Rough guide to the blues

Cols

"Rules Of The Blues" by Memphis Earlene

   

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

   

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

   

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

   

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

   

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

   

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

   

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

   

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

   

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

   

10. Good places for the Blues:

  a. Highway

  b. Jailhouse

  c. An empty bed

  d. Bottom of a whiskey glass

   

11. Bad places for the Blues:

  a. Nordstrom's

  b. Gallery openings

  c. Ivy league institutions

  d. Golf courses

   

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

   

13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:

  a. You older than dirt

  b. You blind

  c. You shot a man in Memphis

  d. You can't be satisfied

   

14. You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:

  a. You have all your teeth

  b. You were once blind but now can see

  c. The man in Memphis lived

  d. You have a pension fund

   

15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

   

16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues

   

17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

  a. Cheap wine

  b. Whiskey or bourbon

  c. Muddy water

  d. Nasty black coffee

   

18. The following are NOT Blues beverages:

  a. Perrier

  b. Chardonnay

  c. Snapple

  d. Slim Fast

   

19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

   

20. Some Blues names for women:

  a. Sadie

  b. Big Mama

  c. Bessie

  d. Fat River Dumpling

   

21. Some Blues names for men:

  a. Joe

  b. Willie

  c. Little Willie

  d. Big Willie

   

22. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

   

23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Melon, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

   

24. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

bluecat

Can you sing the blues Cols?

Cols

bluecat said:

Can you sing the blues Cols?

(Looks at computer screen)

Nope.

guitars4you

Go back to the cotton plantations and the churches for the black slaves and gospel/blues is the foundation for just about every form of popular music that came from the USA (probably with the exception of country) - And the rhythmic repeated chant is at the heart of much of this 

Offset

It can't be the blues if it ain't cliched :-)

BillDL

Cols said:

23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity ........ b. .... name of fruit  c. last name of President. For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc ......

Lispin' Avocado Nixon.

Stutterin' Pomegranate Roosevelt.

Gouty Nectarine Eisenhower.

Pidgeon-Toed Guava McKinley.

guitars4you

No mention in the above 24 key points about the ho bo man/men/boys

breakstuff

BillDL said:

Cols said:

23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity ........ b. .... name of fruit  c. last name of President. For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc ......

Lispin' Avocado Nixon.

Stutterin' Pomegranate Roosevelt.

Gouty Nectarine Eisenhower.

Pidgeon-Toed Guava McKinley.

Bow legged Kumquat Trump

drofluf

breakstuff said:

BillDL said:

Cols said:

23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity ........ b. .... name of fruit  c. last name of President. For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc ......

Lispin' Avocado Nixon.

Stutterin' Pomegranate Roosevelt.

Gouty Nectarine Eisenhower.

Pidgeon-Toed Guava McKinley.

Bow legged Kumquat Trump

I was going to suggest Toxic Tangerine Trump

nero1701

BillDL said:

Cols said:

23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity ........ b. .... name of fruit  c. last name of President. For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc ......

Lispin' Avocado Nixon.

Stutterin' Pomegranate Roosevelt.

Gouty Nectarine Eisenhower.

Pidgeon-Toed Guava McKinley.

Bumbling Orange Trump

nero1701

drofluf said:

breakstuff said:

BillDL said:

Cols said:

23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity ........ b. .... name of fruit  c. last name of President. For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc ......

Lispin' Avocado Nixon.

Stutterin' Pomegranate Roosevelt.

Gouty Nectarine Eisenhower.

Pidgeon-Toed Guava McKinley.

Bow legged Kumquat Trump

I was going to suggest Toxic Tangerine Trump

Beat me to it lol

breakstuff

nero1701 said:

BillDL said:

Cols said:

23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity ........ b. .... name of fruit  c. last name of President. For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc ......

Lispin' Avocado Nixon.

Stutterin' Pomegranate Roosevelt.

Gouty Nectarine Eisenhower.

Pidgeon-Toed Guava McKinley.

Incontinent Orange Trump

FIFY.

Tannin

This is brilliant. I laughed all the way through, and when I read it out to her, so did Mrs Tannin.

randella

I do like a bourbon, but also drive a Volvo.

Null points

randella

Actually think I could write a Volvo-based blues.

Woke up this morning
Garage do me harm
Got a list of advisories 
Long as your arm

Drove out to Tesco
Gonna get me some wares in
Another fucking mystery noise
Probably a wheel bearing

robgilmo

Funkfingers

Where on the beverage list should we place Buckfast Tonic Wine?

drofluf

Funkfingers said:

Where on the beverage list should we place Buckfast Tonic Wine?

Definitely blues

AK99

Funkfingers said:

Where on the beverage list should we place Buckfast Tonic Wine?

Depends - we talkin' the Slimline one, or Buckfast Zero  ?

nero1701

AK99 said:

Funkfingers said:

Where on the beverage list should we place Buckfast Tonic Wine?

Depends - we talkin' the Slimline one, or Buckfast Zero  ?

It more in my opinion about the number of the bottle.

GoFish

A bit late here, but I instantly thought of Bone Spurs Orange Trump.