Friday humour

Hootsmon

FX_Munkee

Son - I was given the Leslie Nielsen Award at school today.

Me - What's that then?

Son - It's a large building full of kids, but that's not important right now.

Kittyfrisk

HAL9000

Customer in Indian restaurant: My saag aloo is cold.

Waiter: You could try the tarka dhal sir, it's a little 'otter.

relic245

I really thought my new girlfriend was the one.

Then one day when she was out I looked through her underwear drawer.

I found a nurses outfit, a policewoman's uniform and a French maids outfit.

I thought, well if she can't hold down a fucking job then she's clearly not for me.

Kittyfrisk

HAL9000 said:

Customer in Indian restaurant: My saag aloo is cold.

Waiter: You could try the tarka dhal sir, it's a little 'otter.

Bloody hell, a 1927 Tarka reboot?
You Sir, are well read, fair play to you 

HAL9000

John Travolta has just been released from quarantine after a suspected corona virus infection - turns out it was only Saturday night fever. Fans can rest assured he’ll be staying alive.

axisus

HAL9000

^ I remember going to see the band Placebo - to be honest I couldn’t tell them apart from The Cure...

the_jaffa

I used to be in a band called The Prevention. We were better than The Cure

NelsonP

I nearly joined a band call 'Funk in our souls'.

Glad I didn't  They turned out to be a bunch of cun7s.

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

rawk100

I saw a job advertised as a Fanny Waxers Assistant. Job includes removing ladies knickers, preparing fanny for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.
When i asked at the job centre they said i had to go to Cornwall.
I said "why, is that where the job is"?
They said "no, thats where the back of the fucking queue is"!

Kittyfrisk

One for our times 

Hootsmon

snakemanStoo

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

(nabbed from twitter)

axisus

proggy

I told my doctor I can't stop singing Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin songs.

He said I could have that new croonervirus.

Hootsmon