A bit of parental advice please.

hywelg

Most important thing about rules, especially for teenagers, is that they remain in force. No exceptions.

Teenagers actually respond well to boundaries, the problem is imposing them late when they have got used to doing as they please.

Bear in mind, even though they think they are adults, they are most definitely not, and will make all the wrong decisions given half a chance. You are the adult, they will get there eventually.

breakstuff

kin said:

A a parent i have every sympathy with your sensible grown up viewpoint. Every word your saying to your lad is true but i left home at seventeen precisley because i wanted to live  life my own way.

  There is a point at which you'll have to decide whether getting on his case to enforce your sensible views on the matter is going to be worth alienating him to the extent he might leave.

   At sseventeen we are usually coming to the conclusion that actually Dad dosen't always know best ( even if in this case he does ) and that we are quite capable of making our own descisions.

  It's his life to do with as he pleases, question you must ask yourself is where you would like him to be if or when he fucks up, in a shitty bedsit like i was  or living at home with you.

  Good luck with it.

Again good points @kin.Thanks mate.

And thanks everyone.I'm pretty easily won over but I think Donna may have a different outlook on it,which I totally sympathise with as she's usually the one dealing with it every morning. Much to chew over.

quarky

You can't force people to learn. At 17, he is practically an adult, just without the experience. 

In terms of "family time" and phones, we have a rule that there are no phones at the table (I was as guilty of that at times as anyone). Apart from that though, talk to them and explain why you don't want phones during family time, and ask if they are happy with that that. Maybe their idea of chilling, hanging out and relaxing is talking while playing on their phones. So maybe see about a compromise.

How about you propose that on EITHER Friday or Saturday night, you have a film with no phones. If they can agree to one night while the film is on, great, if they can't, who wins from them sitting their pissed off wishing they were using their phones, and you sitting there wishing they were not pissed off about it?

Otherwise, what is more important here? Your relationship with them, or them not being on their phones? 

You need to encourage and support him to take that opportunity with his apprenticeship. You can't effectively strong-arm someone into it. Or not particularly well. 

rlw

My dad always used to remind me that I could behave as I wished in my own home but not his. A subtle hint that I was always able to be kicked out....

PolarityMan

I had to take my wife's phone from my son the other day and he had a proper tantrum, he lay on the floor rolling around screaming. Later on he shat himself.
















He is only 1 though

FX_Munkee

Charge him for wifi access.

ewal

I don't have any answers. All I can say is that my 16 year old son is a hundred times worse, and the fights things like this cause in our house are extremely damaging to all involved. Unfortunately, my wife and I have very different temperaments and views on the matter, so relationships are now regularly strained in three directions... I think that strong arm tactics just cause conflict and serve to undermine his confidence as we are effectively making decisions for him... My wife thinks otherwise and believes there has to be consequences for just about everything he does... It's all a bit poisonous....

axisus

We have similar problems. My oldest is 20 and working, but he relies 100% on us, does himself (and us!) no favours in attitude to getting sorted on time, and on top of that gets arsey real quick with his mum despite her getting him up, making his lunch and driving him 2 miles to his lift to work every day. 

Those that say 'your house your rules' seem to have a simplistic one size fits all attitude to life, and reality ain't like that. Some things they come around with over time. 

breakstuff

Think I'm just going to go along with it for now and have a bit more faith in him.He's an otherwise sensible kid and we're both massively proud of him.He'll find his way,I'm sure.

Modern parents eh.I think we worry too much.

Teetonetal

BTW - make sure you are leading by example. Make sure you are not tied to your phone...

I'm tied to my phone - thanks to work. I get up at 06:00, so it's up, phone, shower, phone, out, phone, breakfast on the move, catch bus at 06:20, phone all the way to work. It's almost becoming an essential skill.

@ewal you and your wife need to sort out what your joint position is and stick to it. That sounds like a recipe for disaster.

breakstuff

I try and keep my phone usage to a minimum around the family @Teetonetal ; and most evenings stick it on charge in another room.I spend most of my time on my phone either on here or Youtube but mostly when I'm at work on tea breaks or when I'm at home alone when getting up after a night shift.I'm probably guilty of spending too much time on it,if I'm honest.

grungebob

who pays his phone bill?
Now hes got a job make him pay it ( if he doesn't already), if he gets the sack  then no more phone. or He ca ndo as you ask and you'll still pay his bill?

breakstuff

He contributes £10 a month towards it @grungebob but I was thinking of making him pay more now he's working full time.He was previously working for Burger King part time for a pattance so we didn't want to take too much off him.

MrBump

tone1 said:

My 14 year old Daughter has her phone downstairs at 8.30pm switched off and on charge every night. No devices in her room overnight 

That's a rule we have too, nothing in bedrooms, not even TVs.

Iamnobody

MrBump said:

tone1 said:

My 14 year old Daughter has her phone downstairs at 8.30pm switched off and on charge every night. No devices in her room overnight 

That's a rule we have too, nothing in bedrooms, not even TVs.

Very sensible. I'll keep that one in the memory for when ours are older. What age do you give them a phone? I think 11 is probably the minimum...

We won't allow our kids to have TV's in their rooms either if and when they ask. We haven't got one in ours so why should they. In fact we only have one TV in the whole house.

RocknRollDave said:

Any help with a 5 year old daughter who refuses to get dressed for school at the moment? And who screams the house down if we dare try and wash her hair?

No help but we have the same problem here some days. Other days she's good as gold and exceedes our expectations by getting completely ready by herself, face washed, teeth cleaned and dressed etc.

Some days though it's a complete meltdown and we have to do it all for her!

Hair washing generally results in screaming for no apparent reason as well...

Re. OP question at 17 he definitely has to make his own mistakes. You can try and guide him but then it's up to him.

House rules are an interesting one at that age. I guess they can be brought into force though - as long as they are not too draconian.

crunchman

We are another one with a 5 year old girl who doesn't want to go to school most mornings as well.  She keeps claiming a sore tummy.  Hope she doesn't go to school and throw up everywhere.

Her 8 year old sister is nagging for a phone but she's not getting one yet.  Some of her friends have got phones with no SIM cards so they can play games on it etc.  That might be a good first step.

We're definitely no TVs in rooms as well.

Edit:  Does anyone know much about Roblox?  Our older one has been playing it as a guest without an account so she can't talk to anyone on there.  It looks mostly harmless and at least one of her friends has an account, but we are undecided about whether to let her have an account.

professorben

Sounds like you are trying to micro manage your kid, he's 17? If he loses his job that's his deal, if he can juggle phone and work more power to him, all you are going to do is create a pinch point which will cause tension and resentment. 

Hes more than old enough to make his own choices, you have explained your feelings, it's up to him to do it. 

bear in mind I was given 'my way or the highway' and I chose the highway, moved out few weeks after my 16th birthday, been living by my rules ever since, hardly talk to my parents. 

professorben

Btw this whole 'my house my rules' is bullshit, it's the kids house too, he was born there, or at least into the household, sure he don't pay the bills but he didn't ask to be created, that's all on the parents, to create a life then hold a stick saying 'you owe me sonny Jim' is beyond deplorable. 

@breakstuff not having a go at you fella, you sound a very loving and concerned dad, just remember teens these days have f all to rebel against, don't give him you. 

breakstuff

No worries @professorben That's a good point re teens having nothing to rebel against.Thinking on,it's not the worst thing he could be doing.We've been blessed with two kids who are,as I've said,really good kids.I think I may be over reacting.Gonna give him a break on this one.Different times,different distractions and all that,to my day.

professorben

breakstuff said:

No worries @professorben That's a good point re teens having nothing to rebel against.Thinking on,it's not the worst thing he could be doing.We've been blessed with two kids who are,as I've said,really good kids.I think I may be over reacting.Gonna give him a break on this one.Different times,different distractions and all that,to my day.

Yeah, I was lucky I was either a good kid or at least too scared to go off the rails. 

Sounds like you have a goid bunch