Joke for today....

spark240

I got a dog from a Blacksmith ....

No sooner I got him home he made a Bolt for the door.

 

munckee

Wow did you get that one from fozzie bear : )

thecolourbox

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending we were detectives. She suggested we split up.

I said, Great idea! We can cover more ground that way

DB1

I'll try this one...

A chap starts work on Monday. He does a great job and fits in with the work and the other staff straight away. Really impressive. Same on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and his boss is delighted, thinking that he'd found a valuable new member of staff.

On Friday he phones up and says to his boss, 'I can't come in today'. His boss, a bit taken aback, asks why not, and the bloke says 'because I'm sick'. 'Oh, OK, says the boss.

He comes in again on the Monday and nothing more is said - Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday go by and the new employee is superb again. Friday comes, and it's the same phone call with the same reason - 'I'm sick'.

This happens for the next three weeks and on the Monday his boss, exasperated, calls him into his office and explains that he has no issue with his work , but every Friday since he joined the company, he's phoned up and says that he can't come in because he's sick. It's about time that an explanation was forthcoming. 

The employee says, 'oh, alright, I'd better tell you the truth. My sister's recently started having difficulties with her husband, and she gets every upset. Anyway, every Friday her husband goes fishing and I go round there early in the morning to comfort her and have a chat and a coffee. Anyway, one thing always leads to another, and we end up in bed together for most of the day.'

'Oh my god', cries his boss - 'that's disgusting!

'Yeah, I know', replies the chap. 'I told you I was sick'.




I'll get me coat. 

equalsql

A chap walks into a bar with his pet three legged pig and orders a pint of bitter for himself and half of shandy for his pig.

The other customerer look at the pig in disbelief and start laughing at this odd pair as the pig snuffles up his shandy from a small bowl that the chap has decanted it in to..

As the laughter gets louder the owner of the pig rises out of his chair and shouts at the top of his voice: "Don't you dare laugh at my pig, don't you DARE!!

"That pig you're laughing at saved my little girl's life more than once. She fell in the pond at the bottom of my garden and the pig heard her cries. It jumped the wall of it sty and ran to the pond, dived in and pulled my daughter out onto the bank. If it wasn't for this pig my precious little girl would have drowned!".

With this revelation the crowd in the pub went quiet..

"And!".. exclaimed the pig's owner. "Not only that.. a month ago I was woken by the sqeals of the pig during the night. My house had caught fire and my wife and I got out just in the nick of time. That three legged pig ran into the burning building, up the stairs into my daughter's bedroom, dragged her out of bed and carted her out the house to safety! I owe me and my wife and daughter's life to this pig so don't you ever laugh at it.. it's a damn hero no less!"

This time there was silence in the pub.

After a few minutes of cogitation a little voice from the back of the pub called out..

"OK then..but why's he got only three legs then?"

"Well then" said the owner.. "When you've got a pig like that... you wouldn't eat it all at once would you!"

www

I’m getting sick and tired of people moaning about the prices of everything. £1.70 for coffee £2.50 for cake, £3.00 for parking.

If this carries on I’m going to stop inviting people round. 

fastonebaz

A man went to the doctor complaining of a rash on his balls.  After a few minutes the doctor put his hand reassuringly on thr man's shoulder and said "I'm afraid to tell you you're going to have to stop masturbating"

"Oh no, why?"  Said the man. 

The doctor replied "Because it's putting me off"

richardhomer

I see vinyl sales have risen again. The highest since records began....

RandallFlagg

Did you hear about the man who drowned at the breakfast table while eating a bowl of muesli?

he was pulled under by a strong currant

richardhomer

Tried to tile my bathroom. About half of them fell off straight away. Seems I have erect tile dysfunction....

jonnyburgo

Man- doctor my penis looks like a Strawberry

Doctor- yes it does, you need some cream for that.

beed84

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Chinese man and an Indian man walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them all and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

Nitefly

A girl walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a double entendre".

So the barman gave her one.

p90fool

Nitefly said:

A girl walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a double entendre".

So the barman gave her one.

This is one of those rare jokes that will always be funny, no matter how old it gets. 

proggy

To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you, I have contacts.

boogieman

I spent two hours last night defrosting the fridge. 

Or “foreplay” as she prefers to call it. 

thecolourbox

My neck, my back...

HAL9000

proggy said:

To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you, I have contacts.

...and to the wheelchair-bound man wearing a camouflage jacket who stole my wallet - you can hide but you can't run.

...and to the man who stole my espresso supplies - how do you sleep at night?

proggy

HAL9000 said:

proggy said:

To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you, I have contacts.

...and to the wheelchair-bound man wearing a camouflage jacket who stole my wallet - you can hide but you can't run.

...and to the man who stole me espresso supplies - how do you sleep at night?

...and to the person who stole my antidepressants - I hope you're happy now.

beed84

proggy said:

HAL9000 said:

proggy said:

To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you, I have contacts.

...and to the wheelchair-bound man wearing a camouflage jacket who stole my wallet - you can hide but you can't run.

...and to the man who stole me espresso supplies - how do you sleep at night?

...and to the person who stole my antidepressants - I hope you're happy now.

...and to the person who stole my coat – I now have no idea what to do after I've told a bad joke. I'll get my— 

kossofffan

What do seaside donkeys have for lunch?













About half an hour!