A bit of parental advice please.

breakstuff

Apologies,this may get a little long winded but bear with me.

I have two teenage boys and as anyone with kids will know they absolutely love their mobile phones.Never without them.We have to constantly tell them to put them away when we want them to do something which is getting a bit boring,not to mention extremely frustrating.Until recently,Friday and Saturday nights where family time,when we'd watch a movie and generally hang out together but this has been impossible lately due to them being constantly glued to their phones,playing games or texting their mates.We threaten to take the phones off them but this leads to arguments and a resulting bad atmosphere.
I realise as kids get older they don't want to spend as much time with their parents but this adjustment phase is getting a bit hard to handle for both me and Donna,my wife.

Anyway,now to the point of this post.My eldest,Ollie who is now seventeen recently started a college course learning motor mechanics.He's been after an apprenticeship and through determination and hard work he learned before Christmas he had been accepted at a local garage and started work two weeks ago.Bearing in mind it only took him three months from starting the course to landing his apprenticeship we where extremely proud of him,of which naturally we told him.The problem is he starts at eight o'clock in the morning and you know what teenagers are like for getting up.He'll rise around 7.15 to 7.30, jump in the shower,get his breakfast,all the while with his phone in his hand.I've tried to explain to him that you can get things done much quicker and more efficiently with two free hands rather than one but to no evail.He'll leave the house with ten minutes to spare to bike the three miles to work.I've told him he needs to leave earlier,on the off chance he gets a puncture but he says ten minutes is ok.Sat him down last night and told him the Wi-Fi will be turned off in the morning when I go to work at 5.30 and will only go on once he is ready for work.If he's got time he can then go on his phone and do whatever he needs to do.I then went in to say if nothing changes the Wi-Fi will go off at ten at night and will not be turned on until either Donna or I get home in the evening from work or when I get up when I'm on nights.Cue much wailing and protestations that he's doing nothing wrong and we're always moaning at him.The thing is,as I've explained to him,he's got a brilliant opportunity with his apprenticeship, something that a lot of kids his age won't get and he worked so hard to get it,it would be foolish to waste it because he can't get to work on time.

The question is,are we being too hard on him and making a mountain out of a mole hill or should we leave him to get on with it and learn his lesson the hard way.

Bridgehouse

Your house, your rules.

MrBump

That's so similar to my house!  My boys are 15 and 12, the eldest does nothing but sit on his phone (plus football at the weekends, which is something).  There are constant flash points, the quality of his school work dropped off recently, leading to a threat to ban footie (he's a striker and lead goal scorer for a local team, and losing that would hit him hard).  After that he's towed the line a little more. 

But it's not as simple as "your house, your rules".  If you have a strong willed young man sharing your house with you, chock fill of hormones and youthful aggression, it's way more complex than that.

You have my sympathy.  If you come up with a decent solution, let me know!!!

TheBigDipper

It's your house, so you can do what you want. The question is, what result do you want to achieve for your boy? I think you run the risk of confusing (in his mind, for sure) the issue you have with the phone in general, with him making the most of his opportunity. I wonder if he thinks you are using the work situation as an excuse to restrict his phone usage - something he already knows you disagree with? 

I'd let him just get on with it and if he fails, then so be it. That's a life lesson. There will be other opportunities. I don't think you want to teach him to rely on you to manage his life, somehow, or you wouldn't be asking for feedback here.

Good luck. The process will be frustrating whatever you choose to do, but usually they turn out alright in the end! 

breakstuff

Bridgehouse said:

Your house, your rules.

We're pretty easy going parents and they are good kids so didn't want to go down that route but I did resort to it last night.Had. too really.

He got a right mardy on and didn't speak to us for the rest of the night.Him and his Mum have similar personalities so often clash,whereas I'm more chilled out and try to explain any problems with him,but even I found myself getting angry with him.Just walked out of the room and calmed myself down.I told him how easy he's got it compared to what I went through at his age.Don't know if that made a difference.

breakstuff

Good point @TheBigDipper,especially your last line.He is a good kid and gives us no grief other than the phones usage.

Bridgehouse

breakstuff said:

Bridgehouse said:

Your house, your rules.

We're pretty easy going parents and they are good kids so didn't want to go down that route but I did resort to it last night.Had. too really.

He got a right mardy on and didn't speak to us for the rest of the night.Him and his Mum have similar personalities so often clash,whereas I'm more chilled out and try to explain any problems with him,but even I found myself getting angry with him.Just walked out of the room and calmed myself down.I told him how easy he's got it compared to what I went through at his age.Don't know if that made a difference.

I went through it as an adolescent, and we did it with my stepson (who now has his own place).

It might seem harsh but it really helps to develop a sense of social responsibility I think. 

Cirrus

breakstuff said:

Bridgehouse said:

Your house, your rules.

I told him how easy he's got it compared to what I went through at his age.Don't know if that made a difference.

I don't have kids, I'm 31, But I remember being a teenager and no, I don't think that would. And why would it? In his mind, the world you grew up in is ancient history. Why should it influence how he has to live/ get treated? Kids are only ever going to see the world from their own point of view. He likes using his phone, it's a way to stay in contact with his mates, and frankly the way he sees that technology and how it interfaces with his every day life is fundamentally different to the way you see it. To you, it's a little electronic gadget distracting him from the here and now. To him, it IS his here and now, the tool he uses to interact with the world that matters to him.

Rox

Rules is rules, @Breakstuff stand your ground. 

guitarfishbay

I'm not a parent but I'm unsure what you're trying to achieve here with switching off the WiFi. 

If he's late to work it is his problem, and he has to learn from the consequences of this.  If he fails it reflects only on him, not on you, you've already explained things to him and after that it's up to him as he's almost an adult at this stage.

Never underestimate how stubborn a teenager can be (thinking back to my own childhood here).  Stubbornness can outlast willpower or at least cause enough hassle that it isn't worth it so I'd be cautious to escalate to switching off the WiFi in the morning - to me that is a pretty extreme reaction to a non issue.

If he is hogging the bathroom and causing others to be late then yes it is an issue but if he's only impacting on himself then leave him to it.

breakstuff

Cirrus said:

breakstuff said:

Bridgehouse said:

Your house, your rules.

I told him how easy he's got it compared to what I went through at his age.Don't know if that made a difference.

I don't have kids, I'm 31, But I remember being a teenager and no, I don't think that would. And why would it? In his mind, the world you grew up in is ancient history. Why should it influence how he has to live/ get treated? Kids are only ever going to see the world from their own point of view. He likes using his phone, it's a way to stay in contact with his mates, and frankly the way he sees that technology and how it interfaces with his every day life is fundamentally different to the way you see it. To you, it's a little electronic gadget distracting him from the here and now. To him, it IS his here and now, the tool he uses to interact with the world that matters to him.

Yeah I get that,but as I said to him,there's a time and place.I never said he couldn't go on Hus phone in the morning, just that I'd rather he got ready for work first with plenty of time to spare and then,if he's time to go on his phone to speak to his mates.Interesting point you make though. Thanks for a different perspective.

RocknRollDave

There's an argument that says he is old enough to make his own mistakes and maybe getting to work late and getting a ticking off from the boss might get the message through better than his old man laying down rules.
The rules may seem arbitrary to him at home, but when they have real-life implications, he may rethink his stance.

breakstuff

guitarfishbay said:

I'm not a parent but I'm unsure what you're trying to achieve here with switching off the WiFi. 

If he's late to work it is his problem, and he has to learn from the consequences of this.  If he fails it reflects only on him, not on you, you've already explained things to him and after that it's up to him as he's almost an adult at this stage.

Never underestimate how stubborn a teenager can be (thinking back to my own childhood here).  Stubbornness can outlast willpower or at least cause enough hassle that it isn't worth it so I'd be cautious to escalate to switching off the WiFi in the morning - to me that is a pretty extreme reaction to a non issue.

If he is hogging the bathroom and causing others to be late then yes it is an issue but if he's only impacting on himself then leave him to it.

I think you may be right @guitarfishbay,I may be over thinking it.l just don't want him to lose this opportunity he's been given.Maybe I'm underestimating him,after all he's not been late to work yet as far as I know.I think maybe I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one

EricTheWeary

I've got a 16 year old son also called Ollie who is a right mardy git.  Not sure I've got an answer for you but if anyone comes up with a solution I'm listening...

Some of it is just hanging on in and being positive about the good things, I think, like a lot of tofu in veganuary and not moaning about the noise when he's making music. He experienced getting drunk before Xmas ( he rarely sees his mother or me drink any alcohol and family events are 'dry' occasions) but he seems to have learned that being sick and waking up feeling ill wasn't a great outcome- for the moment at least. And one day he will grow up I guess. 

benmurray85

You're using the job situation to try and enforce the phone situation and as mentioned above I think that's a confusing way of doing it. Stick to your guns on the phone stance but maybe the shock of getting into trouble with an authority firgure at work for lateness may be what he needs. .

jonnyburgo

I have kids, boy is 11 and loves his phone, however he doesnt like to disappoint and generally toes the line, which may change in the next couple of yrs. As long as he does his homework as soon as he walks through the door, i let him use it, although to be fair, he isnt glued to it and we dont let him bring it on days out or to meals etc. Nowt worse than a family sat round a table all looking at their phones, I think thats sad. Keep your boundaries structured and firm.

 This applies in my job working with teenagers in care, yes you go through a load of shit at first, could be months of physical restraints, getting punched and spat at etc but it turns around if everybody is on board.

RocknRollDave

Any help with a 5 year old daughter who refuses to get dressed for school at the moment? And who screams the house down if we dare try and wash her hair?

Octafish

I dreading this stuff, my daughter's just gone two! It's a tricky one, but I think it's good to try and tackle it rather than just put up with the situation.

On one hand I can sympathise with kids these days. I was quite addicted to computer gaming at points in my early teens and I was lucky the internet was not available then as I'm sure I would have been addicted. I probably also spent the sort of time kids spend on their phones these days in my bedroom playing guitar and listening to music, certainly took priority over school work.

On the other hand I hate mobile phones and all the crap that goes with them including the brainless zombie like behaviour they seem to induce. What's more I see 6-7 year old children with their own working mobiles, which to me is just ridiculous. No child that age needs a phone. I can only hope and encourage my daughter to get some interests/hobbies to fill up her time. I'm sure a lot of kids (particularly teenagers) are addicted to phones out of boredom, in the past it would have been time watching crap on TV.

Fuengi

Sounds fair enough to me.

The 'great opportunity' point might be better coming from someone else he respects - other than his parents. 

It can be frustrating, I lost my focus for a short time - between the ages of 15 and 35 - but it's only temporary 

kin

A a parent i have every sympathy with your sensible grown up viewpoint. Every word your saying to your lad is true but i left home at seventeen precisley because i wanted to live  life my own way.

  There is a point at which you'll have to decide whether getting on his case to enforce your sensible views on the matter is going to be worth alienating him to the extent he might leave.

   At sseventeen we are usually coming to the conclusion that actually Dad dosen't always know best ( even if in this case he does ) and that we are quite capable of making our own descisions.

  It's his life to do with as he pleases, question you must ask yourself is where you would like him to be if or when he fucks up, in a shitty bedsit like i was  or living at home with you.

  Good luck with it.

tone1

My 14 year old Daughter has her phone downstairs at 8.30pm switched off and on charge every night. No devices in her room overnight