Friday humour

Fretwired

HAL9000 said:

A tortoise walks into a police station and reports that he's just been mugged by a pair of sloths.

'Could you describe them?' asks the desk sergeant.

'No' replies the tortoise 'it all happened so fast.'

Heard it before but it made me laugh after a tough day have a lol ..:-)

rawk100

https://i.imgur.com/CfEV2Fw.jpg

Fretwired

jdgm

boogieman said:

What’s the difference between an onion and a ukulele? 

Nobody cries when you chop up a ukulele. 

What's the difference between a banjo and a ukelele?

A ukelele burns faster.

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?

People take their shoes off to jump up and down on a trampoline.

boogieman

jdgm said:

boogieman said:

What’s the difference between an onion and a ukulele? 

Nobody cries when you chop up a ukulele. 

What's the difference between a banjo and a ukelele?

A ukelele burns faster.

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?

People take their shoes off to jump up and down on a trampoline.

What do you call 50 banjos in a skip? 
A start. 

Hootsmon

Fretwired

Hootsmon

Fretwired

kaypeejay

HAL9000 said:

A tortoise walks into a police station and reports that he's just been mugged by a pair of sloths.

'Could you describe them?' asks the desk sergeant.

'No' replies the tortoise 'it all happened so fast.'

Took me a while to get that. 

Hootsmon

rawk100

https://i.imgur.com/wyS2WJ2.jpg

axisus

Stavros

grungebob

Snags said:

munckee said:

Snags said:

WTF are you doing to them, that they've both got pneumonia?

My father in law and my niece also have it, my best guess is its the beginning of the zombie apocalypse...

Sounds worryingly genetic. I'd run whilst you still can.

Sounds at best like Pontiac fever at worst legionellaosis have them checked. 

Hootsmon

Hand on heart, this is absolutely true

In the 70s i worked as a dispenser/pharmacy technician at the local chemist.

All the young local girls used to get their monthly prescription of the pill here. The monthly repeat prescription was called a standing order and was kept in a crude alphabetical system in the dispensary back shop

We couldn't find this particular girl's monthly repeat prescription anywhere so the chemist in charge shouted out to a packed front shop from the dispensary........."we can't find your repeat prescription, when was the last time you got it?!

The young girl could not have heard the question clearly over the chatter of folk waiting for their medicine and so replied "Pardon?"

The chemist and the girl have now made eye contact across the busy shop floor and he partially repeats the question,...."when was the last time you got it?"

The poor girl goes three or four shades of red,and after some thought,sheepishly replies....."Oh, that would be Saturday night"

I swear tae God it's true

axisus

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