to send all my best wishes and my admiration, incredible job, incredible love described here.

Alnico

“Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

mrkb

Stay strong, I’m also lost for words, but you are an amazing person!

mudslide73

Tom, you're an inspiration to us all. Please remember to look after yourself and rest when you can. We're all thinking of you.