Nightmare best mate situation occuring ...

octatonic

Blueingreen said:

A scenario I've seem in real life more than once.

snip

I'd tell your wife though.  Secrets are not good in a marriage. If she chooses to pass it on that's her choice.  As a female friend she's much less likely to be blamed, although she still could be.

I agree with much of what you’ve said but in most cases if you tell the wife then you are telling the friend's wife you.

Travisthedog

No, he left his missis and 4 months later he sideswiped me with the news of this other woman. I think he's told a fee other folks including his parents. But I'm pretty sure nothing was happening while he was at home ......

I chatted with Mrs T this  morning and since she's been admant he's got another woman right from the start (!), I said "if he tells me I'd have to tell you as I don't want to lie" (even though I already have while I've been getting my head round it all) - she said "I don't want to know". I said would you tell his wife to which she said no that's not my job - Mrs T is good like that. So my plan is to have a beer with mate on Friday when he gets back and tell him that I'm not prepared to keep his secrets so in future please don't tell me any and that if I'm asked I will tell Mrs T as I don't want his tissue of lies affecting my own relationship

57Deluxe

any pics so we can make a valued assessment?

munckee

Travisthedog said:

No, he left his missis and 4 months later he sideswiped me with the news of this other woman. I think he's told a fee other folks including his parents. But I'm pretty sure nothing was happening while he was at home ......

I chatted with Mrs T this  morning and since she's been admant he's got another woman right from the start (!), I said "if he tells me I'd have to tell you as I don't want to lie" (even though I already have while I've been getting my head round it all) - she said "I don't want to know". I said would you tell his wife to which she said no that's not my job - Mrs T is good like that. So my plan is to have a beer with mate on Friday when he gets back and tell him that I'm not prepared to keep his secrets so in future please don't tell me any and that if I'm asked I will tell Mrs T as I don't want his tissue of lies affecting my own relationship

You might want to keep it to yourself about how you were talking about his missus though : )

MrBump

It sucks when friends piss about and mess up a nice comfortable dynamic.

Seven years ago, we found out that good mate #1 (friend from university, some 20 years ago) was shagging his secretary (cliche) behind his wife's (good mate #2, also a friend from university) back.

Two kids involved.

She was distraught.  

Massively changed the group dynamic; as a group, we'd all had kids at the same time, regularly met up despite living all over the country.  The kids have grown up knowing each other.

All bollocked up now.  

I get what he did, and in his defence he's settled down with the "other woman", and they have a lovely son together now.  And friend #2 has moved on, and ultimately its doing her good.  But I do resent him in a way (unfairly), for messing up the group.

JAYJO

Say nothing. Seriously suffer in silence it is what it is. His decision.his kids,His wife,His Life,Your best mate.
stay out of it.  Be a best mate but dont be a mug. 
Tell him you dont want to know what hes up to as its too soon. He will understand 100%. If hes your best mate then i am assuming he is a decent bloke. The situation will be killing him inside . The guilt alone will have him drop 2 dress sizes (every cloud). He may have fell out of love with his wife but i doubt he has stopped loving his kids. 
What if his new/old Girlfriend has a change of heart and dumps him (too much baggage) its early days. 
He may need you more than you think. Better make up the spare bed! Unless you blabbed too much to the Mrs and she wont have him in the house. Then what. Would you see him on the street ? it can and does happen. Things may get a lot worse for both of them.
           

Garthy

Travisthedog said:

No, he left his missis and 4 months later he sideswiped me with the news of this other woman. I think he's told a fee other folks including his parents. But I'm pretty sure nothing was happening while he was at home ......

I chatted with Mrs T this  morning and since she's been admant he's got another woman right from the start (!), I said "if he tells me I'd have to tell you as I don't want to lie" (even though I already have while I've been getting my head round it all) - she said "I don't want to know". I said would you tell his wife to which she said no that's not my job - Mrs T is good like that. So my plan is to have a beer with mate on Friday when he gets back and tell him that I'm not prepared to keep his secrets so in future please don't tell me any and that if I'm asked I will tell Mrs T as I don't want his tissue of lies affecting my own relationship

If you tell your wife anything juicy you’re throwing her under the bus. 

DefaultM

This happened to me. When I found out I didn't go tell them, but when they directly asked I told the truth.
I never heard from my friend again but wasn't particularly bothered.

Garthy

Travisthedog said:

No, he left his missis and 4 months later he sideswiped me with the news of this other woman. I think he's told a fee other folks including his parents. But I'm pretty sure nothing was happening while he was at home ......

I chatted with Mrs T this  morning and since she's been admant he's got another woman right from the start (!), I said "if he tells me I'd have to tell you as I don't want to lie" (even though I already have while I've been getting my head round it all) - she said "I don't want to know". I said would you tell his wife to which she said no that's not my job - Mrs T is good like that. So my plan is to have a beer with mate on Friday when he gets back and tell him that I'm not prepared to keep his secrets so in future please don't tell me any and that if I'm asked I will tell Mrs T as I don't want his tissue of lies affecting my own relationship

If you tell your wife anything juicy you’re throwing her under the bus. 

octatonic

Threesome with the wife and the wife's friend is the only answer.
Can I get an Amen?

Bridgehouse

octatonic said:

Threesome with the wife and the wife's friend is the only answer.
Can I get an Amen?

Eh? Men...

beed84

Listen, advise, but don’t interfere or get involved. Lay out how you feel about the situation and stick to it, explaining that it’s for him to deal with it and that you want nothing else to do with it. Love is a funny thing. There’s nothing worse than being embroiled in the mess of someone else’s relationship. I’ve been there and I didn’t enjoy in the least.

MrBump

octatonic said:

Threesome with the wife and the wife's friend is the only answer.
Can I get an Amen?

We should have a button for that.

Nikc

MrBump said:

octatonic said:

Threesome with the wife and the wife's friend is the only answer.
Can I get an Amen?

We should have a button for that.

Both righteous shouts

To the op all I can say is I don't have secrets from my wife or her from me - everyone who knows us knows thats how it is, I trust her totally. I also don't go round judging others, mainly as I've fecked up enough of my own shit at times.

Saying that this is a very awkward situation and I wish you wisdom in negotiating a path through it all. 

Winny_Pooh

At least 80% of you here who claim to not keep things from your wives have definitely lied about buying guitars.

Nikc

Winny_Pooh said:

At least 80% of you here who claim to not keep things from your wives have definitely lied about buying guitars.

Not me

prowla

People do lose feelings for each other and it's not up to others to tell them what they should or shouldn't do.

The only advice I can offer is to make it clear that you are friends with both and you won't lie for either.

boogieman

prowla said:

People do lose feelings for each other and it's not up to others to tell them what they should or shouldn't do.

The only advice I can offer is to make it clear that you are friends with both and you won't lie for either.

I think this is the best advice. Nobody knows the dynamic of the mate’s marriage except him... his wife could be sweet and lovely on the surface but complete hell to live with. The important thing is not to lie to your own wife because I’m sure she’d feel betrayed if she found out. 

Garthy

boogieman said:

prowla said:

People do lose feelings for each other and it's not up to others to tell them what they should or shouldn't do.

The only advice I can offer is to make it clear that you are friends with both and you won't lie for either.

I think this is the best advice. Nobody knows the dynamic of the mate’s marriage except him... his wife could be sweet and lovely on the surface but complete hell to live with. The important thing is not to lie to your own wife because I’m sure she’d feel betrayed if she found out. 

I agree with your first point and completely disagree with your second:

Don't take sides, you've a 50% chance of backing the wrong horse (I've done this before) and if they get back together you lose two friends not one (done this too). Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors and the truth may not reveal itself for many years (our wrong horse).

I cannot fathom though why so many people insist on telling Mrs T every detail, you'd be cutting her legs off to save your own conscience. As it stands Mrs A can ask Mrs T "do you know if Mr A is shagging that woman?" and Mrs T currently has the option of saying "I don't know" or "MrT hasn't said". She's got wriggle room. If you tell her the gory details her options are limited to either lying to MrsA or telling MrsA the brutal truth, why the utter fuck would any of you put your dear wife in that position? Are we not meant to protect those we love?

Would I lie to my wife if I was the OP? In a fucking heartbeat.

Snags

There's a world of difference between not talking about it, and actively lying. It's easy enough to say "We ain't discussing this so neither of us end up in a no-win situation" and it's all sorted at home. Actively lying/deceiving your missus is likely to import someone else's aggro into your own home down the line.