Mindfulness & positive thinking

Haych

I'm quite open about the fact that I live with depression and PTSD, I've even posted stuff on here about it before.

Currently I'm undergoing EMDR therapy which I really don't know what to make of yet but it's only been two or three real sessions so I'm keeping an open mind and hoping for the best.

Last Thursday the wheels fell off and toys got chucked out my pram big time.  After I put the kids to bed I cried, hard!  I cried so hard that I thought I would wake the kids and once I started I could not stop.  I write this next bit with knowledge that I could be stating in nonchalantly, but I believe if I'd had a gun Thursday night I would have come very close to ending it.

That had a knock on effect and ruined my weekend, I felt physically drained all day Friday and Saturday and my face and head ached like buggery, not that I'd know the ache of buggery from personal experience, it's just a metaphor.

I saw my therapist again yesterday and I explained what had happened (all apart from the bit about the gun, didn't want to talk myself into a padded room) and she mentioned the importance of self care while we're digging up all this junk and unprocessed trauma from the last 35 years and suggested looking into mindfulness and thinking positively about myself (something I find very difficult to do, when a thought system is so engrained it is no longer a thought but a belief, a knowing.  Kind of like 2 + 2 = 4, you no longer have to analyse the equation because you know it to be true, although with depression it's kind of like knowing and believing that 2 + 2 = 9.  Even though it can be proved to be untrue it's incredibly difficult not to believe.)

Anyway, after yesterday's session I felt a little better, no wait, I felt a lot better and I went away with the determination to find a better way of thinking.

Thus far I'm carrying a pad and pen around with me and I'm making observations on things I notice during my day that I like.  Stupid stuff, honestly, but I think it's all good.  I've also made a pact with my critical self that I will not say or think anything about me that I do not want to come true.

It's all baby steps, but they're positive baby steps, like subscribing to positive thinking pages on FaceGram and InstaBook and I downloaded a mindfulness app which tells me good things and asks me to think of things that I liked during my day.

I'm a little bit afraid that this feeling of a tentative positive outlook will pass and I will again crash and that's something I will discuss with my therapist next time I see her.  I also don't know what to do with the stuff that goes wrong and the stuff that makes me angry and I can't ignore, again I'll have to talk this through with my therapist.

But I wanted to ask if anyone has had similar experiences and if anyone can add positive advice and suggestions to keep this upward outlook going, not just for me but anyone else who finds it useful (I can't be the only person on tFB who struggles with these issues), so that I don't regress into a gibbering, depressive, suicidal wreck that I was at the end of last week.

I don't want pity, sympathy or empathy, although all that is appreciated I just want to get past it.  I guess I'm seeking practical things I can do, and keep doing, to maintain a positive outlook and prevent a regression into despair, and what to do if I find myself going that way again.

TIA

Chalky

What has really helped me is to recognise the signs, in my own behaviour and thinking, that I'm heading down. Then put myself in a safe situation so that when I'm down, nothing I can do can make it worse. And note down how the gaps between the downs are getting longer. Which they are.

Bidley

I assume you've done CBT? That helped me no end. If you want some recommendations on books etc, PM me.

Mindfulness-wise, I can recommend Mindfulness for Dummies (it's not a fun read, but it's packed with good info) and Buddha in Blue Jeans (which is much much lighter).

Nunogilberto

One thing I try to do more of these days, is take 5 minutes out of my day to stop and just sit there, taking in what's going on around me. It works better if you're out and about, on your own. I just find somewhere to sit and start gazing at something in the distance (trees, buildings etc) and focus on it for a few mins, just to take myself away from whatever was on my mind, or whatever I was doing. 

It seems to work for me, even if only to serve as a reminder that there's more to life than whatever's on my mind at the moment...

benmurray85

Would like to be able to add more to this than you've already mentioned and the responses above but I can't really. Suffice to say you're not the only person on here who's been through this sort of thing or is going through it. You seem to be getting some great advice though mate and I wish you all the best. 

If you ever have a low point again like Thursday night and for some reason you think it may help to even just talk to a stranger feel free to drop me a pm. Even just chatting shit about your favourite guitarist/pedal/tone/amp whatever can help a low point pass even if it's brief! 

Thanks to the the guys above for the suggested reading. Will be digging some of that out! 

Grunfeld

Haych said:

I saw my therapist again yesterday and [she] suggested looking into mindfulness and thinking positively about myself (something I find very difficult to do, when a thought system is so engrained it is no longer a thought but a belief, a knowing.  Kind of like 2 + 2 = 4, you no longer have to analyse the equation because you know it to be true, although with depression it's kind of like knowing and believing that 2 + 2 = 9.  Even though it can be proved to be untrue it's incredibly difficult not to believe.)

I really like that description and analogy -- I'll be borrowing that!

Glad you're here rather than in a padded cell!  (Sometimes difficult to spot the difference but here has more guitars.)

jaytmon

The other technique currently popular in dealing with any sort of trauma is the Rewind technique. I believe it to be fairly event in this country at least - last few years maybe? - and training can be quite expensive too. I have no direct personal experience of it unfortunately, but a trained counsellor I spoke to said her experience was that is was very effective. More so perhaps than EMDR but again, I can only repeat what I've heard.

There will be ups and downs unfortunately, so having some sort of coping strategy in place is almost essential, whether that's mindful breathing or having a list of things to do in that situation or something else. I've had it described to me like receding waves crashing on a shore. They keep coming but gradually the intensity reduces. This I know to be true.

Some people advocate expressing anger by beating up cushions with a stick, or attacking a punch bag. Not everyone's cup of tea though. Be prepared if you do release anger that quite often there will be strong emotions underneath it, so it may only be advisable to explore it in a safe place i.e. with your therapist. 

This might sound daft, but tell yourself positive things to the mirror, on a daily basis. It probably won't have an immediate effect but think of the water drip eroding away stone. 

If it appeals to you, see if there are any trauma groups nearby. Sharing with people who know what it's like can be very healing, and gives you the opportunity to learn (and share) more coping strategies. 

Your determination and motivation to face this is a HUGE resource, don't underestimate it. Three steps forward, two steps back is still progress. 

/ramble over

PolarityMan

There must be some musical coping strategies, drumming is a great physical release of energy for example and some of the best songs ever written were the result of the artists struggling with their demons. I don't know if any of the more knowledgeable guys are aware of whether playing / writing etc typically help?

octatonic

Have you read this?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748

menamestom

I've never been in the same situation, but I was being affected by work stress at one time which was manifesting itself in anger, depression and anxiety.  This was over a few months, possibly 6, so it's not as if I suffer depression long term in my natural state.  Anyway,  I ended up doing listening to a guided meditation app that was really good.  I didn't get right into the whole mindfulness thing and to be honest after a few sessions on the app just one idea changed my whole way of thinking.  That is, problems come and go.  The problems stress us but are not actually part of us; you can let them go.  The meditation basically had a voice saying don't srtuggle with your thoughts, just let them come and go.  Then slowly I became much less stressed and happier during a time of extreme pressure.  So I still tried my best, but beyond that I didn't care - the work and pressure belonged to the company not me.   Anyway, not totally relevant to you situation but it was a little like switching a light bulb on for me, so that's the point, it can be for you.  Just go forward and don't worry about not worrying or things not sticking, if you learn something you won't just unlearn it. Enjoy the new perspective and additional control.

Heartfeltdawn

Haych said:

I saw my therapist again yesterday and I explained what had happened (all apart from the bit about the gun, didn't want to talk myself into a padded room) and she mentioned the importance of self care while we're digging up all this junk and unprocessed trauma from the last 35 years and suggested looking into mindfulness and thinking positively about myself (something I find very difficult to do, when a thought system is so engrained it is no longer a thought but a belief, a knowing.  Kind of like 2 + 2 = 4, you no longer have to analyse the equation because you know it to be true, although with depression it's kind of like knowing and believing that 2 + 2 = 9.  Even though it can be proved to be untrue it's incredibly difficult not to believe.)

It's similar to how I described anorexia recovery to people several years ago. Although I'd reached a healthier weight, I still had tremendously negative thoughts about me. "2+2 = 9 and fat" was the equation in my head. One thing I had to accept was that what my head was telling me about myself was completely wrong. It was biased, the worst possible judge at that time, and that other people were a far better judge of myself than I was. So if someone said I was looking better, I resolved that I would accept their words, in essence accepting that 2+2 = 4 without fully understanding why 2+2 = 4. As time went on, the negative thoughts about me fell back and I began to be able to rely on myself, to trust that I wasn't judging myself harshly or far too negatively. 

Writing things down is a great great tool. Speech can be too quick and too easy. Writing makes you stop and think if you do it right. 

With the critical self, my method was to separate it from the rest of me. I accepted that my critical self was a biased git and therefore it was up to the rest of me to either accept what the critical self said or to ignore it and focus on other things. Over time the critical self shut his trap

Haych

Thanks everyone for the very useful comments and suggestions.  I'm still processing a lot of stuff but I think I'm coming to terms with "me", if that makes any sense.

Growing up and even into adult life I have come to the conclusion that I have neglected me.  Obviously I do things for me and always have but for some reason there has always been a degree of shame and guilt associated with it.  If I do something good for myself it's usually with the caveat that "you're a selfish prick" from my inner critical voice.  Right now I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I am capable of love and I need to be loved, so why can I not fulfil both those roles?  Not in any narcissistic way but in a healthy way - before this was something of an enigma to me.

So I'm allowing myself small kindnesses and not feeling guilty about it.  I'm telling myself that I deserve a coffee/a new book/some new pickups etc and allowing myself for the first time to enjoy being both the giver and receiver.

Something has definitely 'moved' inside and finally clicked into place.  Along with that is the fear that this feeling will pass and I will once again crash.  I'm trying to be realistic and not expect too much and not overthink things (something which I find very difficult), right now I'm just enjoying the realisation that I matter.

Airing my inner demons here is also cathartic.  I don't know anyone and I'm sure if I was off the mark people wouldn't be afraid to say, if I told my friends and family what I'm going through they would a.) express pity/sympathy/empathy, which is nice and a natural response, but not useful and would make me feel awkward, and b.) they would likely tell me what I wanted to hear or tell me a biased version of their opinion that fits with how I understand things.

Thanks again everyone, you're all a pretty good bunch and it's nice to be part of this little online community.