Joke for today....

HAL9000

My wife’s angry with me for having a coughing fit during a performance of Schubert’s eighth symphony; I guess I’ll never hear the end of it.

HAL9000

I applied to become a Trappist monk. I was told ‘no chants’.

HAL9000

A man is walking his dog through the church graveyard when he encounters the vicar.
’Morning’, says the vicar.
’No’, replies the man, ‘Just walking the dog.’

Haych

Shamus received a panic phone call one evening from his son:

"Dad, dad, I don't know what to do.  I've run over a pig with me tractor and he's still stuck under the front wheels squealing and all, what do I do?"

"Ah, son, I'm sorry but you have no choice but to shoot it, put it out of its misery will ya!"

The phone went silent for a few seconds and Shamus heard a massive bang over the phone.  A few seconds later his son was back on the phone:

"Ok, dad, I've done it, now what should I do with his motorbike and speed gun?"

Haych

A woman went into a sex shop. Checking out the merchandise, she noticed a variety of "self-entertainment devices." She asked the clerk, "I can understand most of these prices, but why is that one ugly dildo so expensive?" The clerk replied, "Oh, ma'am, that's no ordinary dildo. That's a genuine 'voodoo penis!' Let me show you..." He placed the wrinkled little thing on the counter and said, "Voodoo penis, up!" Immediately, the wrinkled thing stood erect and really did resemble a penis. "Voodoo penis, my right hand." Zip! The voodoo penis flew into the clerk's right hand. "Voodoo penis, left hand." Zip! It flew to his other hand. "And it never needs batteries!" The woman was sold. She couldn't wait to try it out. She was scarcely out of the car park before she said, "Voodoo penis, my vagina." Zip! It started to work, and flawlessly! Her driving becomes erratic, she has trouble breathing, and suddenly she realizes: "I forgot to ask the clerk how to make it stop!" She was driving all over the road until finally a policeman pulled her over. She tried to explain to him what was happening down there. "I know... I was breaking... nearly every... traffic law... ooohhh officer, but you see... I have a voodoo penis that I... can't stop..." The policeman sneered and said sarcastically, "Oh, come on, lady! You can make up a better excuse than that! Voodoo penis, my ass!"

munckee

Sharon and Tracy were stumbling home from a boozy night out when they both needed a pee.  Passing a church they nipped in and crouched down behind some grave stones.  Sharon pee’d all over her knickers and threw them in a bush, then they stumbled off home.

Next morning Sharon’s husband phones Tracy’s husband and says “I’m gutted I think she’s having an affair, she came back from the pub last night without her underwear.” 

Tracy’s husband says “You think you’ve got problems, I found a card in Tracy’s pants that says ‘you’re the greatest we’ll miss you from all the lads at the fire station!!’.”

munckee

Steve has become fed up with living in the big city so moves into the middle of nowhere for some peace and quiet.  He keeps himself to himself, but after a while he is getting a bit lonely and bored and hasn’t spoken to anyone.

One day there is a knock on the door, Steve opens it and there is a hideous looking man dressed in dirty work clothes with one eye a scruffy beard and a hook for a hand.  The man says:

“Alreet, I’m throwing a party and as you are new around ere I thought I would invite ee.”

 

Steve thinks the bloke looks crazy but loneliness gets the better of him and he says he’d love to go.  The man says:

“I should warn ee there might be some pretty hard drinking.”

 

Steve thinks he has done London pub crawls loads of times and says it will be fine.  The man says 

“I should warn ee it’s a country party, likely be some fighting.”

 

Steve thinks he can handle himself and says that’s fine.  Then the man says 

“parties round ere get a bit nuts, likely be some pretty dirty sex goin on!”

 

Steve hasn’t seen a woman in weeks and says that sounds great.  He asks the man what he should wear.  The man scratches his beard with his hook and says: 

“no matter – there’ll just be the two of us…”

boogieman

Two hobos meet on a lonely stretch of railway, up in the mountains. 

“How you doing Abe, done anything interestin’ lately?”

”Ayup, I had me some really hot sex with a woman last week.”

”You don’t say! Women normally don’t want to know the likes of us. How’d you manage to talk her into doing it?”

”There wasn’t a whole lot of talkin’ Joe. She’d been hit by a train and killed. I can’t afford to be choosy though, so I took my chance”

Joe considers this for a while, then says “I guess not. Did she have a good looking body?”

”Well, jeepers I don’t rightly know. I only found her head”. 

Haych

John O'Riley was at a member of an Irish Toastmasters Club where a contest was held to see who could quickly improvise the best toast. John soon piped up with, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife!" and he won the contest.

When he arrived home, his wife asked him about his evening.

"I won the contest for the best toast."

"Really, dear? What was it?"

Not wanting to embarrass her, he improvised again.

"Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church wi' me wife."

"How sweet, John. Thank you for thinking of me!"

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was shopping in town and ran into another member of the Toastmasters club.

"Hello, Mrs. O'Riley. That was some great toast your husband John gave at the meeting last night."

"Yes, it was," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't exactly honest with the facts. You see, he's only been there twice; the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

JAYJO

whats the difference between a wife and a Terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist..

Haych

JAYJO said:

whats the difference between a wife and a Terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist..

That's not a joke, though????

JAYJO

Haych said:

JAYJO said:

whats the difference between a wife and a Terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist..

That's not a joke, though????

Ok Then....... I have a mate in the ale house. They call him The Blacksmith.
Every time its his round he makes a bolt for the door!!!!

EricTheWeary

Haych said:

A woman went into a sex shop. Checking out the merchandise, she noticed a variety of "self-entertainment devices." She asked the clerk, "I can understand most of these prices, but why is that one ugly dildo so expensive?" The clerk replied, "Oh, ma'am, that's no ordinary dildo. That's a genuine 'voodoo penis!' Let me show you..." He placed the wrinkled little thing on the counter and said, "Voodoo penis, up!" Immediately, the wrinkled thing stood erect and really did resemble a penis. "Voodoo penis, my right hand." Zip! The voodoo penis flew into the clerk's right hand. "Voodoo penis, left hand." Zip! It flew to his other hand. "And it never needs batteries!" The woman was sold. She couldn't wait to try it out. She was scarcely out of the car park before she said, "Voodoo penis, my vagina." Zip! It started to work, and flawlessly! Her driving becomes erratic, she has trouble breathing, and suddenly she realizes: "I forgot to ask the clerk how to make it stop!" She was driving all over the road until finally a policeman pulled her over. She tried to explain to him what was happening down there. "I know... I was breaking... nearly every... traffic law... ooohhh officer, but you see... I have a voodoo penis that I... can't stop..." The policeman sneered and said sarcastically, "Oh, come on, lady! You can make up a better excuse than that! Voodoo penis, my ass!"

Anybody else think this was going to be the ' no madam that's my thermos' joke? 

jellyroll

Waddya call a deer with no eyes?

No-eyed deer.

jellyroll

Waddya call a deer with no eyes or legs?

Still, no-eyed deer.

Jimbro66

I'm bored while waiting for a car repair so here's one to pass the time:

There's a guy whose wife makes his life hell and he can't take any more. He's in the pub telling a mate who then suggests he hires a hitman. The mate knows of one and arranges a meeting. The henpecked guy meets the hitman, whose name is Arthur, and tells him all about the wife. Arthur listens and says "That's so awful I really feel sorry for you. I tell you what, I'll wave my normal fee and do it for just £1". "Tell me her habits and where she goes". "We'll," says the guy "every day at 10.00am she goes to Tesco for a bit of shopping". The hitman says "How will I recognise her?" "That's easy," says the guy "she always wears a bright red coat". "Great!" says the hitman. "By the way, my friends call me Arty".

A couple of days later at 10.00am Arty is lurking in Tesco when in comes a woman in a bright red coat. That must be her, thinks Arty. He looks around to make sure no-one's looking then leaps out and strangles her. Dead! He's just about to sneak out when he sees another woman in a bright red coat. "Damn!" Oh well, he thinks, so he strangles her too before slipping away.

Next day the newspaper headline reads:



Artichokes two for a pound at Tesco!

NorthernGooner

Jimbro........ yer cars ready!     

Jimbro66

^^ I told ya I woz bored :P 

spark240

JAYJO said:

Haych said:

JAYJO said:

whats the difference between a wife and a Terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist..

That's not a joke, though????

Ok Then....... I have a mate in the ale house. They call him The Blacksmith.
Every time its his round he makes a bolt for the door!!!!

Didn't read the opening post then...;-)

Haych

I went to the local Tourette's support group bake sale today.  I bought some shutthefucupcakes!