Friday humour

boogieman

I went down to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today.

I walked up to the main desk to sign in and the lady pulled out a form to fill out.

She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, 'A folding bottle.'

She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'

'A fottle.'

'What else do you have there?'

'A folding carton.'

'OK, what do you call it?'

'A farton.'

She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds a bit crude.'

I was so upset by her comment I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket...

merlin

I used to work in the Patent Office funnily enough. It was my job to asses whether inventions/drawing/items brought in were suitable for patenting. 

One day a little old guy walked into my office. He pulled out of his pocket a small snuff box and opened it proudly. It contained a fine white powder.
I asked "What does it do?".
"Well", he said with a twinkle in his eye, "you sprinkle just a small pinch on a woman's vagina and it makes it taste like oranges". 

Sadly, I thought he'd come to the wrong place and I rejected his patent. He left the office a bit dejected. 

Three months later, he was back. 

I said, "OK, what have you got to show me this time?".
He pulled another small snuff box out of his pocket and opened it proudly. It contained a fine black powder.
"OK, I said, "what does this marvel do?".

"Well", he said with the same cheeky twinkle in his eye, "you sprinkle this on oranges". 

axisus

I'm such a lazy bastard. I only read long texty ones if they get a lot of LOLs. 

sammysaber

sammysaber

axisus

rogd

ne day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
If you don't forward this you have no sense of humour.

TheMarlin

axisus

sammysaber

axisus

merlin

underdog

breakstuff

/\ wanted to give you a lol @underdog but thought a wiz was more appropriate.

axisus

breakstuff said:

/\ wanted to give you a lol @underdog but thought a wiz was more appropriate.

I think it's a given that any Wiz for that one is a WizLOL

Gandalph

Blueingreen

(Apologies if this is too well known, but it's new to me.)

Moses goes up Mt Sinai to talk to God and agree the rules by which his people are to live. 

He descends and folk naturally cluster round eager to know the outcome.  He says to them, well I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

And they say, tell us the good news.

He says well I managed to negotiate the number of commandments down from 15 to 10.  That's 5 rules you won't need to obey.  So they cheer, and say well done, Moses, but what is the bad news?

And Moses says: sorry, but adultery's still in.

TheMarlin

sammysaber

maltingsaudio

sammysaber said:

Shouldn’t that be 4pedals and a Les Paul?