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If you want to drum quieter you can. It's just dynamics and a will to want to do it.
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But he had gone to some trouble to find the loudest kit he could, which he seemed to think was the way to get the best sound. They vary quite a lot, and it's possible that you might need to persuade your drummer to invest in a second, quieter one. Flats are really a lot quieter, but maybe too much for a rock band at a normal gig.
The only other option that I can think of that hasn't been mentioned so far is to mic everything and give him too much drums and too little of everything else in his monitors, and see if he plays quieter in order to hear you all. This can work with overly-loud guitarists...
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"Only two things are infinite - the universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe." - Albert Einstein
Volume is no substitute for technique.
Had to say buh bye.. I then became the drummer. Being a guitarist I knew when not to play..
What I'm saying is kick him out and play drums yourself. It's fun.
One of my old venues had a decibelometer that cut the power to the band if the noise level exceeded a certain point. It was never one of the amplified instruments which tripped it...
I've used 5B's and I now use 5A's.
I'm as loud as I want to be with either.
Here is my take on it- I'm a gigging drummer and guitarist.
Many band members who complain about loudness of a drummer ore often just irritated that they drummer is eclipsing them and as soon as the drummer plays softer they turn up and it spoils the balance.
Professional bands- as in people who play large stages with decent foldback and PA's don't tend to make the same complaint because the environment supports a large sound and people also have either a dedicated monitor mix, or in-ears, or both.
But, and it is a big but, the drummers they are working with a pro's and know when to play loud and when to play soft.
The issue isn't about playing loud- it is about playing loud all the time, particularly when it comes to drum/cymbal balance.
When I was studying drums my teacher was very hot on getting the kick and snare fairly loud and using cymbal dynamics.
For the most part you play with tighter/softer hats and use cymbals for accents.
The drummers who I see overplaying are mostly overplaying cymbals- which fills up the available space and pisses everyone off.
At the 'pub gig' level there are issues- the drummer can control the volume but if they have only ever practiced at full volume then it isn't simply a matter of playing softer.
You actually have to practice playing softer because the muscle memory of playing hard becomes automatic.
When you try to play softer you don't have the same muscle memory and it becomes harder and more exhausting to do this, also your timing goes.
It isn't selfishness, ego, or childishness- it is habit.
Another issue is that even when you play as quiet as you can it isn't quiet enough for some people (usually singers with no microphone technique or who are actually afraid to make a noise).
These people are always looking for a scapegoat and the drummer is an easy option.
That said, there are things drummers can do to keep the volume down and it is mostly down to cymbals.
Playing tight hi-hats (not open/half open) will make a huge difference, as will not crashing all the time.
Loud Kick and Snare with soft hats will open up the soundstage for other people to play over.
Also, genre matters and situation matters.
Are you playing in a 7 piece functions band with no foldback and a shite PA and you have a loud drummer- you have a point and a reason to get them to work on dynamics.
Are you playing in a 4 piece stoner/metal band on a big stage and complaining about the loudness of your drummer?
Hmmm....
Go and see Clutch and see how hard Jean-Paul Gaster is playing.
The guy is a beast and I'm pretty certain Neil Fallon never says 'yeah man, can you play a bit quieter', I can't hear my vocals.
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In small venues a hard hitting drummer can be a problem but different kits can help. Below session drummer Mitch Glover is dep'ing in my band as our normal drummer was on tour with Ward Thomas. Look at the size of the kit he's using - that's then mic'ed through the PA so still sounds decent
Our current drummer who's also a session guy and drum teacher brings a similar cocktail kit for small venues, it really helps
And because I've heard this chap do it I believe him. If you can't get the right sound out of your kit at the right volume then you're doing it wrong. This chap is an ex-percussionist in the RAOC band.
Seriously: If you value it, take/fetch it yourself