Telling A Child About Death

gubble

We have recently had a sudden and unexpected death in the family and this weekend I will need to tell my daughter about this.

My daughter's mother and i are long since divorced, both remarried etc and I have my daughter on alternative weekends. The person who has died is my (new) mother in law's l husband who my daughter sees very much as a grandfather.

My daughter is 8 years old and can be a sensitive wee soul. This will be her first experience with death and I know she will be very upset. 

I will be picking her up Friday evening and bringing her home. The plan we have so far is to make sure she's in, settled and done all the usual things she does when she gets in - gives the dog a cuddle, goes to check her bedroom. Then my wife and I then sit her down and explain what has happened.

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this?

I know it's going to cause her pain but i also know it has to be tackled and truthfully. I don't want to involve my daughter's mother (for reasons i won't go into here ) so sitting down as mum and dad and explaining it to her isn't going to be an option.

Mark1960

Just tell her the truth, in plain simple language, best to do it in the morning, so she has all day to ask any questions she may have regarding the death

hubobulous

I've been reading up on this recently as things might not be looking good for my Mum. The one consistent piece of advice is to use the word 'died' and not passed away or gone to sleep. Giving the child opportunity to fill in blanks with their imagination is not constructive. Saying someone went to sleep and didn't wake up can translate to them not wanting to go to sleep, or being worried when their parents do, for example.

Other than that, just be clear, honest with direct answers. Their concentration may wander. There's loads of good advice from Barnados online, etc, so take a look there as a starting point.

MattBanshee

Don't be overly emotional about it. Kids will read the room and react accordingly. If you go with an attitude of very very sad, huggy flowery emotion, she will consider that to be the normal, adult reaction and will copy that and be irrationally sad and emotional. If you explain, factually, scientifically and clearly that someone has died, this is why/how, and that death is inevitable, then your own rational, measured attitude will be the benchmark. Whatever you do, don't to the whole shitty "he's gone to be a angel now hun, thoughts and prayers xxxxxx"

Cirrus

Let me start by saying I don't have kids, so should probably not be giving advice.

But, I seem to remember when my grandad died suddenly, when I was aged 10, my parents just told me, quite factually but obviously gently - that he'd had a brain haemorrhage, which had happened very quickly and he wouldn't have felt any pain. They explained what a haemorrhage was.

It was obviously done gently and they gave me space to ask questions, and I cried. But I already knew about death, and I already knew people didn't last forever, that old people were more likely to die. So being young and losing someone I actually knew for the first time wasn't any more traumatic than death and loss is anyway, I think.


I know 8 isn't very old, But my instinct is that you just need to tell her what's happened, and that it's normal to feel sad. The reality is, she lives in a world where everyone's going to die, one day.

gubble

Thanks guys - much appreciated.

I want to keep quite factual with her and I know she'll ask some questions so I will just answer them as honestly as i can. 

I had to tell my wife - that was awful

joeyowen

As others have said, be very straight.  It's the way we were told to deal with it by the 'pros' (albeit to a much younger child).

Another thing, be prepared for random unannounced questions for a long time after.  Just casual random questions, which are just curiosity doing its thing.

Sorry for your loss though, never a nice time for any family

boogieman

MattBanshee said:

Don't be overly emotional about it. Kids will read the room and react accordingly. If you go with an attitude of very very sad, huggy flowery emotion, she will consider that to be the normal, adult reaction and will copy that and be irrationally sad and emotional. If you explain, factually, scientifically and clearly that someone has died, this is why/how, and that death is inevitable, then your own rational, measured attitude will be the benchmark. Whatever you do, don't to the whole shitty "he's gone to be a angel now hun, thoughts and prayers xxxxxx"

I would curb the science side a bit, she’s only 8 after all. I also think it’s all right to be sad and emotional, but I agree it’s better to be straightforward and explain things simply than to push the “Grandad’s gone to heaven and will be waiting for you” approach. 

ESBlonde

All good advice so far.

One of the benefits of pets is that children can get the concept of death first hand via a gerbill, goldfish or hampster (insert short lived pet of choice). Often this has less emotional trauma than a close relative or even family dog and if you are lucky, such an incident occures before the close relative/friend.

This doesn't help the OP in this instance, but may help someone else for the future.

Fretwired

Has she seen the Snowman? The author said that his story, which depicts the snowman melting in the morning, was designed to introduce children to the concept of mortality death.

hubobulous

We also have a book called Paper Dolls by Julia Donaldson. A very nice way of introducing death and remaining in your memory, but perhaps geared more towards younger children?

monquixote

My 6 year old is really interested in death and quite worried about it for reasons that I don't understand given that we haven't had any family members die since she's been born.

She hasn't done it for a while but I used to have to go up to see her in the night because she'd had nightmares about death.

Mostly important things aren't to go on about people "smiling down from heaven" unless that's actually what you believe. A well meaning woman told her that about her grandmother ( who died before she was born ) and caused a lot of upset and confusion.

Mostly she seems to be afraid that I and my wife will die and leave her on her own and also that she will get old and die. The main issue she has is that she can't get her head around the concept of not existing so she thinks that she will be a skeleton buried under the ground for ever.  Its quite hard to explain around this without refering to going to heaven or going to sleep which I don't want to do as "you will just stop existing" is too conceptual for her.

Trude

I think kids are pretty good at understanding death if you're straight with them and don't try to sugar-coat it.  My son lost his great-gran when he was three, and then my Dad died a couple of years later.  There were lots of tears and hugs (for all of us), but I think he emerged from the experience pretty well.

In fact, I'm going to copy-paste a little story here from the notes I made for my Dad's eulogy.  Pretty much sums it up for me:

• Two days after he died, I decided to go ahead with a booking we'd made for a short camping break.  Some family time away seemed like the best thing we could do, and Dad would have approved. 
• Henry had been asking me about death, heaven etc earlier and I told him that different people believe different things, but nobody really knows for sure.  The main thing is that we remember people who are no longer with us. 
• As we were driving down the road, loaded up with camping gear, Henry turned to me and said "Grandad will live in my heart now".  That's good enough for me

Kilgore

monquixote said:

My 6 year old is really interested in death and quite worried about it for reasons that I don't understand given that we haven't had any family members die since she's been born.

She hasn't done it for a while but I used to have to go up to see her in the night because she'd had nightmares about death.

Mostly important things aren't to go on about people "smiling down from heaven" unless that's actually what you believe. A well meaning woman told her that about her grandmother ( who died before she was born ) and caused a lot of upset and confusion.

Mostly she seems to be afraid that I and my wife will die and leave her on her own and also that she will get old and die. The main issue she has is that she can't get her head around the concept of not existing so she thinks that she will be a skeleton buried under the ground for ever.  Its quite hard to explain around this without refering to going to heaven or going to sleep which I don't want to do as "you will just stop existing" is too conceptual for her.

My son went through a period of great anxiety about death when he was five. I  explained that some people believed in heaven and some didn't but what was most important was to enjoy our lives now and be happy that we have people to love. He's 13 now, atheist, bright and fairly well balanced. I don't think my ham fisted approach had any lasting damage.

Cirrus

monquixote said:

 Its quite hard to explain around this without refering to going to heaven or going to sleep which I don't want to do as "you will just stop existing" is too conceptual for her.

Have you asked her what it was like before she was born? Or before her first memory?

pmbomb

@gubble sounds to me like you have it well planned already.

do you have any keepsakes from the deceased that will mean something to your daughter? my dad died when my daughter was 4 (she's nearly 8 now) and she still has a cuddly toy he gave her, she says "my grandad who died was nice and he gave me this". it's a positive memory for her. photos likewise.

also it's probably not her very first experience of death (indirectly) - there's every chance friends have had to deal with this, perhaps re adults or even pets.

wishing you well.

monquixote

Cirrus said:

monquixote said:

 Its quite hard to explain around this without refering to going to heaven or going to sleep which I don't want to do as "you will just stop existing" is too conceptual for her.

Have you asked her what it was like before she was born? Or before her first memory?

Yes she pretty much thinks she's always existed or that before then she was in mummy's tummy.

I've tried to explain that there was a time before that but I don't think she gets it on a conceptual level.

brucegill

Sorry for your loss. 

We had a spate of family deaths when my twins were a little younger (they’re 8 now). All the above seems to cover most things. Neither my wife or I are religious but we did say that the person had gone up to the stars. Right or wrong, who knows, but it did seem to help as they realised they weren’t here anymore and had gone somewhere else. No idea where this came from but they seemed to take comfort in it. I also feel it was right to show emotion as it was an emotional time. I remember being amazed at how strong we were when telling the boys this, I thought I’d loose my shit somewhere along the line. Even though they’re 8 I still don’t feel like a dad sometimes if that makes sense. 

Our dog was attached and killed last year and that was much harder to exsplain. The human deaths seem to have gone by reasonably easily. 

Keep strong and be honest and it should go ok. 

Cirrus

brucegill said:

Our dog was attached and killed last year and that was much harder to exsplain. The human deaths seem to have gone by reasonably easily. 

It's funny how that can work. We lost a cat after only 9 months, and I'm pretty sure it was the saddest I've ever felt - way worse than losing family members. Doesn't mean I didn't love the family members deeply, I just think with grief there's an element of conversation or empathy and understanding that you have with your imagined version of a human that you've lost which can be a comfort - in all probability, you can guess how they felt about their impending death, how they'd feel and react to the consequences of it... with an animal, you don't get that, so there's more left unresolved.

Grumpyrocker

Simple and truthful always the best course.

I've been talking to my twins all about death since the month they were born, as we lost their mother the day after they came into the world.

Death has always been part of their lives. And so something we've always spoken of. And I've always tried to answer their questions honestly.

Emp_Fab

I’m so sorry to hear that @Grumpyrocker - my heart goes out to you.  However, it’s a credit to you that you kept it together to make it as a responsible and caring dad.