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I obsess over car cleaning, am on the Detailing World forum and use 2 bucket, wash mit, Dragon's Breath wheel cleaner (which is fantastic), and finish with a detailing spray, Bouncers Done & Dusted. I also use Bouncer's Bead Juice sealant occasionally and have been through no end of tyre gels and blackeners.
It can get out of hand though...I caught myself with some cotton buds cleaning dirt from the corners of the front plastic grille the other week.
Old school soak a chamois leather then wipe over the rinsed bodywork to leave a steak/spot free finish once it dries fully.
Use a car shampoo not dish soap or anything like that.
There are a number of modern wax type silicon which are easy to apply and last reasonably well. Or good old fashioned car wax that is an effort to rub on and polish (must be done in the shade) and takes half a day unless you have an electrinic buffer.
Beware of 'Europeans' washing cars in supermarket car parks etc. They use a mildly acidic wash that take off the dirt, silicon and wax protection all at once leaving the paintwork unprotected. Even traffic grime offers better protection to the paint! They will offer to wax/silicon finish too but it's often badly applied and uneven.
There are some reputable hand car washes, look for those that are not in supermarket car parks, are busy all the time and have a lot of luxury cars lined up to be washed, pay for a decent level of finish and you will probably be OK as they survive on reputation rather than convinience.
The only time I ever used to get a hose on the car is when I wanted an excuse to soak my daughters who used to want to help
I use Dodo Juice rain repellent on the glass, and twice a year the car gets a "proper" clean which involves washing, removing the old wax (fairy liquid works well for this), levelling the paint (I use a mitt rather than a clay bar), washing again, drying, waxing (and polishing any marks), then sealing the wax. I also use a wheel cleaner on the wheels to remove brake dust and then put a wheel sealant on the wheels, as well as treating the plastics.
The whole process takes about 10 hours but keeps the car looking good and easier to clean the rest of the year (and makes bird dropping etching less of a problem).
But let me tell you: it's better than digging a ditch.
FFS... don't let that stuff anywhere near good paint. That stuff kills the top layer of paint.
The more you *polish* the more paint you remove. Polish is an abrasive and removes a minute amount of the top layer *safely*. However, break through the lacquer and you'll know all about it.
Therefore, avoid *polishing* all the time (that includes clay bars and the like - they should only be used infrequently), use a proper wax (I prefer proper Carnuba wax - and back in the day, when I was a motoring journalist, I tested lots of different ones... don't be bullshit into thinking that expensive = somehow better at the domestic end of the market) and then you'll not need to wash the car so often.
That said, these days, I really don't give a shit about the look of my everyday car - life's too short - and so it looks like crap most of the time, until my wife gets fed up with it and takes it to the local Eastern European hand car wash...
I'd suggest two a year for most, one in the spring and one in the autumn.
Clean the car, decontaminate, clay if required, polish and any paint correction followed by decent protection.
It'll take you a day but subsequent washes using the two bucket method would be fairly easy as the gunk slides off the protective layer.
Simples
Two buckets of water, either MER or Turtle Wax shampoo, a sponge and a chamois and plenty of elbow grease.
Job done.
I only tend to keep a car for a couple of years, I'm not concerned with how the paint looks 20 years down the line.
First, I rinse the car with water to get rid of big stuff then shampoo it down, pressure wash (don't be too aggressive with it!) and hose/pressure wash the bottom of the car where I can. Then I wax it - I use autoglym wax. Perfectly fine, makes it easier to clean next time.
I only drive a Toyota Aygo, mind!
Key….
2 buckets
You will need a lot of microfibre towels.
You will end up buying a lot of stuff to try.
It will get expensive, £40 for a tub of wax anyone?
Snow foam, pressure washer, brushes, rubber restorer, DA polisher, tyre dressing….it can get really obsessive.
I'm not locked in here with you, you are locked in here with me.