Joke for today....

boogieman

A male whale and a female whale are swimming along when the male recognises a Japanese whaling ship that harpooned his brother. He is incredibly angry and wants to get his revenge, so he asks the female to help. 

“How about this.....we swim underneath the boat and blow loads of bubbles through our blowholes. That should really rock the boat and make it sink!” 

The female agrees, they try the plan and it works. Then the male notices the crew are swimming for the shore. He gets even more angry that these men who killed his brother are escaping, so he asks the female for help again. 

“Right, how about we swim over and eat all those horrible men that got my brother. What do you say?”

The female replies “Look, you’re a nice guy and I went along with the blowjob but there’s no way I’m swallowing any seamen”. 

matdotcodot

 "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."

 Darren Walsh, Edinburgh Fringe. 2015.

octatonic

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. 

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
 

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
 

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

 "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

PhilW1

An elephant is walking around a lake in the jungle wrapped in just a towel, he stops a monkey swimming and says
“” Oi ,get out now!”,, the monkey gets out , elephant looks him up and down and says “ it’s ok ,you can get back in.”
He carries on walking and the next animal he sees is a meerkat,
”oi get out” he yells,,,looks meerkat up and down ,”it’s ok you can get back in “
next is a mouse , he makes him do the same ,then a Zebra, then a Hyena,etc,
The Lion King of the jungle then stops him
”whats your game then, elephant?,I’ve watched you walk all around this lake making everyone get in and out ,look them up and down then tell them to get back in,,what’s going on? “

“Some fuckers nicked my trunks” he answered.

PhilW1

Sausage and an egg in a frying pan
” ooh it’s warm in here” said the egg
 “Fuck me !!.. a talking egg “ said the sausage.

strumjoughlamps

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster but it just made him more slugglish. 

west

Two fish in a Tank ,one turns to the other an says can you drive this ? cause im fucked if i can ....

RandallFlagg

Sid the shark is swimming around when he comes across Olly the Octopus who is looking really poorly. 'What's up Olly?" said Sid. ""I'm not feeling very well, I feel really out of sorts today, I don't suppose you could give me a lift?" said Olly.

"Sure, hop on my back" said Sid and with Olly onboard swam off. After a few minutes Sid saw Kev the killer whale and headed over to him.

"Hi Sid, say what've you got on your back mate?" said Kev. "Hello Kev, well I saw you and just remembered" said Sid "Here's that sick squid I owe you!"

guitars4you

PhilW1 said:

Sausage and an egg in a frying pan
” ooh it’s warm in here” said the egg
 “Fuck me !!.. a talking egg “ said the sausage.

what is the best day of the week to cook  ?   - Fryday

strtdv

Crime in multistorey carparks: it's just wrong on so many levels



*credit Tim Vine

boogieman

If we’re doing Tim Vine....

I sold my Hoover today. 

Well, it was just gathering dust. 

kaypeejay

Www.conjunctivitus.com

well there’s a site for sore eyes

Haych

A bloke walks into a bar to the sound of raucous laughter and sees a chap near the bar cracking jokes to the delight of the rest of the punters. 

As he orders a drink the comic starts his next joke:

”What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry”.

The crowd erupts with laughter once again but the chap sees red and is having none of it. 

“Hey, that’s not on” he says. “My brother had epilepsy and he died in the bath, I find that last joke in really bad taste”.

The comic now looks a bit sheepish and says, “I’m really sorry, I meant no offence. How did your brother die, did he drown?”

The man replies, “No, he choked on one of my socks”.

proggy

The ex-Captain Kirk and TJ Hooker actor has been forced to discontinue his ladies lingerie range due to lack of sales.

In hindsight, 'Shatner Knickers' wasn't the best choice of name.

Haych

A moth went to a podiatrist's office. He dramatically told the doctor about his boss who delighted in exerting power over him; about the aged stranger his wife had become; about his son whom he feared no longer loved him. After all these details about his life, the podiatrist said, "You know, pal, I sympathize but you need a psychiatrist, not a podiatrist. Why did you come in here?" The moth answered, "Your light was on!"

Haych

What has one finger and is incredibly demanding?

A ransom note!

I’m here all week, folks!

proggy

I sent my hearing aids off to be repaired months ago now, and I haven't heard anything since.

Deadman

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can't beat a wank.

Roysterdoyster

Did you hear the Police have raided a Thalidomide home?

A quantity of small arms has been found! 

Nunogilberto

Two deaf friends visit a local pub one evening for a drink. One of them decides to go and get the drinks in.

Deaf man 1: I’ll have two pints of bitter please.

Barman: That’s £12 please.

Deaf man 1: £6 a pint! Why so expensive?

Barman: We’ve got live entertainment tonight so it’s going towards that. A bit of music.

Deaf man 1: Oh, fair enough. Is it rock n roll music?

Barman: No.

Deaf man 1: Is it punk music?

Barman: No.

Deaf man 1: Aww. I like punk music. Is it Jazz music?

Barman: No, it’s country and western.

The deaf man returns to his friend and sits down, putting the drinks on the table.

Deaf man 1: £6 a pint!

Deaf man 2: £6 a pint! Why so expensive?

DM1: they’re having some live music apparently.

DM2: Ah right. Is it rock n roll music?

DM1: No

DM2: is it punk music?

DM1: No.

DM2: Aww, I like punk music. Is it Jazz music?

DM1: No. Some cunt from Preston...