We have recently had a sudden and unexpected death in the family and this weekend I will need to tell my daughter about this.
My daughter's mother and i are long since divorced, both remarried etc and I have my daughter on alternative weekends. The person who has died is my (new) mother in law's l husband who my daughter sees very much as a grandfather.
My daughter is 8 years old and can be a sensitive wee soul. This will be her first experience with death and I know she will be very upset.
I will be picking her up Friday evening and bringing her home. The plan we have so far is to make sure she's in, settled and done all the usual things she does when she gets in - gives the dog a cuddle, goes to check her bedroom. Then my wife and I then sit her down and explain what has happened.
Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this?
I know it's going to cause her pain but i also know it has to be tackled and truthfully. I don't want to involve my daughter's mother (for reasons i won't go into here ) so sitting down as mum and dad and explaining it to her isn't going to be an option.
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Other than that, just be clear, honest with direct answers. Their concentration may wander. There's loads of good advice from Barnados online, etc, so take a look there as a starting point.
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But, I seem to remember when my grandad died suddenly, when I was aged 10, my parents just told me, quite factually but obviously gently - that he'd had a brain haemorrhage, which had happened very quickly and he wouldn't have felt any pain. They explained what a haemorrhage was.
It was obviously done gently and they gave me space to ask questions, and I cried. But I already knew about death, and I already knew people didn't last forever, that old people were more likely to die. So being young and losing someone I actually knew for the first time wasn't any more traumatic than death and loss is anyway, I think.
I know 8 isn't very old, But my instinct is that you just need to tell her what's happened, and that it's normal to feel sad. The reality is, she lives in a world where everyone's going to die, one day.
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I want to keep quite factual with her and I know she'll ask some questions so I will just answer them as honestly as i can.
I had to tell my wife - that was awful
Another thing, be prepared for random unannounced questions for a long time after. Just casual random questions, which are just curiosity doing its thing.
Sorry for your loss though, never a nice time for any family
Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
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In fact, I'm going to copy-paste a little story here from the notes I made for my Dad's eulogy. Pretty much sums it up for me:
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do you have any keepsakes from the deceased that will mean something to your daughter? my dad died when my daughter was 4 (she's nearly 8 now) and she still has a cuddly toy he gave her, she says "my grandad who died was nice and he gave me this". it's a positive memory for her. photos likewise.
also it's probably not her very first experience of death (indirectly) - there's every chance friends have had to deal with this, perhaps re adults or even pets.
wishing you well.
We had a spate of family deaths when my twins were a little younger (they’re 8 now). All the above seems to cover most things. Neither my wife or I are religious but we did say that the person had gone up to the stars. Right or wrong, who knows, but it did seem to help as they realised they weren’t here anymore and had gone somewhere else. No idea where this came from but they seemed to take comfort in it. I also feel it was right to show emotion as it was an emotional time. I remember being amazed at how strong we were when telling the boys this, I thought I’d loose my shit somewhere along the line. Even though they’re 8 I still don’t feel like a dad sometimes if that makes sense.
Our dog was attached and killed last year and that was much harder to exsplain. The human deaths seem to have gone by reasonably easily.
Keep strong and be honest and it should go ok.
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I've been talking to my twins all about death since the month they were born, as we lost their mother the day after they came into the world.
Death has always been part of their lives. And so something we've always spoken of. And I've always tried to answer their questions honestly.
Offset "(Emp) - a little heavy on the hyperbole."