My favourite new phrase...

HAL9000

He’d be out of his depth in a puddle.
So dense that light bends around him.

MrTee

Couldn't find his arse with two hands

Headphones

My personal fave is:  "keeps a photo of an elbow on his desk for recognition purposes"

keithf

A mate once said about his ex farther in law,

"I'd get up earlier in the morning just to hate him for longer "

Made me chuckle

merlin

See you later, Crocodile. 

scrumhalf

My old French teacher:

"If you were as tall as you were stupid you'd have to bend down to kiss the moon."

robgilmo

bertie said:

Jaycee said:

skullfunkerry said:

I tend to use "It's not rocket surgery", which usually results in a quizzical look

That maybe because it seems like an amalgamation of " It's not brain surgery" and "It's not rocket science"

no shit

Or it could be a Rickyism?

drofluf

“He’s hung like a hamster”

Timcito

merlin said:

See you later, Crocodile. 

That's pervoise!

Sorry -memories of Frank Costanza!

bertie

my gran used to say, 

"see that hippo over there,  got a mouth like........................................."

bertie

robgilmo said:

Or it could be a Rickyism?

crikey, I wonder if he's related to Mrs Bert.......................... at least 5 a week

strtdv

You're not the stupidest person in the country, but you'd better hope they don't die

maltingsaudio

That’s the badger

Dung in a bucket

Poo sticks

Nitefly

Manager?  He couldn't manage twins in a pram!

tone1

My fav’s

As useful as a handbrake on a canoe 
As much use a a chocolate fire guard
Like a roof tiler’s nail bag
Like a plasterer’s radio
He/She/They couldn’t drive a stick up a cow’s a***

He/She/They couldn’t hit a cow’s a*** with a banjo

and many, many more…..

skullfunkerry

With regard to the rocket surgery thing, yes it's a deliberate amalgamation of brain surgery & rocket science, I enjoy the puzzled looks it generates.

Along the same lines as the "clown's pocket, sausages down Oxford Street" etc, one of my bandmates was telling us at rehearsal about a girl he'd taken home the previous weekend, and said "I'm not going to say she was loose, but I might as well have opened my bedroom windows and tried to fuck the night"  

Dominic

nero1701 said:

And here we go again with the misogyny.
Reference to a ladies vagina as a hippos yawn is a bit 1970.

Old but Gold mate

gordiji

From my grandad , he's as 'sharp as shite on a frosty morning' .

ElectricXII

I like "he/she has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle".

steveledzep

Not a new one, but a favourite of mine:  "Neither use nor ornament"