Friday humour

axisus

TheMarlin

axisus said:

That’s Avebury stone circle, not Stonehenge. 

axisus

Fretwired

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Shrews

The other day I thought I'd help out at the local salvation army soup kitchen, but they got all moody with me at the end of the night.

I can't understand why ........ all I said was " Come on people, some of us have got homes to go to"

Shrews

A sales rep, an admin clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so you can all have just one."

"Me first", says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Woof! She's gone.

Wow ! says the sales rep "Me next, please Mr Genie", "I want to be In Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life"

 

Woof! He's gone.

"Okay, you're next," the genie says to the manager. “Hmm” she says….." I want those two straight back in the office after lunch."

goldtop

hootsmon said:

Well, apologies for the loss of yet another kitten, but:

TheMarlin

https://imgur.com/a/55izASE

Hootsmon

Shrews

Typical English 40 something male, having split from his latest girlfriend,

decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and

proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,

only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach

when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when

my cruise ship sank."

Amazing, he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with

you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material

I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove

the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.

" But, where did you get the tools?"

Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the

island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I

fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.

I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

Let's row over to my place," she says. After 20 minutes of rowing, she

docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls

off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow

painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an

expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "

It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed.

"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you

like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down

on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going

to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower

and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer

questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet,

a razor made from a piece of turtle shell. 

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end 

inside a swivel mechanism. This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically

positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit

down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something

I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes ..

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly"

and tears start to form in his eyes.

"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well!"

 

EricTheWeary

2019 will go down in history as the first year that May was finished before the end of April. 

blobb

barry2tone

Hootsmon

goldtop

JerkMoans

Following the black hole theme... can’t embed pics from this crapping phone

https://imgur.com/a/djk5buM

rawk100

https://i.imgur.com/9evAuPN.jpg