Friday humour

Gassage

Mate of mine was released from jail. He left with his prison trainers and £43.

Been inside for a few years and frankly, he was desperate for a shag, so he stopped at the local whore house and explained he'd only got £43 and his trainers......

'No probs, says the Madam, it'll be a quickie but it'll cost all your money and your pumps....and, because of the price, I'll just listen to my iPod whilst you're fucking me..."

The bloke shags and shags, and then halfway though, the whore starts wrapping her legs around his back and gyrating her pelvis in the most erotic manner imaginable

After the guy cums, they're getting dressed and he says ' Look, you said you were gonna listen to your music, then suddenly, all those moves with your legs and pelvis...that was amazing....I assume I must have hit the spot for you then...?"

"Don't flatter yourself love,' came the reply. "I needed to check if the pumps fitted....."

Gassage

Essex girl goes into Harrods' perfumery dept.

She spies a random unmarked bottle of scent and sprays it on her tattoo'd wrist.....

She walks up to the store assistant...

"Mmmm,' she says...."I really really like this...It's really fackin' lovely. But there's no name on the bottle...wassit called luv?'

The shop assistant stares at her with a steely glare and replies "That, Ma'am, is called Venez à moi...and is 20 guineas."

"Oooooooh,' says the Essex girl..."Venez à moi...that's French innit? I been to Eurodisney there...wassit mean then?"

"That, Ma'am, means 'come to me' in French....'

Essex girl smells her wrist again with a puzzled look...and waves her wrist under the assistant's nose and says...

"Well...it don't smell nufick like cum to me...does it smell like cum to you...?"

Gassage

Last one from me...

Pub in Wales....the landlord is a bit of a philanderer and the wife's a pisshead.

For many years now the landlord's being having an affair with Doris, a double leg amputee from across the village.

One night, he says to Doris: 'Wait until closing time, then wait undressed in the outside loo for me and I'll come and do you senseless, without a word..."

Doris did exactly as asked..........and as the moment came for him to fulfil his nefarious promises, an almighty noise and clanging comes from outside.....

He rushes out and sees his wife, drunk, struggling at the door of the outside toilet....her face red with outrage...

"What's wrong?" he asks?

His wife looks at him, ready to erurpt..and exclaims...

"Some silly fucker's put the wheelbarrow in the bastard toilet..."

HAL9000

Did you hear about the dyslexic surgeon who thought he was going to an Open Mike night?

boogieman

A husband and wife are watching a documentary about an African tribe. The men all have 10" penises, which they get by treating them a certain way. They tie a length of string to their penis, then gradually attach heavier weights to stretch it.

The wife has always been disappointed with the size of her husband's tiny todger and suggests he has a go at the stretching method. After some persuasion, he agrees.

A couple of weeks later, the wife asks how he's getting on? The husband goes off to check.

"Well, we're halfway there" he says.

"What? You mean it's grown three inches longer already?" she replies excitedly.

"Err, no..... but it has turned black"

eSully

Well, if bad jokes are the order of the day, let me add ... with apologies to the easily offended:

So a petty criminal called John gets sent to prison. When he arrives at the prison the guard checks what cell he's been assigned

"Cell 666, Oh damn" says the guard, "there's this massive beast of a guy in there who's attacked everyone we're put in with him, unlucky for you"

So, John is sweating and nervous, he gets brought to the cell, pushed inside and the door slams behind him .... Out of the shadows in the corner walks the largest man John has ever seen, buck naked and a massive schlong hanging down to his ankles. The naked beast grabs his cock and starts swinging it around. He's swinging it up in the air and SMASH, he wackes a table with it like a whip .... the table smashes into smithereens, he starts swinging it around again and SMASH, he wackes it at a chair and the chair smashes into pieces.

He grabs his schlong, walks over to John and says "You see this big long schlong of mine ..... I'm going to ram this right up your arse!!!!"

At which point John replies "Oh thank Christ, I thought you were going to hit me with it"

DesVegas

http://i1370.photobucket.com/albums/ag251/DesVegas/q3Phnhi_zpsmoxmuxim.jpg

DesVegas

http://i.imgur.com/RiTLhOm.jpg

kjdowd

A photon checks into a hotel.
"Any bags we can help you with, sir?" asks the concierge.
"No, that's fine", says the photon, "I'm travelling light".

DesVegas

http://i.imgur.com/m3mppaL.jpg

Phil_aka_Pip

@DesVegas I bet it sounds a bit scratchy

Fretwired

DesVegas said:

http://i.imgur.com/m3mppaL.jpg

Great for DJs who love to scratch though ....

Fretwired

RandallFlagg

Police were called to investigate a guy who died sitting at the breakfast table face down in a bowl of muesli. 'Looks like he drowned, pulled under by a strong currant'

RandallFlagg

A thief broke into his local police station and stole all of the toilet seats. The police have issued a statement saying that at present they have nothing to go on.

eSully

Bellycaster

What is the only Pudding that can start a race?

Sago

Aaayyyyy Thang Yaw!

Bellycaster

That Woman who writes really great Novels, what's her name again????

Oh, yeah. Paige Turner!

Nitefly

Next ! ?

Fretwired