Had to share this.
101 best Chuck Norris jokes, but, they arnt jokes..... Nobody Jokes about Chuck Norris unless they are Chuck Norris,
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- Chuck Norris breathes air ... five times a day.
- In the Beginning there was nothing ... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
- When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck Norris said, “Say Please.”
- Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
- If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
- The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, 'Two seconds till.' After you ask, 'Two seconds to what?' he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris appeared in the 'Street Fighter II' video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That's no glitch.”
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
- Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.
- If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.
- On the 7th day, God rested ... Chuck Norris took over.
- Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
- Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
- Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
- Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
- Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice.
- Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
- Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.
- Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
- Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.
- Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
- Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.
- Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
- Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
- Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
- Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
- When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
- Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
- Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
- Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
A Deuce , a Tele and a cup of tea.
Comments
’if you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death’.
https://youtu.be/l7Cul2W7fs8?si=Q_cgWP0f6fMtQezN
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feZB6eWSk_w
There is no 'H' in Aych, you know that don't you? ~ Wife
Turns out there is an H in Haych! ~ Sporky
Bit of trading feedback here.
Chuck Norris, thats what just happened,
Such a shame he's a homophobic nutter who supported the "birther" conspiracy theory about Obama, among other things.
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”Yeah I was. But after five days of agonizing pain… the cobra died.”
Brilliant dross!
He got proper famous when he got cast opposite Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon in 1972, although that also massively helped Lee in getting better known across the USA.
That film definitely helped get big money for Lee to be able to do Enter The Dragon the following year
Chuck then had loads of straight to video releases until swapping to TV for a few guest appearances and then he got "Walker, Texas Ranger" - he was about 60 at the end of that and it was getting very silly.
He was in his early 70s for Expendables 2!
There's no doubt he was a supremely talented martial artist, it's just a shame about the bigotry that came with it.
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I wasn't aware of his politics until later, although some of his more militaristic films like The Delta Force, Missing In Action and Invasion USA seemed quite jingoistic, if I remember right. I wasn't so keen on those, I preferred the films where he was a cop or just a martial arts guy.
I haven't seen any of his more recent stuff. Something very weird happened to his face - and beard - at some point which is quite offputting. Plus there's the politics...
Kind of your poor man's, made for TV, van dam.