Friday humour

breakstuff

Went to Currys and asked the assistant to sell me a kettle.

"Kenwood?" he replied.

"Where's he then?" I said.

Bridgehouse

breakstuff said:

Went to Currys and asked the assistant to sell me a kettle.

"Kenwood?" he replied.

"Where's he then?" I said.

You are Tim Vine and ICM £5

breakstuff

Bridgehouse said:

breakstuff said:

Went to Currys and asked the assistant to sell me a kettle.

"Kenwood?" he replied.

"Where's he then?" I said.

You are Tim Vine and ICM £5

Love silly jokes like them.I heard them today on Bob Mortimers Athletico  Mince podcast.

Made me chuckle 

goldtop

Fretwired

Gassage

proggy

A man who fell into a combine harvester whilst trying to steal it has been bailed.

jdgm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are out driving in Watson's shiny new automobile, and having a jolly time until suddenly the oil pressure gauge starts to waver and the light on the dashboard goes on. 

"I say Holmes", says Watson, "I think we had better pull in at the next garage and purchase some lubricant!"

"Very well, Watson old chap, whatever's necessary to keep our motorised carriage on the road!"

"I say Holmes, while we're at it, would you like to split one of those new-fangled ice creams with me?"

"I don't think so, old boy, gives me a headache y'know, bad for the old grey matter - but you carry on."

"Gosh Holmes, I can't possibly eat a whole one and I don't think they'll sell me half an ice cream, surely?"

"Don't worry, Watson! Leave it to me - you just have to know how to address the merchant classes!"  

They pull into the garage.

Holmes gets out and goes to the kiosk, where the attendant says "yes sir, may I help you?"

And Sherlock Holmes says;

"Half a cone and oil, please."  

BigBearKris

jdgm said:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are out driving in Watson's shiny new automobile, and having a jolly time until suddenly the oil pressure gauge starts to waver and the light on the dashboard goes on. 

"I say Holmes", says Watson, "I think we had better pull in at the next garage and purchase some lubricant!"

"Very well, Watson old chap, whatever's necessary to keep our motorised carriage on the road!"

"I say Holmes, while we're at it, would you like to split one of those new-fangled ice creams with me?"

"I don't think so, old boy, gives me a headache y'know, bad for the old grey matter - but you carry on."

"Gosh Holmes, I can't possibly eat a whole one and I don't think they'll sell me half an ice cream, surely?"

"Don't worry, Watson! Leave it to me - you just have to know how to address the merchant classes!"  

They pull into the garage.

Holmes gets out and goes to the kiosk, where the attendant says "yes sir, may I help you?"

And Sherlock Holmes says;

"Half a cone and oil, please."  

Wow indeed

kaypeejay

BigBearKris said:

jdgm said:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are out driving in Watson's shiny new automobile, and having a jolly time until suddenly the oil pressure gauge starts to waver and the light on the dashboard goes on. 

"I say Holmes", says Watson, "I think we had better pull in at the next garage and purchase some lubricant!"

"Very well, Watson old chap, whatever's necessary to keep our motorised carriage on the road!"

"I say Holmes, while we're at it, would you like to split one of those new-fangled ice creams with me?"

"I don't think so, old boy, gives me a headache y'know, bad for the old grey matter - but you carry on."

"Gosh Holmes, I can't possibly eat a whole one and I don't think they'll sell me half an ice cream, surely?"

"Don't worry, Watson! Leave it to me - you just have to know how to address the merchant classes!"  

They pull into the garage.

Holmes gets out and goes to the kiosk, where the attendant says "yes sir, may I help you?"

And Sherlock Holmes says;

"Half a cone and oil, please."  

Wow indeed

I prefer the “Lemon entry Watson” joke but I can only remember the punchline. 

HAL9000

Sherlock Holmes is standing behind a lady in the queue at the supermarket. As the lady puts her items (a box of cornflakes, some soap, and a packet of Hobnobs) on to the conveyor Sherlock Holmes says to her 'Ah, obviously you must be single'.

'How can you know that?' asks the lady.

'Well', replies Holmes, 'you're butt ugly'.

proggy

The world tongue-twister champion was killed today in a tragic motorway accident.

He was hit by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry...........

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Fretwired

Who'd have thought ... ;-)

rawk100

https://i.imgur.com/5LeQSeW.png

proggy

Two goldfish go into a pub and the barman said, "Why the long faeces?"