Life, stress, nostalgia; cancer related musings.

VimFuego

Not really sure what the point of this is, just me venting really (and you lucky people get to be the recipient), just some random stream of barely consciousness.
Got back from the oncologist, basically the cancer mrs f had 12 years ago is back, they've removed all the visible tumours, but they are sure that it will return, although because it's a very slow growing type, so there's no immediate risk, but the cancer cells are in here, they have spread and it's just a case of waiting to see if and when they'll grow, and where (it's already spread from the original site). But since this all started back in Feb I've been feeling really homesick, for want of a better word.
We moved here to NW Devon 9 years ago from S Herts (where my mum and family still are) and where I lived most of my life and mrs f lived all of hers. I love living here, but I've never felt at home, not in the way I did in Herts. And consequently I'm feeling a really strong urge to move back to the area, but Mrs F doesn't. One of the things I felt, when she was in hospital for 2 months, was that there wasn't really a support network here for me, I was her support network, but there wasn't really anyone here for me (I don't make close friends easily, shock horror I know). And I still feel stressed to the eyeballs, not really sleeping well, feel tired all the time.
Don't know what I expect to gain from saying all this, but gotta let it out I guess. 

Hootsmon

All the best man

mart

Ouch. It sounds like you need to move to get the support you need, but it sounds like it would be kinder to the mrs to stay put. That’s a really difficult one, and I wish you good luck in finding the best resolution for it.

Snags

Not sure I have anything to offer other than distant sympathy

But you definitely need to have some kind of support for you, both for your sake and so you can keep supporting Mrs F. No idea what 'works' for you in that context, but venting here, or Skype/phone with friends, or R&R weekends back with mates in Herts or ... dunno, but hope you find it.

earwighoney

VimFuego said:

Not really sure what the point of this is, just me venting really (and you lucky people get to be the recipient), just some random stream of barely consciousness.
Got back from the oncologist, basically the cancer mrs f had 12 years ago is back, they've removed all the visible tumours, but they are sure that it will return, although because it's a very slow growing type, so there's no immediate risk, but the cancer cells are in here, they have spread and it's just a case of waiting to see if and when they'll grow, and where (it's already spread from the original site). But since this all started back in Feb I've been feeling really homesick, for want of a better word.
We moved here to NW Devon 9 years ago from S Herts (where my mum and family still are) and where I lived most of my life and mrs f lived all of hers. I love living here, but I've never felt at home, not in the way I did in Herts. And consequently I'm feeling a really strong urge to move back to the area, but Mrs F doesn't. One of the things I felt, when she was in hospital for 2 months, was that there wasn't really a support network here for me, I was her support network, but there wasn't really anyone here for me (I don't make close friends easily, shock horror I know). And I still feel stressed to the eyeballs, not really sleeping well, feel tired all the time.
Don't know what I expect to gain from saying all this, but gotta let it out I guess. 

Even if there's nothing exact to expect from making such a statement, I'm of the firm belief it's good to open a dialogue when possible even if it is the company of strangers.  

I don't have much to say that from my own personal experience in providing support to a family when they have been unwell it is very important to avoid burning out.  

Hope you manage to find a way of getting back to S.Herts a little more and good luck with the situation. 

Jalapeno

You could build out your Devon network, hedge laying, log splitting, pub, open mics etc

You've been gone quite a while IIRC, are you sure that S Herts is as you remember it (Mum & sister aside), and what about missus' family ?

If you both want to get back close to family, then so be it, but I'm guessing but I don't suppose your missus wants the extra stress, different consultants etc (I'm sure I wouldn't want to be treated in Watford General ! )

VimFuego

thanks guys.

Jal, I know that my reactions are completely irrational, from most practical POV' life here is better, it's quieter, with access to countryside and sea etc, but I can't shake the feeling it's not home. 
Pretty sure we couldn't afford S herts now, the prices there are insane, seen quite a few we could afford around the letchworth area, or north of luton.
She was initially treated at UCH, and I know the consultants there have been consulted by the guys at Derriford (an no matter how bad it is at Watford, can't be worse than Derriford, the place is almost falling apart, how she left without an infection I don't know, and they are desperately short of staff there as well, scary) so presumably UCH would take over her care.
All her family have left the area as well (Bristol for brother and Isle of Wight for her sister).
TBH, this is me being selfish, I know I have to do what is right by her, but this is just me venting about how I feel.

sweepy

In the same boat fella, missus diagnosed with stage 3 Renal Cancer, so left kidney and 10cm tumour removed, one year on it metastacised to her right lung with 9 tumours the size of 5p coins removed over 3 ops so it’s now stage 4 and incurable with “firefighting” surgery the only option unfortunately. Having a good support network for both of you is vital and unfortunately it’s the case that you be the one “left out”in the understanding stakes. There are a lot of us on here that have a fair bit of experience with Cancer, the NHS, and what you need to do to try and keep it all together so don’t feel uncomfortable talking about it or messaging anyone.

VimFuego

thanks sweepy, and really sorry to hear about mrs sweep. It sounds daft and self indulgent, but no one ever asks how you, the partner, is doing. And I kinda feel selfish and guilty for feeling sorry for myself, I know as bad as it is for me, she is going through all that, and the cancer as well. I'm not normally a down kind of person, but this has fair knocked me back. 
Mrs F did make the succinct point earlier, she said I (as in me) don't want to go home, I want to go back in time, and that is so true. I want to go back to an idealised point before all this shit started.

TimmyO

Do you have a spare room? 

richardhomer

‘Home’ is an interesting concept; where you feel safe and comfortable I suppose. I think we are are capable of processing a certain amount of change at any one point in time - but beyond that it really starts to trouble us. This year my son has left to live with his mum after 12 years with me, my closest  friend has been diagnosed with oesophageal cancer and I’m in a relationship which started at the end of last year. The latter should be a plus - but actually the other two haunt me....

I can understand wanting to be in a safer, more ‘normal’ place, with those you know best. Not sure this constitutes advice - more a recognition that we all battle conflicting emotions at times....

VimFuego

/\ /\ Richard, yup that's kinda how I feel. There's so much change that I'm struggling to cope with it. Part of how I'm feeling right now is the doctors can't put a number on it, they know then cancer will come back, but they don't know when, it may be a year, it may be 12 years, it may be 20. There's nothing I can do to change that uncertainty, but I guess I feel that I want to remove those sources of uncertainty I have some control over.

EDIT: TIm, yes we do.

mgaw

fancy a coffee  @VimFuego as I think I am quite close to you, happy to meet up if you want or you can pop down to mine for some music company and coffee and a chat  PM me if you want    we dont bite and are friendly

VimFuego

thanks mgaw, I appreciate that.

ourmaninthenorth

My Wife's cancer has come back, not that it really went away to be candid, 3 months of remission is all she got. We spent a huge amount of time in Christies last year. We're currently going through an 18 week chemo protocol, 18 weeks, every week. Those that know what that means, know.

We were talking about this yesterday in the chemo suite, the past with all it's attendant plans and dreams and context for the future, are indeed a foreign country now. We are living and constantly adjusting to our new reality. 

In my view it's not really an empirical function, we are neither doing it well or poorly, we're simply doing "it"  - which in essence really equates to trudging between the  episodal onslaught cancer brings to people's lives, and trying to stay level. 

The pair of us are straining every single sinew, without pause.

 Help and support? Some of the best help and support certain people can give us is to leave us the fook alone. There surely must be other circuses in town that can keep them amused. 

Some people are all class, closed mouthed, open ears, willing hands. I prefer to dwell on their actions. Simply magnificent human beings. 

When all is said and done, I will endure for my Wife..whatever it takes, regardless of how long it takes. I realise the toll it's taking on us both, and it is exacting a terrible toll. Everything is in play, because everything..everything is at stake.

If you need a rant and rave in some safe ears Vim, give me a shout. I get it. 

Paul.

TimmyO

VimFuego said:

EDIT: TIm, yes we do.

I'd love to come and see you - it's been a very long time - I'll bring a guitar and a mandolin (I upgraded from the one you gave me) and you can teach me how to pay something on the latter! 

VimFuego

'In my view it's not really an empirical function, we are neither doing it well or poorly, we're simply doing "it"  - which in essence really equates to trudging between the  episodal onslaught cancer brings to people's lives, and trying to stay level. ' this is what we were saying this morning, we're not really living, just kinda existing, just plodding along, with no real idea of where we're going. I feel like we're held up in a flooded river, all we can do is go with the flow and hope to keep our heads out of the water. 

Tim, I appreciate the thought, I really do, but mrs F is a very, insanely so, private person. When her sister offered to come up and stay, she had a freak out at the idea. She gets very anxious around people. She always jokes that it's her brain that is making her ill. 
Besides, the spare room currently is loaded to the gunnels with all her crap (mind you, so is the rest of the house).

TimmyO

No worries

Interesting though - what you describe might add another insight to the feeling of isolation you mention? 

VimFuego

I think there's no doubt that we're both too dependent on each other. Neither of us really regard ourselves as individuals, she's a part of me, and vice versa. We're both introverts, though she is far more introverted than I am, and we both have always struggled in groups of people. I dunno if this is normal, or if we are oddballs, it's the only serious relationship I've ever known, so have no experience outside of it. I always joked that she needed to get out and meet people cos I'll probably drop down dead one day like my dad did and she needs people around her.