Friday humour

ronnyb

A mate of mine is addicted to brake fluid but he says he can stop anytime he wants.

A girl at my local vegan club says she knows me from somewhere, but I've never met herbivore. 

banjaxed

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Just joined so I thought it would be good to do a light hearted first post.

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

^ Ronnie Orbit

TheMarlin

A clown held the door open for me the other day. 

It was a nice jester.

rocktron

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

 "Born as a virgin, Lived as a virgin, Died as a virgin."

 Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the old lady had said. The men went to engrave it on the headstone, but they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

 They simply engraved: "Returned Unopened."

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

AlexC

I used to have a Chinese girlfriend. One very sexy lady. Anyway, we were getting it on in bed one time and I said to her "How about a 69?" She stopped what she was doing and looked horrified. She replied "If you think I'm cooking for you at this time of night..."

AlexC

Hear the one about the dyslexic Muslim? He went on a pilgrimage to the Mull Of Kintyre to praise Macca.

Fretwired

Fretwired

axisus

I took the shell off of my racing snail in an attempt to make it faster, but if anything it became more sluggish.

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Fretwired

quarky

AlexC said:

I used to have a Chinese girlfriend. One very sexy lady. Anyway, we were getting it on in bed one time and I said to her "How about a 69?" She stopped what she was doing and looked horrified. She replied "If you think I'm cooking for you at this time of night..."

LOL. I had a thing for Chinese girls. And 69's. And Chinese food. And you got them all in one joke

Zoolooter

Don't know if this has been posted before. Someone just sent it to me, brings back memories of being stupid with ya mates. Made me laugh.

Fretwired

EricTheWeary

  

Emp_Fab

Zoolooter said:

Don't know if this has been posted before. Someone just sent it to me, brings back memories of being stupid with ya mates. Made me laugh.

That's pretty cruel actually.  Giving animals human drugs so they lose control over their bowels for juvenile amusement purposes.  Laxatives can be dangerous to humans if the dose isn't right.  God only knows what happened to those birds afterwards.