Children terrify me

tbm

strumjoughlamps said:

you absolutely 100% owe it to your wife to have a talk so you can sort things out and still have time to find the happiness you both want elsewhere.... its long overdue IMO.

This.

FX_Munkee

The thing is, you're never going to be "ready" for kids.
If you think you are then your preconceptions are almost certainly wrong.
They screw up your comfortable life, totally.
They cost quite a bit to maintain.
Free time? I think I remember that.
They're loud and disruptive (this may be exclusive to the boy variety ones. I have no experience of the other ones).
Am I winning you over yet?

But sometimes they.... hmmm difficult to explain.

Sometimes they make me feel like it's OK that they've ruined my comfortable life and made my house a tip and trashed my garden?

Also, you get to go on adventure playgrounds again.

Adam_MD

strumjoughlamps;427164" said:

yeah I wasn't one for wanting kids, then we had 1, then 2 then 7 years after that a 3rd which I really didn't want that one hence the 7 year gap... but they are blooming awesome and I would not change any time I have spent with them for anything else, its been absolutely amazin yes some ups and downs and frustrations and lifestyle changes..

you absolutely 100% owe it to your wife to have a talk so you can sort things out and still have time to find the happiness you both want elsewhere.... its long overdue IMO.

We will not be splitting up period. If it came down to having an army of kids or losing her? Then sign me up soldier.

I wanted to see if anyone else was in the same mindset as me.

Thanks to most of you who replied @holnrew out of order dude.

monquixote

Some wisdom in this thread

A couple of things I'd add. When women want kids it rarely goes away and usually gets stronger. So don't think any agreement you make not to have them will stand. You may be looking at a choice of have kids or get divorced.

I like lots of others didn't want kids to be honest I did it because I know a few people who waited until they were ready and then couldn't have them having hit the age 35 drop in fertility. I don't like other people's kids and I don't find babies cute. I'm a selfish person and I was terrified when I knew it was too late to change my mind.
Two years in with the second one just born and I can say hand on heart it's the best thing I've ever done. My daughter is my best buddy and we have so much fun.

Ultimately you have to take a gamble because there is no way of knowing what is like until you've done it.

holnrew

I wish I was in a position to have kids. I'd be an ace dad.

holnrew

Adam_MD said:

@holnrew out of order dude.

It was a joke, I'm sorry it offended.

tbm

Adam_MD said:

We will not be splitting up period. If it came down to having an army of kids or losing her? Then sign me up soldier.

This line alone tells me you and herself are going to be alright, regardless of what happens.

Fretwired

Bogwhoppit said:

Fretwired said:

 Mine have left home so it's not forever ...

Unless things change, If your children enter the work place on the average wage, the chances are they will be with you for life - along with their kids. So many of my friends have children approaching their 30s who are unable to afford privately rented accommodation, let alone save for a deposit and secure a mortgage.

The extended family is not always harmonious.

You're a bundle of joy. Both my kids left home in their early 20s with a shove [and some financial help] from me. A healthy dose of realism is what young people often need. They both rented small boxy places but have progressed from crap jobs to decent well paid careers. You youngest lives with his girlfriend in a one bedroom flat in Hemel Hempstead and the eldest rents a house in Ascot - he has a lodger to make the bills work. Leaving home gave them freedom and helped them grow up and neither has any intention of returning home. Having to pay rent and buy food motivated them to get out bed in the morning and better themselves.

randomhandclaps

It is really tricky.  Has the subject of kids ever come up before?  Have you told her before that you don't want kids? It can become a big issue because we tend to have a habit of answer "Yeah maybe someday." to a lot of future plans in relationship thinking we'll tackle that later then it comes back to bite us on the arse.

To be completely fair to yourself I think you ultimately have to ask yourself the question of "Do I just not want kids or do I just not want kids because I'm scared of things changing"?  There's no issue with either personal opinion or feeling but at least when you do have 'the talk' you are clear of your reasoning.  

richardhomer

I became a dad at 38 - my (now ex) wife put me under considerable pressure. I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to - but I was committed to the relationship - and realised that to deprive my wife of being a mother was an very unfair sacrifice to expect her to make. And in reality, one which would probably result in us splitting - and probably very acrimoniously.

From the moment our son was born, I was completely smitten with him.

Seeing him grow from being a helpless little thing I could cradle on one arm to a twelve year old who is above my shoulder has been profound. His wit, intelligence and personality are a joy to behold.

My wife suffered very severe mental health problems when he was 18 months old - which put him in considerable danger at the time. Though she made a (seemingly full) recovery, unfortunately things recurred more severely when he was five, which resulted in a very traumatic time for us all.

He lives with me now and we have a great relationship.

If someone had told me of the heart-ache I would go through, I would never have signed up for it; as things have turned out, it has been the making of me.

Never growing up is a male trait. I finally feel I've done it....

tbm

@richardhomer that's quite an experience you've had. Delighted you and your son are thriving and I hope your ex got the help she needed.

Adam_MD

I have been very clear since we met 9 years ago that I've never wanted kids. Her brother and his other half had a son about 18 months ago and that was when things started to change.

We arrived back from visiting her family about 2 months ago and she told me she wants a child.

Like @monquixote I'm quite a selfish person who likes having his wife all to himself, I like our lifestyle, being able to travel whenever we want etc.

I guess I'm nervous about having to be responsible for them and having a particularly shit relationship with my own parents doesn't help either.

Thanks for the input chaps it genuinely has helped.

richardhomer

tbm;427253" said:

@richardhomer that's quite an experience you've had. Delighted you and your son are thriving and I hope your ex got the help she needed.

Thank you.

She's doing okay and has dealt with her situation with great bravery.

Her illness has been life-changing for all three of us. I often mourn for her former self, if that makes sense?

She sees plenty of our son - the irony of not initially wanting to deprive her of motherhood is not lost on me.

I wish things had been different for us - but hopefully we've made the best out of the situation that we could.

randomhandclaps

Adam_MD said:

I have been very clear since we met 9 years ago that I've never wanted kids.

I think this is fair enough and I think you have a right to feel a bit pressured.  Unfortunately as Monq says once women say "I want kids" it does become an issue that is unlikely to go away quietly.

Adam_MD said:

I guess I'm nervous about having to be responsible for them and having a particularly shit relationship with my own parents doesn't help either. 

I was in exactly the same boat.  It sounds predictable and cheesy but you are not your parents and your possible kid wouldn't be you.  If anything having seen the shitter side of parenting you'll have far stronger ideas of what not to do.  We all fumble our way a bit through parenthood but having a crap example set for you by you own parents is a great motivation to always strive to be a better parent than you are.

Strat_a_tat_tat

richardhomer said:

hopefully we've made the best out of the situation that we could.

That's all any of us can do in life.

Glad it's working out well... after all you and your family have been through.

chillidoggy

My wife and I were married for 7 years before we had our son. During that time we'd been proper party aninmals, and pissheads. Mrs C decided she wanted a kid, as she wasn't getting any younger, and I half-heartedly agreed. When she fell preggers the following month, I really struggled to deal with the fact that my life was never going to be the same again.

Over the years, my opinion swung round completely, and I can honestly say it was the best thing to have happened to us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS: Some things never changed, though: we are still pissheads.

VimFuego

the thing to remember about children is that they are as scared of you as you are of them. Just back away slowly and make no sudden moves.

Hang on, that's dogs not kids so probably not much use then, as you were.

randomhandclaps

chillidoggy said:

PS: Some things never changed, though: we are still pissheads.

I think the difference is when you don't have kids you are stress free to drink whenever, however when you have kids you need to drink to free yourself from the stress.

JAYJO

Adam_MD said:

I have been very clear since we met 9 years ago that I've never wanted kids. Her brother and his other half had a son about 18 months ago and that was when things started to change.

We arrived back from visiting her family about 2 months ago and she told me she wants a child.

Like @monquixote I'm quite a selfish person who likes having his wife all to himself, I like our lifestyle, being able to travel whenever we want etc.

I guess I'm nervous about having to be responsible for them and having a particularly shit relationship with my own parents doesn't help either.

Thanks for the input chaps it genuinely has helped.

imo.  Your open and honest.You can have it all. A child/children/kids will not end your happiness. Your not on your own and eventually there could be more than two of you making your house a happy home!. If its what your wife really wants then i would take it as a compliment she wants her children with you. Now go ride Bare back you big stud muffin .

randomhandclaps

Also just as a point, both @Adam_MD and @monquixote said that they are selfish and that concerned them with relation to kids.  IMO you are far better parent for being self aware enough to realise that you can be selfish and need to perhaps try harder to do things for others (which as Monq knows is so much easier for your kids), than being a parent who thinks you are already giving everything whilst living in denial that we can all be selfish at times.