If you do nothing else this weekend...

Emp_Fab

Depressing thread alert.....

Write down stuff that your loved ones will need in the event of your death.  It doesn't matter if you are 18 or 81...  Just write it down and put it with the important documents.  You don't know when your time is up, but you wouldn't believe how stressful trying to sort out the little unknowns are for your relatives.

Simple stuff like whether you want to be buried or cremated, which cemetery/crematorium, what music, whether you want a religious minister or not, what you want to happen to your ashes etc.  Even if it's nothing more than "I don't give a shit... do whatever you like".  Just do it - and do it this weekend.

Trying to arrange a funeral for someone who hasn't left such a list causes a shitload of worry as you really want to do whatever is right by them but you are left never knowing if what you are arranging is what they would have wanted.  It sounds trivial, but you REALLY don't need it when you have a hundred other things to sort out and whilst you are grieving.

Also, funerals aren't cheap  - even a basic no-frills job is upwards of three and a half grand, and somebody has to find that money.

My mum's funeral director is a real solid guy and he advised against commercial funeral plans - as they aren't in it for love, they're making a profit.  Just put a few quid away each month into an account so that when the time comes, and there's no avoiding it for any of us, your loved ones aren't left suddenly trying to raise several grand.

I know this is a bit morbid, but if only one of you takes my advice, that's one family who will find the most painful time life has in store for them so much easier.

Jalapeno

Agree it sucks big time, doesn't help much if there are instructions, it still bloody hurts ......

You ought to be able to claim back funeral expenses against the estate (if there is one of course)

Grunfeld

Emp_Fab said:

Depressing thread alert.....

Write down stuff that your loved ones will need in the event of your death...

The nearest I've got to it is a little note in cupboard explaining some stuff in the event of my demise.  I presume my kids will find it and I hope it will make them smile

boogieman

Just do what feels right. Ultimately a funeral is for the family and friends left behind. 

Jalapeno

boogieman said:

Just do what feels right. Ultimately a funeral is for the family and friends left behind. 

Wis'd - very true.

guitarfishbay

The money can be paid from the estate later, or even from the deceased's bank account if there are sufficient funds. The funeral is for closure for the family and loved ones. My g/f's mum was buried in July - she didn't leave instructions or a will so we went off conversations that they had over her life. You're right it wasn't cheap and was over £4K. Her neighbour told us when his dad died they couldn't find instructions so buried him... Later they found instructions stating he wanted to be cremated - a bit late but he hid stuff too well! They all found it funny and thought he would have as well. The truth is if you do what feels respectful and right you can't do wrong.

Grunfeld

boogieman said:

Just do what feels right. Ultimately a funeral is for the family and friends left behind. 

So, what do you reckon about music?
If you play in a covers band you get used to playing for other people... it's about them, not you.
But your funeral?
Should your music choices be about you (and your weird taste in music that no one else gets), or should you do the equivalent of a covers band play list?

Emp_Fab

I always used to say I wanted the Monty Python theme tune timed so my coffin would descend on the final raspberry.

Philly_Q

This strikes a chord as I had a similar situation with my stepmother's funeral last month.  

Apparently she and my dad had never discussed funeral plans, we encouraged them to try to talk about it - diificult subject though it was, of course - when it became clear she was terminally ill, but she simply wouldn't respond.  So it was down to my dad to make decisions, but he's spent the last 40 years doing what he's told.... so in the end we basically had to go with what seemed most sensible.  Fortunately the vicar at their church knows them quite well and she was very helpful.

We settled on cremation but there was a bit of hassle from various relatives sticking their noses in - saying things like "Yorkshire people get buried" or making dopey suggestions about what should be done with the ashes.

It has made me consider my own mortality, a little.

Sambostar

True.  Just help each other out in real life.

Embrace your spirit and your fellow man's spirit.  There is nothing left to hide but the moment so share it.

Good luck Emp.

Bucket

Did it. Hopefully it doesn't come to it any time soon, but you never know, do you.

Most important thing is that this must be the last piece of music played - especially the hidden track at 4:50.



"I'll be alright, don't worry 'bout me"...

Sambostar

The one thing I hope for is that no one will even notice to be honest. Things pass on age to age, you can't be to personal about it, you carry the chances you were given, what you learnt and what you shared on the way and you pass it on, without thinking it will make a profound difference before the asteroids destroy the planet or you delusionally make a macabre family crypt or crest, then you die yourself.  The spirit never dies, it just passes on.  It never, ever dies, at least until asteroids destroy the planet.

boogieman

Grunfeld said:

boogieman said:

Just do what feels right. Ultimately a funeral is for the family and friends left behind. 

So, what do you reckon about music?
If you play in a covers band you get used to playing for other people... it's about them, not you.
But your funeral?
Should your music choices be about you (and your weird taste in music that no one else gets), or should you do the equivalent of a covers band play list?

Sure, if there was a specific request then of course it should be played. Emp was saying he didn't know what his mum would have wanted though. Being brutal about it, she's not really in a position to care is she? So in that particular  case, he should just go with what he feels is right for him and the family: something that reminds him of his mum, her favourite song, a piece that sets a particular mood. 

gubble

There was a Radio 4 comedy show about this last night. Which may not be in the best taste given the OP (hope this doesn't cause offence) but it was quite informative about funerals and amusing too.

A wicker coffin is now apparently as common as the standard wooden affair - which I felt was interesting.

Emp_Fab

I know most of the things mum would have wanted, cremation, the music, the 'no fuss' and no religious stuff, but we didn't know which crem.
I know it sounds trivial but there are other issues at play here that I'd prefer to be kept private, no offence.  When you are grieving, the silliest little thing becomes blown out of all proportion.

I've got to sort out the music now.  I know which pieces exactly.  One of them was used at my Dad's funeral and it kills me every time I hear it.
I've got to make a CD for the funeral director - I'm taking no chances - Verbatim disc, burned at 1x speed with a backup disc in case.  I have to get it to him in advance so he can test it as well.

I can't imagine what scars have been left by whoever made this blunder:- http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/grieving-familys-horror-hardcore-pornography-10797800

Guitar_Slinger

Pfft. I've just spent a few days up north with my nan, who I helped to organise my grandad's funeral in March. We've just got rid of the last of his stuff and picked a place to scatter his ashes (they won't do it at Anfield). My Nan's switched on enough to have been giving her things away for the last couple of years, her funeral is paid for anand there's a folder with all her documents in, for when the time comes for me to be executor. After my grandad's funeral, my dad told me what a great job I did at the service and what music to play at his. Best to do what Emp_Fab suggests and give yourselves less to do when the time comes.

Grunfeld

...

mike_l

My Mum, sister and best mate all know what I'd want.

I had a chat with all of them after I first got Crohn's, and had a close call.

Well worth a few minutes to talk/write down these things.

lloyd

The people closest to me know to do whatever it is that will comfort them, especially my Mum if I should go before my time.

Im not one that wants to plan out a funeral for myself or pick out songs, I won't be there.

Ive no money put aside for it, perhaps I should set something up.