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Very descriptive...
You don't have to live with your mate but you may end up doing if not careful. Husband + Wife = Wife + Husband even original family comes second. Tell her you messed up about letting her know of the situation and discuss but warn of knee jerk reactions - he should be the one to make a decision of what to do. If there is family then warn that sometimes (I hate it but . . .) better to fix the issue and keep family together so stay silent? Doesn't always work, I've seen some marriages repaired or the infidelity just re-occurs until they split eventually.
Good luck on that one, not the first and it ain't gonna be the last!
and this.
be clear with him that you have loyalties to both parties in this, and while he has made a decision for himself to rearrange his loyalties differently between his wife and new partner, he doesn't get to dictate/oblige that others divide their loyalites to align with his choices.
so say you won't lie to his wife for him, and that if there is anything he doesn't want her to know about his new life that she may ask you about, he should keep it to himself. kind of a disclosure statement.
you can still be there for him. you obviously don't think much of his decision (none of us know him so can't judge) but if he's your best friend of long standing that means something re trying to help him through this.
you trivialise his decision as 'doing another bird a few counties away' which is probably your immediate anger and frustration colouring your thinking and phrasing. as underdog says (quote above) this could have been years in the making and is hurting him as much as her.
like a storm, what has happened has happened, so now it's about picking up the pieces and securing what remains to minimise ongoing harm.
the children will need a lot of support and close supervision. they may not have the maturity and self-awareness to be able to express their feelings about what is going on, but they will obviously be deeply affected. so watch their behaviour for significant changes. becoming withdrawn, aggressive, etc.
adults get to choose what they do and where they go, children are always hostage to a situation created by those adults. it can make them feel helpless, very angry and very sad. so watch and love.
The other woman is his first love of some 25 years ago who broke his heart (apparently) just with he'd been honest with his wife from the start about and not hidden it claiming he just "didn't love her her anymore" I guess because he's scared of the consequences of using adultery as a reason for divorce on how that affects his access to his kids
It took me a long time to forgive my Dad, although I suddenly had a lot of freedom once my folks were engaged in their relationship dramas, but he did a lot of damage to the family, more my brother and my mum than myself.
In hindsight it was the right thing to do- Mum and Dad were terrible for one another and Dad just celebrated his 28th wedding anniversary with his current wife, who is really lovely and good for my Dad.
My Mum has never really recovered though.
Dad did the right thing in terms of finances- I think it took him a long time to financially recover from the divorce.
Personally I would not be lying for him but I also wouldn't be trying to judge the guy either.
He is unlikely to have done this on a whim.
Studio: https://www.voltperoctave.com
Music: https://www.euclideancircuits.com
Me: https://www.jamesrichmond.com
My advice would be to tell your friend that 'if you can lie for him, you can lie to him', and you value your friendship with him too much to ever do that. Ask him to tell his wife the truth. If she is as you describe she won't use the kids as pawns as that would be damaging to them.
After your conversation with him, tell your wife the truth and ask her to keep it to herself until he tells his wife.
Then buy a new guitar to cheer yourself up..
Studio: https://www.voltperoctave.com
Music: https://www.euclideancircuits.com
Me: https://www.jamesrichmond.com
Mates are great but in a tough situation I would much rather have my wife with me than my mates (unless it was a fight, big Jon is proper handy in a scrap!)
in an ideal world, his making a commitment of love to his wife to stay with her to raise their children together, would come with a burning of bridges to past relationships and a locking away somewhere safe of feelings for others, to be able to fully commit the best of his emotions and energies on that most important relationship.
but life is stone bridges and drawers without locks, and temptation is the devil constantly whispering in our ear.
family law is a nightmare (that famous quote "the law is a bottomless pit"!) but the fundamental principle is that his commitment to his children never changes, even if his commitment to his wife does. having brought those children into the world, he is as responsible as she is (combined they are absolutely responsible) for their welfare for life.
if he is any sort of decent person at all, he will understand that commitment, and while things will be tough between him and his partner from now on, he should keep the childrens' wellbeing front and centre as he moves on. they are dependent on him in a way he is not dependent on them.
one more thing i would say is i mentioned watch the children carefully for behaviour changes, that also applies to their mother. behaviour in herself and how she is coping with the day to day.
i'm the eldest of six children and when my mum and dad split when i was 12ish my mum got hugely depressed. we were in emergency accomodation living out of carrier bags forever, washing up piled up, laundry forgotten about.
as the eldest i had to take on a lot but luckily she had friends who let us go to stay with them for long weekends to give her a break, letting her use their machine (laundrette with six kids to launder meant a whole afternoon in the laundrette otherwise), giving her lifts shopping. little things count big at these times.
so beyond making sure she's ok in herself, practical help can mean a lot. she shouldn't struggle.
People can do as they wish, but they can't impel me to do likewise.
Lone wolfing has it's upsides.
Yes, loyalty to friends is important, but the truth is more so. That doesn't mean you have to go blabbing it around to everyone you meet, but if asked...
Have you explained the crappy situation he's put you in for the sake of his happiness? And perhaps the fact that if there's a divorce in the offing then everything will come out anyway, so there's no point being shady about it now?
With the caveat that I obviously don't know the guy, it's fairly likely a fact that the only reason he's trying to keep it on the down-low is that he feels guilty. He's already skipped out on his wife for the sake of his feelings, so IMO putting yourself in a hole by pandering to his feelings even more is a fool's errand.
Everything else is actually immaterial to a point. Neither you or your wife need to "get in the gossip" and share all. I doubt either of you actually know 100% what is going on and when it comes to break up and divorce, speculation, gossip and half facts are just not needed by anyone - except the lawyers who love that shit.
I hate discussing other people's relationships with my wife and point blank refuse. If I'm told something in confidence then in most cases she doesn't need to know. In a case like this, I'd be telling my wife, this is tough, he's bound to tell me some details, I'm just not going to share them, please don't ask me. Lets both push them towards a split that works best for the kids.
I know my wife would respect my position though (and in fact I know she keeps the confidence of several of her friends in this way) and wouldn't try to push for more information.
In other relationships that would be a disaster so probably best for you to decide.
Studio: https://www.voltperoctave.com
Music: https://www.euclideancircuits.com
Me: https://www.jamesrichmond.com
How good a mate is he as you don't seem to know what he is up to or why, the state of his marriage, or even if he has moved in with someone else? (Unless you are not telling us everything, in which case I feel betrayed. No, must not get drawn into this or take it personally...)
I don't see the problem really. You need your wife and you also need your mates. If you want to keep your mate don't drop him in the shit without warning him. He should be big enough to take the consequences of his actions. You can let him know this when you have the "what the fuck are you doing and the smaller issue of do you know this has consequences for me?" Coversation. This also gives you the opener with your wife, "I don't know what is happening but I will ask him and then let you know first."
My point is, look at it from your point of view, not your wife's, not his wife's, not his.
Any trust i had with them went and they are no longer friends.
As already stated your first priority is your wife and you really do not want to be caught not being 100% truthful with her as it will come back to bite you on the ass.
. . . so she's single ?