Friday humour

Fretwired

Fretwired

HAL9000

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/00/d5/2f/00d52f83a74b358451127aec2b702167.jpg

equalsql

A golden oldie.

One day a little boy is having breakfast with his mum and dad before school and a fly is buzzing around the table. His dad gets a swat and manages to flick the fly which falls to the ground on it's back with it's legs flapping in the air.  When the little boy asks his dad why the fly is doing this his dad tells him that the fly is dying and is waving to God so as to take him up to heaven.

Anyway.. the next day the boy's father comes home from work and finds his son is distraught. When asking him why he is so upset the lad replies, with tears streaming down his face that "mum almost died today!" 

 "It was horrible dad" said the little boy. "I came home from school early cos I wasn't feeling too well and when I got in I could hear mum crying out in pain up in your bedroom"  he cried

"When I went upstairs to see if mum was alright she was laying on her back with her arms and legs up in the air waving just like that dying fly the other day, screaming Oh God Oh God I'm coming" he sobbed. "If it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down I'm sure she would have gone!"

HAL9000

At the Pearly Gates the recently deceased married men are divided into two queues - one for henpecked husbands, and one for non-henpecked husbands. One day, as usual, the queue for the henpecked husbands stretched off into the far distance but, unusually, there was also someone standing in the other queue.

St Peter notices this and wanders over to the man standing on his own. 'What's your story?', he asks, 'and how come you're in this queue?'

'Actually', replies the man, 'my wife told me to stand here.'

eSully

Fretwired

tabbycat

not friday but too good to wait.

"More than $12tn (£8tn) has been siphoned out of Russia, China and other emerging economies into the secretive world of offshore finance, new research has revealed, as David Cameron prepares to host world leaders for an anti-corruption summit."

https://www.theguardian.com/business/2016/may/08/offshore-finance-emerging-countries-russia-david-cameron-summit

Fretwired

Fretwired

DesVegas

http://i.imgur.com/gVtalfQ.jpg

Fretwired

Fretwired

Tony Blair has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

'I'm not sure what to do,' says the devil. You're on my list but I have no room for you.

As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. You need to decide which room you want to stay in.'

Tony thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Margaret Thatcher and a large pool of water. She kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell.

'No!' Tony said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room. In it was George Bush with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

'No!' I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' Said Tony.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Tony saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Tony Blair looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Oh yes, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said;

'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!

axisus

True story: A Church minister invites some important religious leaders over for dinner one evening. He asks his young son if he will say grace. The little lad shuts his eyes, clasps his hands together and announces in a bold voice "for Christ's sake give us the food"

Nomad

After a couple of weeks, Tony Blair is sick of Bill Clinton and asks the Devil if he can be moved to a different room. The Devil thinks for a moment, and says, "Actually, a few vacancies have come up. I'll show them to you and you can pick one".

In the first room, there's a guy tied to a slowly-rotating wagon wheel, naked, with his legs spread apart. As the wheel rotates, one of the devil's minions whacks the guy's balls with a cricket bat as they come into range, eliciting a sickening groan.

"My god, that looks hellish!" cries Blair. "Well, it's supposed to be," says the Devil. "Let's have a look at the next one."

As they approach the second room, there's a smell of cooking, and Blair thinks, "Ah, the kitchen. Everybody has to eat, I suppose. I could be a kitchen hand..." The Devil opens the door and reveals a medium-sized cage suspended from the ceiling. The cage has a steel floor, and under the floor is a large roaring fire which is making the steel floor of the cage nearly red hot. In the cage is Saddam Hussein, gagged, barefoot and constantly jumping up and down on alternate feet trying to relieve the excruciating pain.

"No, no, I couldn't handle that," says Tony as he looks aghast at his old adversary. "All right," replies the Devil, "let's look at room three..."

They head down the corridor, and into the next room. Inside the door, there's a ledge with some steps leading down into a pit. On the ledge, there are a couple of bored-looking guards. Down in the pit, there are several people standing around chest deep in raw sewage, drinking cups of tea and chatting quietly amongst themselves.

Tony Blair thinks to himself, "Well, it stinks, but it's not nearly as bad as the others." The Devil looks at him expectantly. "Okay, this looks fine. I'll stay here." says Blair. "Excellent!" replies the Devil, "Enjoy!" A guard gestures to Blair that he make his way down the steps.

Just as Tony wades, chest deep, into the stinking mire, a guard calls out, "Okay everybody, tea break's over - back to doing hand-stands!"

eSully

Gassage

What's got 3 legs and a c*nt? Drumstool.....

Gassage

Went to a night club the other night, strict dress code.

No tie in my car, so I used my jump leads and tied them around my collar in a Windsor knot,

Bouncer stopped me and enquired what I thought I was doing so i explained I'd no tie and was using my jump leads and that I'd be really grateful if he'd let me in?

"Ok mate,' he said. "I'll let you in....but don't start anything....."

Chalky

Gassage;1079391" said:

Went to a night club the other night, strict dress code.



No tie in my car, so I used my jump leads and tied them around my collar in a Windsor knot,



Bouncer stopped me and enquired what I thought I was doing so i explained I'd no tie and was using my jump leads and that I'd be really grateful if he'd let me in?



"Ok mate,' he said. "I'll let you in....but don't start anything....."

You have no shame )

axisus