Favorite Joke

IanSavage

Couldn't be arsed to type it out, C&P FTW:

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts “Theme Party Come as a Human Emotion.”

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” and the guy says, “I’m green with envy.” The host replies, “Brilliant, come on in and have a drink.”

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” And she replies, “I’m tickled pink.” The host says, “I love it, come on in and join the party.”

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two blokes from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, “What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?” The first guy replies, “Well, I’m fucking disgusted, and my friend here has come in despair.”

Bellycaster

I'm reading a book called The History of Glue..........I can't put it down

 

Man walks into a Pet Shop and says to the Shopkeeper "I want to buy a Wasp"

"We don't sell Wasps" replies the Shopkeeper.

Man replies back "You must do, theres one in the Window"

 

stickyfiddle

Once, there was a farmer. He had a large farm, with lots of horses and workers and fields of crops and a farmhouse and a farmers wife and all that. He had a pretty happy life. One day, a tractor salesman came by, offering good deals on the latest John Deere models. The farmer was doing pretty well, but he liked the idea of making his day easier, so he put some money down on a new tractor.


Anyway.. the new tractor arrived a couple of weeks later and the farmer was thrilled. It was warmer than driving a horse, less argumentative than a horse and had a better radio than his horse too. Life was good.

As time went on, the farmer, let's call him Keith, found that the tractor made his farm so much more productive he had far more money and free time, so he thought to himself, "I know, I'll go down to the tractor showrooms and look at some new tractors and think about buying another one for the lads to use". So off he went, spent a whole day looking at Massey Fergussons and Hondas and JCBs, you name it. Eventually, he found a Lamborghini with a leather seat and air-conditioning and LED headlights. He was smitten, so put down the deposit and waited for it to arrive.

Delivery day came, and it was magnificent. Super-comfortable, really fast and got Mrs Keith all hot under the collar. He decided to give the old John Deere to the lads and use the Lambo himself. He invited some farming mates round to look at the new acquisition, so they all came over one night and compared tractors.

A few weeks later, there was a farming fair in town, with a big show of tractors. Keith decided he would go along and display his tractors and chat with the other tractor owners and have a jolly nice day out. So he did. He even went and got himself a polaroid camera and a notebook, so he could take pictures of his favourites, and note down their numberplates and chassis numbers. He had a whale of a time, and made lots of new friends and found out lots more about tractors.

Over the next few weeks Keith started researching tractors on the internet. He started writing on tractor forums, looking at pictures dirty of tractors on google, and bidding on tractors on ebay. After a year or so he'd bought 3 more, and had a proper collection in his barn. He'd go out every day after his farm work, clean them up and polish their wheels. So much so that he started to sleep in the barn, and rarely saw his friends. There were rumours he’d even started breaking into neighbouring farms at night to steal a look at the tractors in the moonlight, but he was never caught.

it was decided to stage an intervention. Farmers Bob, Stu and Petey McBogg all went over to Keith’s farmhouse one afternoon, sat him down and said “Right. We’re worried you’re losing yourself in this farmyard nonsense. Let’s get you out of the house, away from tractors and into the pub”. Keith reluctantly agreed, more in order to shut them up than anything, and they set off for the pub. After much chatter and a few beers Farmer Keith had seen the light. “Thank you all! I like this pub stuff. Let’s not bother with tractors any more. I’m going to retire. But first, let’s go dancing.”

The 3 were relieved, so agreed they’d find a club and go dancing. They went into town, and queued for a few minutes, paid their money and went into the club. It was smoky. It was really smoky and they couldn’t see a thing. “I can’t see anything!”, said Bob. “What will we do now?”, asked Stu. “Who said that?!” asked a rather puzzled Petey McBogg.

Keith piped up; “It’s ok lads; I’ve got an idea”

And with that, Keith started in inhale. He breathed in a couple of lung-fulls of smoke, and then kept going, more and more until the smoke had cleared. He just didn’t stop.

The others were amazed. “How did you do that? You’ve breathed in a whole room full of smoke and don't even look tired, never mind ill!”, they asked.

“It was easy.” said Keith. “I’m an ex-tractor fan.”

scrumhalf

I was born by Caesarean. You can't tell, except every time I leave the house I go out through the window. (Thank you Steven Wright)

spacecadet

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his arse

My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said where's this stemming from petal?

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

ESBlonde

Two elephants fell off a cliff.

Boom Boom.

monquixote

What would Sigmund Freud say if you had asked him what comes between fear and sex? 

Fünf

ddlooping

monquixote said:

What would Sigmund Freud say if you had asked him what comes between fear and sex? 

Fünf

When I asked him he replied "Your mum". :-S 

axisus

The definition of a Dyslexic agnostic insomniac - Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

There are 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary and those that don't. 

There's a sucker born every minute - Octopus in difficult childbirth.

Dwarf fortune teller mugs client and scarpers, police warn of a small medium at large.