Business language.

Snap

I promise what I am about to write is true.

The following phrase was said by someone senior in a meeting, and it has gone on to become the lesson in avoiding coming out with nonsense:

In response to a suggestion by someone, the reply was:

"thanks for that, but let's put it in the ideas fridge and snack on it later"

I am still stunned by that nonsense now. Ridiculous.

Snap

Sporky said:

I'm surprised that no-one has yet discussed leveraging the synergies inherent in the paradigm. Perhaps myself and yourself could zeitgeist it over some big beers.

big beers with bloody good guys buddy

Snap

thanks for reaching out

we need a deep dive

drains up analysis

get to the end zone


it really winds me up no end, I honestl struggle to have patience for it. Thing is, these berks take themselves so seriously that they get dead stroppy and nonplussed when you ask them to speak clearly, or say "sorry, I don't know what you mean you deep diving prat"

oh yeah, when asking when can you reply - when can you revert? Oh do fk off please

Dopesick

Snap said:

I promise what I am about to write is true.

The following phrase was said by someone senior in a meeting, and it has gone on to become the lesson in avoiding coming out with nonsense:

In response to a suggestion by someone, the reply was:

"thanks for that, but let's put it in the ideas fridge and snack on it later"

I am still stunned by that nonsense now. Ridiculous.

Reminds me of that Stewart guy from The Thick Of It.

In fact this whole thread does.

stickyfiddle

"drains up analysis" WTF even is that? 

I don't mind "end zone". It's just a sports metaphor. 

Snap

stickyfiddle said:

"drains up analysis" WTF even is that? 

I don't mind "end zone". It's just a sports metaphor. 

amateur!

Drains up? a twatty term for (still twatty) root and branch. I prefer the word "thorough".

End zone? What's wrong wiht saying something like, lets get it completed?? Or should I say, "ah yes, we need to get this goal mouth"???

Underneath all this is the fact that these planks use this terminology (consciously or not, still inexscuable) to sound more informed and capable, or to conform to some sort of Nonsense Club.

DLM

*DLM waves forlornly from the coalface at @TheOtherDennis and Mrs. @historyisjunk* I'm worried. This just reads like my normal day-to-day work for the last decade and a half or so:

thecolourbox said:

We keep a list of these when encountered in day to day work. My favourites are:

The margin of the financing is around 350 basis points over three-month LIBOR, reflecting the granularity of the underlying UK property portfolio and macro concerns driving receding liquidity in financing markets since the end of the summer.

What’s been your biggest challenge or accomplishment in your career?            Rationalising the Client A portfolio after divesting of the AA and BB divisions and then shrinking the footprint and cost base by the introduction of new ways of working and more realistic occupation densities.

Passionate about marrying the dollars-and-cents business case with the human aspect of change management.

I try to make what I write intelligible, while still operating a fairly strict "shit in, shit out" policy for the benefit of my own sanity and because "the customer is always right", and they generally genuinely seem to *want* this nonsense. I work in an exceedingly conservative environment. So much so, some gents come to work every day in a bow tie. My workplace tried to get in on this craze: https://fuckupnights.com/ Convincing advocates of said craze that using such bad words in corporate communications might be a bad idea was like trying to get blood out of a stone.

Teetonetal

The joys of working in a German speaking office is that when this type of shit crosses my desk I get to send it back and ask for a plain English translation often with my own succinct offering attached.

Happily my company doesn't really go for this beyond upper management.

DLM

Nunogilberto said:

a high level gap analysis

I've done one of those at work before. My office was on the top floor of about four or five. Across the courtyard, one storey down, was the terrace of some female-only student digs. The young ladies used to sunbathe up there in fine weather, reclining on loungers. Some were clearly aiming to maximise the extent of their tans IYSWIM.

I'd have said it was about 30m away.

I don't miss that office much, I got far too hot in the summer under its poorly insulated flat roof. Building's long demolished now.

monquixote

stickyfiddle said:

"drains up analysis" WTF even is that? 

I don't mind "end zone". It's just a sports metaphor. 

I had a manager who used to use this term for what software developers would normally call a project retrospective.

It was essentially pulling up the drains to look at the shit you needed to fix. In other words get it shipped and then look at the things you need to fix or learn for next time.

I don't use it but it didn't bother me.

Sporky

TheOtherDennis said:

Sporky said:

... downright bad grammar and make the person saying it sound like a right thicko, whereas they seem to think it's a longer word so will make them sound smarter.

That's my problem with so much of that stuff. "I've been tasked with..." No, you've been asked to. But because the other one has more letters and thus sounds longer, as well as being ungrammatical (by turning a noun into a verb), it supposedly makes them sound smarter.

It doesn't, it really doesn't.

Indeed.

I think what I find particularly trying about it is that my job is mostly made up of two things; doing really complicated technical stuff, and explaining that to people who don't understand it. To then have someone else deliberately use the wrong words to try to sound clever undermines so much careful effort!

The huge advantage of simple, clear speech and writing is that it's much less likely to be misunderstood, surely?

dano

In a meeting today I got in "we should take it offline" then added a cheeky ".. to get our ducks in a row". People were groaning !

thecolourbox

dano said:

In a meeting today I got in "we should take it offline" then added a cheeky ".. to get our ducks in a row". People were groaning !

Would be particularly amusing if you actually worked for a bricks and mortar duck selling shop

Rocker

The Minister wrote 'Round Objects' beside the document text.

Sir Humphrey wondered who Round was and to what did he Object.

Reverend

dano said:

In a meeting today I got in "we should take it offline" then added a cheeky ".. to get our ducks in a row". People were groaning !

Ok do @dano has risen to the occasion. Who will take up the baton?

RandallFlagg

Sporky said:

TheOtherDennis said:

Sporky said:

... downright bad grammar and make the person saying it sound like a right thicko, whereas they seem to think it's a longer word so will make them sound smarter.

That's my problem with so much of that stuff. "I've been tasked with..." No, you've been asked to. But because the other one has more letters and thus sounds longer, as well as being ungrammatical (by turning a noun into a verb), it supposedly makes them sound smarter.

It doesn't, it really doesn't.

Indeed.

I think what I find particularly trying about it is that my job is mostly made up of two things; doing really complicated technical stuff, and explaining that to people who don't understand it. To then have someone else deliberately use the wrong words to try to sound clever undermines so much careful effort!

The huge advantage of simple, clear speech and writing is that it's much less likely to be misunderstood, surely?

I'm not sure I get what you mean?

cj73

historyisjunk said:

Right, I’m off to find my pipe and slippers and my copy of Finnegan’s Wake

That apostrophe troubles me greatly 

Hopefully I haven't missed a hugely clever literary joke 

TheOtherDennis

Sporky said:

TheOtherDennis said:

Sporky said:

... downright bad grammar and make the person saying it sound like a right thicko, whereas they seem to think it's a longer word so will make them sound smarter.

That's my problem with so much of that stuff. "I've been tasked with..." No, you've been asked to. But because the other one has more letters and thus sounds longer, as well as being ungrammatical (by turning a noun into a verb), it supposedly makes them sound smarter.

It doesn't, it really doesn't.

Indeed.

I think what I find particularly trying about it is that my job is mostly made up of two things; doing really complicated technical stuff, and explaining that to people who don't understand it. To then have someone else deliberately use the wrong words to try to sound clever undermines so much careful effort!

The huge advantage of simple, clear speech and writing is that it's much less likely to be misunderstood, surely?

So you're turning technical stuff into plain English, only to see your plain English translated into gobbledegook?

Ouch.

Ravenous

  Rocker said:

The Minister wrote 'Round Objects' beside the document text.

Sir Humphrey wondered who Round was and to what did he Object.

The other piece of code they use to get rid of paperwork is to "CGSM it."

CGSM = Consignment of Geriatric Shoemakers = Load of old Cobblers

(So many examples of great bafflement speak in that programme.  Poetry, in fact.)

Sporky

TheOtherDennis said:

Sporky said:

TheOtherDennis said:

Sporky said:

... downright bad grammar and make the person saying it sound like a right thicko, whereas they seem to think it's a longer word so will make them sound smarter.

That's my problem with so much of that stuff. "I've been tasked with..." No, you've been asked to. But because the other one has more letters and thus sounds longer, as well as being ungrammatical (by turning a noun into a verb), it supposedly makes them sound smarter.

It doesn't, it really doesn't.

Indeed.

I think what I find particularly trying about it is that my job is mostly made up of two things; doing really complicated technical stuff, and explaining that to people who don't understand it. To then have someone else deliberately use the wrong words to try to sound clever undermines so much careful effort!

The huge advantage of simple, clear speech and writing is that it's much less likely to be misunderstood, surely?

So you're turning technical stuff into plain English, only to see your plain English translated into gobbledegook?

Ouch.

Pretty much. Mostly they just wrap the fairly plain English in a load of sales bullhonky, so you end up with something like "Ourselves and yourselves went on a deep dive and proactively leveraged synergies to install a new processor to correctly route audio to the different speakers. The end result will be clear, highly intelligible speech across the space which will enable a paradigm shift of the zeitgesiting task-deliverables."

My bit in plain, theirs in italics. I exaggerate slightly but it's not far off at times.