Not really sure what the point of this is, just me venting really (and you lucky people get to be the recipient), just some random stream of barely consciousness.
Got back from the oncologist, basically the cancer mrs f had 12 years ago is back, they've removed all the visible tumours, but they are sure that it will return, although because it's a very slow growing type, so there's no immediate risk, but the cancer cells are in here, they have spread and it's just a case of waiting to see if and when they'll grow, and where (it's already spread from the original site). But since this all started back in Feb I've been feeling really homesick, for want of a better word.
We moved here to NW Devon 9 years ago from S Herts (where my mum and family still are) and where I lived most of my life and mrs f lived all of hers. I love living here, but I've never felt at home, not in the way I did in Herts. And consequently I'm feeling a really strong urge to move back to the area, but Mrs F doesn't. One of the things I felt, when she was in hospital for 2 months, was that there wasn't really a support network here for me, I was her support network, but there wasn't really anyone here for me (I don't make close friends easily, shock horror I know). And I still feel stressed to the eyeballs, not really sleeping well, feel tired all the time.
Don't know what I expect to gain from saying all this, but gotta let it out I guess.
I'm not locked in here with you, you are locked in here with me.
Comments
But you definitely need to have some kind of support for you, both for your sake and so you can keep supporting Mrs F. No idea what 'works' for you in that context, but venting here, or Skype/phone with friends, or R&R weekends back with mates in Herts or ... dunno, but hope you find it.
I don't have much to say that from my own personal experience in providing support to a family when they have been unwell it is very important to avoid burning out.
Hope you manage to find a way of getting back to S.Herts a little more and good luck with the situation.
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Jal, I know that my reactions are completely irrational, from most practical POV' life here is better, it's quieter, with access to countryside and sea etc, but I can't shake the feeling it's not home.
Pretty sure we couldn't afford S herts now, the prices there are insane, seen quite a few we could afford around the letchworth area, or north of luton.
She was initially treated at UCH, and I know the consultants there have been consulted by the guys at Derriford (an no matter how bad it is at Watford, can't be worse than Derriford, the place is almost falling apart, how she left without an infection I don't know, and they are desperately short of staff there as well, scary) so presumably UCH would take over her care.
All her family have left the area as well (Bristol for brother and Isle of Wight for her sister).
TBH, this is me being selfish, I know I have to do what is right by her, but this is just me venting about how I feel.
I'm not locked in here with you, you are locked in here with me.
Mrs F did make the succinct point earlier, she said I (as in me) don't want to go home, I want to go back in time, and that is so true. I want to go back to an idealised point before all this shit started.
I'm not locked in here with you, you are locked in here with me.
I can understand wanting to be in a safer, more ‘normal’ place, with those you know best. Not sure this constitutes advice - more a recognition that we all battle conflicting emotions at times....
EDIT: TIm, yes we do.
I'm not locked in here with you, you are locked in here with me.
I'm not locked in here with you, you are locked in here with me.
We were talking about this yesterday in the chemo suite, the past with all it's attendant plans and dreams and context for the future, are indeed a foreign country now. We are living and constantly adjusting to our new reality.
In my view it's not really an empirical function, we are neither doing it well or poorly, we're simply doing "it" - which in essence really equates to trudging between the episodal onslaught cancer brings to people's lives, and trying to stay level.
The pair of us are straining every single sinew, without pause.
Help and support? Some of the best help and support certain people can give us is to leave us the fook alone. There surely must be other circuses in town that can keep them amused.
Some people are all class, closed mouthed, open ears, willing hands. I prefer to dwell on their actions. Simply magnificent human beings.
When all is said and done, I will endure for my Wife..whatever it takes, regardless of how long it takes. I realise the toll it's taking on us both, and it is exacting a terrible toll. Everything is in play, because everything..everything is at stake.
If you need a rant and rave in some safe ears Vim, give me a shout. I get it.
Paul.
Tim, I appreciate the thought, I really do, but mrs F is a very, insanely so, private person. When her sister offered to come up and stay, she had a freak out at the idea. She gets very anxious around people. She always jokes that it's her brain that is making her ill.
Besides, the spare room currently is loaded to the gunnels with all her crap (mind you, so is the rest of the house).
I'm not locked in here with you, you are locked in here with me.
Interesting though - what you describe might add another insight to the feeling of isolation you mention?
I'm not locked in here with you, you are locked in here with me.