Quote Of The Day (from a customer)

gubble

Had to have a chat with a customer today who owes us a lot of money (which to be fair is my job).

He was not happy that I had to chase him for money and his excuse was "I've been working at this shop for over a hundred years"

It may seem like it to him but I assure you he hasn't.

I'm adding that to my list of reasons for non payment.

Parker

You've got to love the general public. Anyone who works with customers will have some corkers I'm sure! I remember walking past an old dear chatting to her friend having lunch in our work café. she was trying to open a ketchup sachet and said 'I just don't understand this new fandangle technology....'!!

hungrymark

I heard the following exchange the other day:

"Do you know he's been diagnosed bipolar?"

"What, he's magnetic?"

A strange mix of scientific literacy and ignorance. Such a fine line between clever and stupid.

Gadgie

Two of my favourites are both from car salesmen and are as follows:

Scenario: Girlfriend and I in an Aberdeen garage looking at cars in it's forecourt.

Salesman - Can I help you?

GF - Yes I'm looking for a second hand car, maybe a Golf or a Polo.

Salesman - Ah 'my dear', there may be a problem with that.

GF- oh why?

Salesman - Well you see...there's a worldwide shortage of second hand cars in Aberdeen.

WTF!!! Not just a shortage of cars in Aberdeen, but a worldwide shortage!!!

next one

Scenario: I'm looking at some cars in a country garage car park.

Salesman - Can I help you?

Me - Just looking thanks.

Salesman - Looking for anything in particular? 

Me - Well I was looking for a Mazda 6

Saleman - Oh we didn't any of those and we won;t be getting any in either.

Me - Oh why is that, are they not good or something?

Salesman - No, we are actually shutting down soon so selling stock off

Me - Business that bad is it?

Saleman - No, I just can;t be bothered dealing with the general pulic anymore!

digitalscream

Gadgie said:

Saleman - No, I just can;t be bothered dealing with the general pulic anymore!

That's brilliant. A brush-off and brutal honesty all in one sentence!

WezV

A few years ago I was covereing a tech services line for the brewrry I work at.

 

A pub calls us and says he can't get any beer through the lines.  I ask a series of questions including "when did you clean your lines", bare in mind this should be done every week - every other at a push if you are vigilant the rest of the time.   He says  "I can't, the line cleaning system broke".   I ask when it broke... "about a year ago".

He then told me he wanted  an emergency call, and to be back on sale within 4 hours and got really arsey when i pointed out all the equipment would need to be changed, he needed to learn how to use it and he should stop trying to serve any beer until it was done. 

 

Not as bad as the landlady who insisted she cleaned her lines every week.  One of our techs asked her to demonstrate how she did it.  She went and feteched a bottle of jif and started wipign the outside of the equipment 

joneve

WezV said:

A few years ago I was covereing a tech services line for the brewrry I work at.

 

A pub calls us and says he can't get any beer through the lines.  I ask a series of questions including "when did you clean your lines", bare in mind this should be done every week - every other at a push if you are vigilant the rest of the time.   He says  "I can't, the line cleaning system broke".   I ask when it broke... "about a year ago".

He then told me he wanted  an emergency call, and to be back on sale within 4 hours and got really arsey when i pointed out all the equipment would need to be changed, he needed to learn how to use it and he should stop trying to serve any beer until it was done. 

 

Not as bad as the landlady who insisted she cleaned her lines every week.  One of our techs asked her to demonstrate how she did it.  She went and feteched a bottle of jif and started wipign the outside of the equipment 

A YEAR AGO?!?! What the actual fuck?? No fucking wonder he couldn't get any beer through! 

Longtallronnie

The worst customer I ever dealt with accused me of giving her ME.

randomhandclaps

hungrymark;900350" said:

I heard the following exchange the other day:

"Do you know he's been diagnosed bipolar?"

"What, he's magnetic?"

A strange mix of scientific literacy and ignorance. Such a fine line between clever and stupid.

That was like in the summer holidays I was in a queue in one of the 300 shops in the Imperial War Museum and the two very posh elderly woman in front were discussing one of their grandson's behavioural problems and the trouble he's been in a school. The first lady said "So now they've diagnosed him with autism?" To which the other replied "How did they discover that? Is he very good at maths then?".

jamiexsilver

I work in a plumbers merchants and we see the same guys in day in day out, so naturally you get to know them. This one customer came in and after I had served him he grabs a coffee from the machine and says.

Him- can I ask you something?
Me - yeah what's up?
Him - do you know what a butt plug is?

Now I've known this guy a good few years and at first I thought he was joking, turned out he wasn't I literally had to draw one on a bit of paper.

Very surreal.

CabbageCat

Holnrew once left a butt plug on the kitchen drainer and his girlfriend's dad came over and said, "That looks like a butt plug! Hahahaha!" and Holnrew went quiet and Holnrew's girlfriend's dad went quiet.

I like that story. It's sad in a way but also happy because it didn't happen to me. 

HAL9000

I was carrying a passenger once in a car with blacked-out windows...

Her (looking at the people on the pavement outside): So this dark glass means those people can't see me?

Me: That's right.

Her: But I can see them?

DesVegas

I worked in a restaurant in Spain and had the following said to me

"Is your ice made out of real water?"

"Does the swordfish come with its head on?"

and "I would like your tomato and basil soup, but i don't like tomatoes, can i just have the basil?"

jamiexsilver

I was in a pub having lunch one Sunday, I was at the bar getting a drink and the people at the side of me were placing their food order, one of them said
"can I have a toad in the hole without the Yorkshire pudding"
the guy behind the bar looked a little confused and then said
"so you just want three sausages then?"

hobbio

A mate's girlfriend once asked him "Do they have McDonalds in America then?"

Skodadad

I once worked in a wacky Cornish one stop shop place in the wallpaper dept. An old lady came in really flustered and beelined straight for me . She had bought some tiling on a roll wallpaper and was really pissed off it was "rotting away" it took a minute to establish she had put it on her bathroom floor! I guess she thought it was lino.

chillidoggy

Sat with my mum in the hospital yesterday, the old woman in the next bed, who must have been about 80 if she was a day, she had dyed ginger hair which made her look like an orang-utan with alopecia.

Out loud, no attempt to lower the volume at all:-

"Where are all these doctors? I'm an escort, I've got clients waiting, I can't hang around here all day waiting for you lot to tell me there's nothing wrong with me, I've got better things to do. If you don't get a move on, I'm off. Anyway, I can't understand what takes so bloody long, any fool can read a scan, you know."

Phil_aka_Pip

Your mum, or the orang-utan woman?

chillidoggy

Mum has never been what you might call a shy, retiring violet, but no, it was the woman in the next bed.

mellowsun

I worked in a specialist bookshop once. A customer came in and said 'I'm looking for a book, it's big, has a yellow cover, don't know what it's called or who it's by. Do you have it?'

As it turned out, imagine his surprise when I knew exactly what he wanted, and yes, we did have it.

'Ah yes, you want Davidson's Textbook of Medicine, 5th edition, here you are'

Grunfeld

mellowsun said:

 'I'm looking for a book, it's big, has a yellow cover, don't know what it's called or who it's by. Do you have it?'

"Chairman Mao's Little Red Book?"