Friday humour

Fretwired

Jokes about ducks are not all they're quacked up to be.

I had Cornflakes for breakfast again this morning.
Times are tough at the moment being a chiropodist.

JAYJO

One for my blue friends across the park who we well and truly stuffed on tues.

A man was found in the Mersey this morning by police!

He was wearing an Everton shirt a mini skirt stockings and suspenders 

and had a dildo shoved up his arse.

Police removed the Everton shirt to avoid further embarrassment to the mans family.

ESBlonde

Two peanuts were walking down the road, one was a salted.

Phil_aka_Pip

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?









... 10 pints

bertie

two buckets of puke walking past a pub, one turned to the other and said

"I was bought up in there"

two parrots sat on a perch,  one turned to the other and said

"can you smell fish"

breakstuff

my wife called me today.
She said,"Three of the girls in the office,have just received some flowers for Valentie's day.They are absolutely gorgeous"
I said,"That's probably why then"

Fretwired

I wish I could find a job where I get paid to sleep.
That would be my dream job

Fretwired

I don't have a very taxing job.
I'm an accountant for Starbucks.

Phil_aka_Pip

why do women each have a reproductive tract?











... so that men will talk to them

breakstuff

Superman's off on his holidays to Majorca but unfortunately has one too many In the airport bar.

On boarding the plane the flight attendant says "sorry sir you're much too drunk to fly" on which he replys

"Durrr that's why I need to get on the plane you fool"

HAL9000

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - one to fit the bulb and one to hold the penis er, I mean ladder

Islandape

Two cannibals eating Bozo the clown.

One asks the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Panama_Jack666

I've just seen Kevin Webster round the corner working on a 14 year old escort.

It was funnier when he was in the press.

Handsome_Chris

Panama_Jack666 said:

I've just seen Kevin Webster round the corner working on a 14 year old escort.

It was funnier when he was in the press.

Or even before he was found not guilty.  That poor man.

Handsome_Chris

I finally got my car out of reverse: That's the way forward!

johnnyurq

The difference between Pink and Purple?

The grip.

beed84

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair,

Simple Simon said to the pie man, "What have you got there?"

The pie man said to Simple Simon, "They're pies you daft bastard."

Bucket

Two goldfish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"

equalsql

Did you hear about the fire at the soap factory?

The walls fell in with a thickening sud.

breakstuff

My missus said "I bet you can't go a whole day without making a joke about my period. "I said "OK, you're on".