Unspeakable Players at a Jam night

Dcotorstewie

Morning all. 
I run a jam/open mic night at a pub near Manchester. It's a quite trad type pub, in that it's full of middle aged piss artists and their familes, (Over 18s only though ) and anyone who looks too hipster takes one look and sods off elsewhere for their beer that has bits in it. I actually love the place, and it's great therapy, because I am mental, though it is VERY draining, mentally and physically. 
Anyway, we have a couple of regulars who are...shall we say wanting in the musicality / ability / possibly knowing their own names department. The night is extremely casual, we don't care really how bad you are, but it's always utterly wonderful when someone turns up and is brilliant - it does happen. ( I mean, I am not a natural singer or guitarist, I am a drummer, but I front the thing because I am a decent frontman and like playing to an audience ) We have a full backline and spare instruments available for punters to use, as well as a huge selection of lyrics, chords and dots for a LOT of popular tunes. Think live karaoke. 
So, last night it being a very quiet one, we started with the usual opening tunes, and decided to keep it quiet with Springsteen's The River. During which, a chap pops over looks at the drum kit, and sits down behind it. "Ace, the night's first guest player, I think." 
Oh gods..oh dear, dear gods. he can't play. Literally, cannot play. he sort of hits the drums in a vague and seemingly almost random attempt to "follow" the melody. and plays the cowbell. Presumably because it's there.  You know the sort of thing, when you get  a kid playing a toy drum. 
And I can't get rid of him. He stays for another tune ( Hey Joe - loud and an opportunity to fight noise with noise )   and very luckily at that point, someone comes up to play guitar and sing, and, breathing a massive sigh of relief, I ask if I can take over on drums. The poor chap looks a little crestfallen, but hands me the sticks and order is slightly restored. 

I am wondering if this is a common phenomenon? I mean, when you do a live Karaoke, you expect folks who can't sing but just want to have a go, and that is kind of expected: you can cheer things up a bit with good performances and even a bad singer tends to vaguely know how to speak the words, but when you just get utter cacophony emerging from behind you halfway through a pretty quiet and reflective tune it can take you by surprise, somewhat. 

I am reliably informed he will be back. So, what do you do folks? how would you deal with this? I feel it's cruel to say "sod off, you hurt my ears, and sense of basic decency" but it really is like letting a deaf toddler loose on a cupboard of pots and pans. 

Ossyrocks

I ran a jam night for about 8 years. The motto is "if you've got the balls to get up and play, then we've got the balls to listen to you".

We had a few turn up over the years who could empty the room in 10 seconds flat, but you have to take it on the chin.

Rob.

Dcotorstewie

Pretty much what I was thinking...

Danny1969

I used to run one every fortnight, some of the standard of playing was dreadful but you gotta let them have a go. What I normally do is put the really bad ones on at the end for a couple of songs and no more. Don't let them scare the punters away

I would say to your budding Buddy Rich ....... sorry mate but you need to get more familiar with the material, lets pick a couple of songs for you to work on for next week .......... don't just let him loose on anything !

ten77guitar

I'm of the opinion that you should put the work in and obtain a basic level of competence first before you inflict your playing on other people. I'm all for 'having a go' and that but some people just take the piss and seem to have no awareness of how bad they sound. Sorry to say it but it's true.

CeeJay

This thread has given me hope. I wouldn’t have the balls if I didn’t at least know a few easy progressions. Maybe my time is near. 

midiman1962

Unfortunately you have to "suck it up" - imho he may come back a couple more times but then disappear

munckee

I tried my best, I thought I’d done really well..,

JezWynd

munckee said:

I tried my best, I thought I’d done really well..,

You were wonderful. He has no understanding of modern jazz.

Musicwolf

As the late Neil Innes said, "I've suffered for my art and now it's your turn"

Dcotorstewie

Danny1969 said:

I used to run one every fortnight, some of the standard of playing was dreadful but you gotta let them have a go. What I normally do is put the really bad ones on at the end for a couple of songs and no more. Don't let them scare the punters away

I would say to your budding Buddy Rich ....... sorry mate but you need to get more familiar with the material, lets pick a couple of songs for you to work on for next week .......... don't just let him loose on anything !

Well that's the thing, it;s not a matter of not being familiar with the material, it's a matter of him literally not knowing how to play the drums. At all. Not one bit. I am not exaggerating in any way. Now I could say : "You could do with learning to play" and suggest a teacher I suppose...as for other comments - yes I guess we just have to suck it up as the price of doing the night. 

Dcotorstewie

Danny1969 said:

I used to run one every fortnight, some of the standard of playing was dreadful but you gotta let them have a go. What I normally do is put the really bad ones on at the end for a couple of songs and no more. Don't let them scare the punters away

I would say to your budding Buddy Rich ....... sorry mate but you need to get more familiar with the material, lets pick a couple of songs for you to work on for next week .......... don't just let him loose on anything !

Well that's the thing, it;s not a matter of not being familiar with the material, it's a matter of him literally not knowing how to play the drums. At all. Not one bit. I am not exaggerating in any way. Now I could say : "You could do with learning to play" and suggest a teacher I suppose...as for other comments - yes I guess we just have to suck it up as the price of doing the night. 

p90fool

I sometimes test out original material at a local open night and often have to wait around for hours listening to everyone else. 

Generally that's fine, as you'll often find different approaches and ideas from other musicians whatever their experience or skill level, and luckily there are some musicians who are way better than me too. 

When someone truly is awful though I have to remind myself that that's who open mics are actually for, ie, people who for whatever reason are not gigging in bands week in week out and may never have that opportunity. 

I have plenty of outlets for beating on guitars in public and I even get paid for it, but not everyone is that lucky. 

mudslide73

We used to suffer the opposite where an ex pro (multiple hits and tours in the US in the 70s and regularly appears on TOTP2 rerun type shows) invited equally good mates up for a run through "Time" and "Hotel California" etc. Even us regular pub giggers were encouraged not to put our names down. Needless to say I stopped going after a couple of weeks.

Jalapeno

mudslide73 said:

We used to suffer the opposite where an ex pro (multiple hits and tours in the US in the 70s and regularly appears on TOTP2 rerun type shows) invited equally good mates up for a run through "Time" and "Hotel California" etc. Even us regular pub giggers were encouraged not to put our names down. Needless to say I stopped going after a couple of weeks.

They should naff off and get their own "name" residency and leave the Jam / Open Mic as it was

p90fool

Jalapeno said:

mudslide73 said:

We used to suffer the opposite where an ex pro (multiple hits and tours in the US in the 70s and regularly appears on TOTP2 rerun type shows) invited equally good mates up for a run through "Time" and "Hotel California" etc. Even us regular pub giggers were encouraged not to put our names down. Needless to say I stopped going after a couple of weeks.

They should naff off and get their own "name" residency and leave the Jam / Open Mic as it was

Exactly, open mics are about inclusivity and encouragement, not showing off. 

Stuckfast

There are a couple of local folk clubs which really suffer from this. For some reason it's the least competent, least self-aware people who turn up week in, week out and drive everyone else to the bar. I really don't understand how it's possible to play in front of other people at least once a week for five years and not get any better at all, or realise that perhaps it might be a good idea to actually learn the song you've chosen to perform.

Majorscale

I once had a random drummer get up who requested we play a few blues standards, all his choice. The thing was, he only seemed to be able to play one rhythm - which was in 3/4 time....it's very weird trying to play Sweet Home Chicago to a waltz backbeat!!

Jalapeno

I'd get the train crashes (like me offkey singing Heart of Gold) out of the way as early in the evening as poss, and the talent after 8:30-9:00

Blackjack

Oh crap!! I am beginning to think that maybe some open mics are not as “beginner friendly” or “all abilities welcome and encouraged”  as they say....
Maybe I need to review my plans to play at one soon based on some of the above...

Caffeine_Vampire

I ran one for a short time and had to deal with a Liam Gallagher wannabe. Every week we had to trawl our way through the same Oasis numbers. The guy couldn’t sing for shit but the punters absolutely loved him. 

Remember ‘Petey’ from the band camp in American Pie?