Chuck Norris.

robgilmo

Had to share this.

101 best Chuck Norris jokes, but, they arnt jokes..... Nobody Jokes about Chuck Norris unless they are Chuck Norris,

1. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
2. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
3. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
4. Chuck Norris breathes air ... five times a day.
5. In the Beginning there was nothing ... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
6. When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck Norris said, “Say Please.”
7. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
8. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
9. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.
10. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
11. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
12. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, 'Two seconds till.' After you ask, 'Two seconds to what?' he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
13. Chuck Norris appeared in the 'Street Fighter II' video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That's no glitch.”
14. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
15. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
16. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
17. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
18. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
19. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.
20. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.
21. On the 7th day, God rested ... Chuck Norris took over.
22. Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
23. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
24. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
25. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
26. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
27. Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
28. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
29. Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
30. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
31. Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice.
32. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
33. Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.
34. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
35. Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.
36. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
37. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.
38. Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
39. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
40. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
41. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
42. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
43. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
44. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
45. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
46. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
47. When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
48. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
49. Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
50. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

robgilmo

1. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
2. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
3. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
4. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
5. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
6. The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
7. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
8. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
9. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
10. Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
11. There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.
12. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
13. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he's pushing the Earth down.
14. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
15. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
16. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
17. In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
19. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
20. Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.
21. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all lethal.
22. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
24. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
25. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors.
26. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
27. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
28. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
29. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
30. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
31. Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
32. Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
33. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
34. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
35. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
36. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
37. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
38. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
39. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
40. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
41. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
42. Chuck Norris doesn't need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.
43. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
44. In an average living room there are a thousand objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
45. Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
46. Chuck Norris's belly button is actually a power outlet.
47. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
48. Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.
49. Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
50. Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
51. The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Cols

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 6 people.  Then it exploded and killed 6 more.

Niallseroreilly

My favourite is

’if you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death’.

skullfunkerry

Love them. And this is one of my favourite videos on YouTube:

https://youtu.be/l7Cul2W7fs8?si=Q_cgWP0f6fMtQezN

racefaceec90

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kr_X10iYeP8&ab_channel=sicaida

Philly_Q

skullfunkerry said:

Love them. And this is one of my favourite videos on YouTube:

https://youtu.be/l7Cul2W7fs8?si=Q_cgWP0f6fMtQezN

When that started I thought oh come on, four minutes of this?  But it's actually brilliantly edited.

AK99

Stratavarious

Who?

Kurtis

. 

Haych

The Expendables is a seriously crap movie franchise but this scene did make me laugh out loud.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feZB6eWSk_w

robgilmo

Haych said:

The Expendables is a seriously crap movie franchise but this scene did make me laugh out loud.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feZB6eWSk_w

Lol, 'what just happened' 

Chuck Norris, thats what just happened, 

fretmeister

I used to love his films.

Such a shame he's a homophobic nutter who supported the "birther" conspiracy theory about Obama, among other things.

fretfinder

Haych said:

The Expendables is a seriously crap movie franchise but this scene did make me laugh out loud.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feZB6eWSk_w

“I heard you were bitten by a king cobra.”

”Yeah I was. But after five days of agonizing pain… the cobra died.”

Brilliant dross! 

JEM

I know the standard response to these sorts of thread is to say "who?" and I certainly don't claim to have not heard of Mr Norris but I'm beginning to think I might have had a sheltered upbringing.

I grew up in the 70s and was teenager in the 80s and I really don't think I would have had a clue who he was during that period. Was he really that big of a cultural icon at the time or did that come later?

I had a quick look at his Wikipedia page and think I can remember Delta Force (I thought is was quite cool at the time because it had motorbikes with rockets on them) but I wouldn't have known who was in it.

Looking at this 'Political Views' I'm surprised he still seems to be so popular with the younger generations.

fretmeister

The younger generation don't know about his political views.

He got proper famous when he got cast opposite Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon in 1972, although that also massively helped Lee in getting better known across the USA.

That film definitely helped get big money for Lee to be able to do Enter The Dragon the following year

Chuck then had loads of straight to video releases until swapping to TV for a few guest appearances and then he got "Walker, Texas Ranger" - he was about 60 at the end of that and it was getting very silly.

He was in his early 70s for Expendables 2!

There's no doubt he was a supremely talented martial artist, it's just a shame about the bigotry that came with it.

Philly_Q

JEM said:

I grew up in the 70s and was teenager in the 80s and I really don't think I would have had a clue who he was during that period. Was he really that big of a cultural icon at the time or did that come later?

fretmeister said:

Chuck then had loads of straight to video releases until swapping to TV for a few guest appearances and then he got "Walker, Texas Ranger" - he was about 60 at the end of that and it was getting very silly.

Some of them got cinema releases too.  I remember seeing Silent Rage when I was at university in the early '80s, and I'm sure we saw Code of Silence (his best film, IMO) in the cinema.  We saw lots of others like The Octagon, Good Guys Wear Black, A Force Of One etc on VHS rentals.

I wasn't aware of his politics until later, although some of his more militaristic films like The Delta Force, Missing In Action and Invasion USA seemed quite jingoistic, if I remember right.  I wasn't so keen on those, I preferred the films where he was a cop or just a martial arts guy.

I haven't seen any of his more recent stuff.  Something very weird happened to his face - and beard - at some point which is quite offputting.  Plus there's the politics...

Kurtis

JEM said:

I know the standard response to these sorts of thread is to say "who?" and I certainly don't claim to have not heard of Mr Norris but I'm beginning to think I might have had a sheltered upbringing.

I grew up in the 70s and was teenager in the 80s and I really don't think I would have had a clue who he was during that period. Was he really that big of a cultural icon at the time or did that come later?

I had a quick look at his Wikipedia page and think I can remember Delta Force (I thought is was quite cool at the time because it had motorbikes with rockets on them) but I wouldn't have known who was in it.

Looking at this 'Political Views' I'm surprised he still seems to be so popular with the younger generations.

It's a joke. 

JEM

Kurtis said:

JEM said:

I know the standard response to these sorts of thread is to say "who?" and I certainly don't claim to have not heard of Mr Norris but I'm beginning to think I might have had a sheltered upbringing.

I grew up in the 70s and was teenager in the 80s and I really don't think I would have had a clue who he was during that period. Was he really that big of a cultural icon at the time or did that come later?

I had a quick look at his Wikipedia page and think I can remember Delta Force (I thought is was quite cool at the time because it had motorbikes with rockets on them) but I wouldn't have known who was in it.

Looking at this 'Political Views' I'm surprised he still seems to be so popular with the younger generations.

It's a joke. 

Great, thanks for the clarification.

Kurtis

Don't mention it 

Kurtis

He's become this kind of figurehead for those really cheesy 80s action movies. The indestructible hero. "So bad it's good".

Kind of your poor man's, made for TV, van dam.