Friday humour

Hootsmon

Exhibitionists toilet

axisus

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

axisus

crunchman

Michael Atherton wanted to go to space, but Nasser said no.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Two sodium atoms talking. One says 'I think I've lost an electron', the other says 'Are you sure?', the first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa.

[Lifted from the Cricinfo rain delay time filling]

TheOtherDennis

Hootsmon said:

Am I missing something? That should be the other way round, surely? "How many grammar nazis does it take too change a lightbulb? To."

HAL9000

How to console someone who’s upset at being called a grammar nazi?

There, their, they’re 

HAL9000

A traffic warden is hit by a car and is blue-lighted to hospital where he is pronounced dead. Just as the doctor is writing the death certificate, a nurse notices that the traffic warden has a weak pulse.

'Sorry' says the doctor 'I've started writing it now'.

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

EricTheWeary

• Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
• "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
• "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
• "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
• "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
• "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
• "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
• "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
• "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

 "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets" - Olaf Falafel. 

[ the jokes in competition at this year’s Fringe, The Falafel one won] 

axisus

HAL9000

I'm a tippler, a dipso, a drunkard, and a sot. I've been invited to join Alcoholics Synonymous

Fretwired

Fretwired

Hootsmon

axisus

DesVegas

https://i.imgur.com/1d3vGkk.jpg