Edinburgh Festival Fringe jokes 2017

Fretwired

Best one-liners from the fringe ..

• I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change. Ken Cheng
• Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book. Frankie Boyle
• I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point? Alexei Sayle
• I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her. Lew Fitz
• I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated. Andy Field
• Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant. Mark Simmons
• I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault, it’s a condition. There’s a name for it… Jimeoin
• I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house. Ed Byrne
• I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine. Olaf Falafel
• Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!' Alasdair Beckett-King
• A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event. Angela Barnes
• As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer. Adele Cliff
• For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it. Phil Wang
• I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark. Adam Hess
• I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act. Tim Vine

Dopesick

I read the first joke and at first glance I was pretty bemused as I thought the punchline was atually 'ker-ching!', but it's the name of the guy who said it. I now feel like scum of the earth.

Some crackers up there though. Blatantly some of them going to be used on Saturday night.

Veganic

Hilarious if grammatical errors, category mistakes and other assorted fallacies are your bag.

lustycourtier

Some crackers there! 

roundthebend

I don't get the Wimbledon one.

RandallFlagg

roundthebend said:

I don't get the Wimbledon one.

thicko

Gagaryn

Frankie Boyle wins.

Ravenous

The one about the land mine really got me. It's almost one of those bad-taste jokes that you laugh at yourself for laughing at.

roundthebend

RandallFlagg said:

roundthebend said:

I don't get the Wimbledon one.

thicko

Wis'd

Fretwired

Gagaryn said:

Frankie Boyle wins.

I liked the Frankie Boyle joke ...

Veganic

roundthebend said:

I don't get the Wimbledon one.

It doesn't make much sense.  It is like her friend is saying it is a gay speed-dating event but for men only.

My friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon. 
Blah blah something about fit single men.
Blah blah something about Milton Keynes.
Blah blah I love his jokes.
Blah blah no sorry, I meant Milton Friedman..yknow the one about trickle down economics...hilarious.

Blah blah actually not true, under what premise would you have to trick someone to go to Wimbledon? 
Blah blah I have no friends.

Blah blah I hate jokes.

Fretwired

Some of Tim Vine's one-liners

Exit signs? They're on the way out!

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!

Velcro? What a rip-off!

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

So I went to the record shop and I said "What have you got by The Doors?" He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Chalky

Fretwired said:

Some of Tim Vine's one-liners

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!

The Black Beauty gag dates back to at least 1972, when used in this triumvirate. And the last one suggests even earlier....


Have you heard? He's leaving Friday!
Who is?
Robinson Crusoe!

Mind you, he's a bit of a dark horse?
Who is?
Black Beauty!

And they live like a couple of pigs!
Who do?
Pinky and Perky!

Fretwired

Chalky said:

Fretwired said:

Some of Tim Vine's one-liners

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!

The Black Beauty gag dates back to at least 1972, when used in this triumvirate. And the last one suggests even earlier....


Have you heard? He's leaving Friday!
Who is?
Robinson Crusoe!

Mind you, he's a bit of a dark horse?
Who is?
Black Beauty!

And they live like a couple of pigs!
Who do?
Pinky and Perky!

Shout at Tim Vine .... they're jokes he's used ...

fretmeister

I love 1 liner comics.

Tim Vine, Stewart Francis etc.

crunchman

I reckon the bloke who won got his mum to vote about 500 times.

Fretwired

crunchman said:

I reckon the bloke who won got his mum to vote about 500 times.

His joke is now quite right .. it grates.

He wrote:

I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change

I'd have written:

I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate change