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  • FretwiredFretwired Frets: 24601
    Jokes about ducks are not all they're quacked up to be.

    I had Cornflakes for breakfast again this morning.
    Times are tough at the moment being a chiropodist.

    Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
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  • JAYJOJAYJO Frets: 1533
    One for my blue friends across the park who we well and truly stuffed on tues.
    A man was found in the Mersey this morning by police!
    He was wearing an Everton shirt a mini skirt stockings and suspenders 
    and had a dildo shoved up his arse.
    Police removed the Everton shirt to avoid further embarrassment to the mans family.
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  • ESBlondeESBlonde Frets: 3595
    Two peanuts were walking down the road, one was a salted.

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  • What's the difference between a dog and a fox?









    ... 10 pints
    "Working" software has only unobserved bugs. (Parroty Error: Pieces of Nine! Pieces of Nine!)
    Seriously: If you value it, take/fetch it yourself
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  • bertiebertie Frets: 13572
    edited January 2014
    two buckets of puke walking past a pub, one turned to the other and said

    "I was bought up in there"


    two parrots sat on a perch,  one turned to the other and said

    "can you smell fish"
    just because you don't, doesn't mean you can't
     just because you do, doesn't mean you should.
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  • breakstuffbreakstuff Frets: 10342
    my wife called me today.
    She said,"Three of the girls in the office,have just received some flowers for Valentie's day.They are absolutely gorgeous"
    I said,"That's probably why then"
    Laugh, love, live, learn. 
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  • FretwiredFretwired Frets: 24601
    I wish I could find a job where I get paid to sleep.
    That would be my dream job

    Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
    2reaction image LOL 1reaction image Wow! 0reaction image Wisdom
  • FretwiredFretwired Frets: 24601
    I don't have a very taxing job.
    I'm an accountant for Starbucks.

    Remember, it's easier to criticise than create!
    3reaction image LOL 0reaction image Wow! 1reaction image Wisdom
  • why do women each have a reproductive tract?











    ... so that men will talk to them
    "Working" software has only unobserved bugs. (Parroty Error: Pieces of Nine! Pieces of Nine!)
    Seriously: If you value it, take/fetch it yourself
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  • breakstuffbreakstuff Frets: 10342
    Superman's off on his holidays to Majorca but unfortunately has one too many In the airport bar.

    On boarding the plane the flight attendant says "sorry sir you're much too drunk to fly" on which he replys

    "Durrr that's why I need to get on the plane you fool"
    Laugh, love, live, learn. 
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  • HAL9000HAL9000 Frets: 9752
    edited August 2020
    How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two - one to fit the bulb and one to hold the penis er, I mean ladder
    I play guitar because I enjoy it rather than because I’m any good at it
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  • Two cannibals eating Bozo the clown.

    One asks the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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  • I've just seen Kevin Webster round the corner working on a 14 year old escort.

    It was funnier when he was in the press.
    2reaction image LOL 0reaction image Wow! 0reaction image Wisdom
  • I've just seen Kevin Webster round the corner working on a 14 year old escort.

    It was funnier when he was in the press.
    Or even before he was found not guilty.  That poor man. :(
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  • I finally got my car out of reverse: That's the way forward!
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  • johnnyurqjohnnyurq Frets: 1368
    The difference between Pink and Purple?

    The grip.
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  • beed84beed84 Frets: 2420
    Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair,

    Simple Simon said to the pie man, "What have you got there?"

    The pie man said to Simple Simon, "They're pies you daft bastard."
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  • BucketBucket Frets: 7751
    Two goldfish in a tank.

    One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
    - "I'm going to write a very stiff letter. A VERY stiff letter. On cardboard."
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  • equalsqlequalsql Frets: 6194
    Did you hear about the fire at the soap factory?

    The walls fell in with a thickening sud.
    (pronounced: equal-sequel)   "I suffered for my art.. now it's your turn"
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  • breakstuffbreakstuff Frets: 10342
    My missus said "I bet you can't go a whole day without making a joke about my period. "I said "OK, you're on".
    Laugh, love, live, learn. 
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