Mental health struggles

hobbio

So, I used to be a frequent user of the forum. I'd be logged in constantly and post multiple times a day. I drifted away for a while mainly due to former members but came back.

Then my life got absolutely blown apart. As a result I developed some pretty significant mental health issues, 7 admissions to psychiatric hospital in 2019, only one in 2020 and I'm absolutely engaged with mental health services. 

I also fell back into addiction, leading to a drug induced heart attack in July 2019. This is ongoing, but I've been clean and sober now basically since December last. 

Now I'm back living in a studio flat in Southampton, where I moved back to from where I was, unable to work and waiting for my divorce to be finalised. Had my driving licence revoked too.

I didn't even think about guitars basically, most of mine were in storage alongside my Helix and I ended up selling off a lot of gear.

I'm starting to get back into playing now, and I've started using the forum for more than the classifieds again. My MH is shaky and complicated, but playing seems to help apart from when I don't pick one up for a few days and feel irrationally guilty and sad about it. I've also bought a few instruments recently but I'm trying to slow that down a bit so I don't end up obsessing over GAS and filling my flat up. It's already pretty full of the gear I have and my snakes need a fair bit of space too lol.

Am I the only one here with diagnosed MH problems who is also comfortable about discussing them? There's such a stigma even these days.

skunkwerx

There be a fair few of us. 

I’ve been on paxil the past decade. I’m ok these days, but had a fair amount of CBT for anxiety/depression. Still on the paxil though, and no doubt issues are still there, just my quality of life improved due to earning more cash in a better job, so thats helped far more than the drugs ever have. 

Now I’m just lonely as fuck, and forever salty. Lol. 

hobbio

I'm waiting for my DBT. Talking therapy is the way forward for me.

I'm on hardly any meds atm, I've been on all sorts these last few years but I've got it down. I'm really restricted with what I can have too, because of my heart attack and  addiction issues. I can't have anything mood altering.

WiresDreamDisasters

Hey Hobbio, I hope you're alright mate. I'm happy to chat. Have had CBT experience too, and lately have been much better than the previous 5 years. Even my brother-in-law said the other day that everyone has noticed a changed in me the last year.

hobbio

I get what you mean about other people noticing changes. I've got some amazing friends and they can spot when I'm going manic or starting to spiral or mood cycle waaay before I realise it's happening.

Have you noticed a difference in yourself? My symptoms have changed a fair bit over the last couple of years, but it's a sideways change rather than an improvement. At least I'm not rapid mood cycling any more, that gets old fast and it's impossible to cover up. At one point I was cycling every 30 seconds to 5 minutes and I just couldn't cope. 

danishbacon

Congratulations on having stayed sober and for opening up. There is indeed a stigma but I get the sense that (at least around here) there is a fair amount of supportive energy going around. If you figure out a repeatable methodology for easing up on the GAS, do share  

hobbio

Yeah, I've got several guitars and basses I haven't shown the forum yet and one more that's paid for but on back order

WiresDreamDisasters

hobbio said:

I get what you mean about other people noticing changes. I've got some amazing friends and they can spot when I'm going manic or starting to spiral or mood cycle waaay before I realise it's happening.

Have you noticed a difference in yourself? My symptoms have changed a fair bit over the last couple of years, but it's a sideways change rather than an improvement. At least I'm not rapid mood cycling any more, that gets old fast and it's impossible to cover up. At one point I was cycling every 30 seconds to 5 minutes and I just couldn't cope. 

I had days where I couldn't get out of bed; or rather, couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I'd sit there wasting away.

I have noticed a lot of differences in the last year, compared to before. I had a big chaotic company change that I had no control over, I'd just become a dad and had a ton of extra responsibility on me, and the band saw massive changes, all roughly at the same time. I found it hard to adjust and I just slipped further and further into depression.

2015 to 2019 were pretty hellish years for me. Even people on here have commented about how different I seem.

I would always encourage someone to get some treatment and to make life changes. Small ones at first, ones that you can stick to And then work on the big stuff.

Really the key for me was to stop hating myself.

hobbio

I'm constantly told by my professionals that I'm way too hard on myself but I can't stop right now. I don't really see it myself either which basically makes change impossible atm.

LastMantra

Yeah I've been struggling for a long time. Things seem to be improving but slowly and some days I feel like I'm back at square one.

My meds help in some ways but I'm not sure the benefits outweigh the side effects by much.

hobbio

I don't think meds are the long term solution tbh. Mine are really reduced and I don't feel like they do much, but saying that I literally don't sleep without them. Are you under your local mental health services?

LastMantra

hobbio said:

I don't think meds are the long term solution tbh. Mine are really reduced and I don't feel like they do much, but saying that I literally don't sleep without them. Are you under your local mental health services?

Yeah sleeping is one of the big benefits. 
I'm under the addictions team and have just started seeing a psychiatrist. I just got some forms today to fill in for assessment. Not looked at them yet going to do it tomorrow. 

hobbio

I'm engaged with local addiction and recovery services too, although it's been difficult during lockdown with everything moving online. It also limits the meds I can have. No benzos, pregabs, gabbas or opiates. I've had just as much trouble with my pharma addictions than I have with class a, maybe even more.

LastMantra

I'm the same, I take methadone. 

Edit; prescription. 

hobbio

I'm not on any scripts right now. Completely clean and sober atm. Fell off in Feb on prescription zopiclone but thats all since last December.

LastMantra

I'm coming down slowly but I came off altogether and just relapsed so not planning on coming right off atm.
Zopiclone is a horrible withdrawal. So easy to buy too online.

hobbio

Yeah. Diazepam was the worst thing I've ever come off hands down, benzos are horrible. Worse than coming off the light for me

Emp_Fab

WiresDreamDisasters said:

Really the key for me was to stop hating myself.

I do that for him now.



  

(that was a joke btw)

skunkwerx

I’ve tried twice to come off Paxil, because I really dont think I ever needed it. 

But I get the worst symptoms start no matter how slowly I wean off. I have no choice but to go back to full dose. 

Spoke to several different GP’s about it, and they all ignorantly read their text ‘Its non addictive therefore you CANT suffer withdrawal symptoms’.. 

I said, but I do.. er, how can you not listen and help? Thats your job.. 

I even showed them the community online complaining about the drug and the ‘withdrawal symptoms’, who are also being ignored.. 

They ignorantly dismiss it all, say its not addictive, you cant get withdrawal symptoms, then tell me to wean off it again..
Not sure why weaning is needed if its not addictive? But ok..

The drug has a half life of like
12 hours or something.. yet the GP’s recommend doing 1 day on, 1 day off.. which completely fucks the system up because my body sees a Paxil load one day, then the next it goes cold turkey, then the next it gets loaded again..  

I requested an actual Psychiatrist look at me, someone who understands the drug.  But no, apparently you have to be assessed via an intervention team to get to see an actual professional for mental health now.. 

And because I am not a danger to myself or others, I am deemed not worthy of being seen by anyone but a general
practitioner or a ‘community therapist’ whose chemical knowledge is nil.. they cant prescribe at all even. 

So I resorted to having to buy this shit every other month for the rest of my life. Great. Even at my reviews every so often they ask, I tell
them, it gets ignored.. I give up, say ok. Like yeah I’m fine on it, I was also fine off it, I was just young and hurt by my friends, and lonely and hadnt got much going for me. I was just feeling sorry for myself really. I really dont think I ever needed this drug. 

I can’t even try being off it though, as its just horrendous coming off it. Even if I miss just one dose I’ll soon know as I have the most vivid and always odd or disturbing or weird dreams. 

I also get these really weird sensations throughout my body. But, fuck it. Maybe in future when I’ve got the energy I’ll try taking the authorities to task again.

LastMantra

I feel for you mate. I've been through opiate withdrawal, benzos, alcohol and nothing scares me like my mirtazapine. Last time I reduced I didn't sleep at all for nearly two weeks. Literally thought I was going insane, nearly topped myself!

Axe_meister

I feel for you. I'm sort of on the other side of things with a two kids and a wife who suffer mental health issues in the main because of being on the Austic spectrum. 
Whilst drug/alcohol is not an issue, retail therapy is something they do suffer from (it's just another addiction).
It does get me down at times work keeps me sane, bit dealing with emotional breakdowns and/or massive rages (which can be very distructive) is fucking hard at times. Lockdown has not helped as social interaction is a such a good distraction for them and myself.