Friday humour

Hootsmon

rocktron

http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n219/rocktron1948/Joke3-1.jpg

Fretwired

Fretwired

Hootsmon

Oi, who are yeh lookin' at?

Fretwired

BigBearKris

Egypt.

A mummy was discovered covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe its a Pharoah Rocher.

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Nanny Mac Lee

HAL9000

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/09/24/article-2430345-1839603700000578-160_638x419.jpg

HAL9000

https://mkontras.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/school-spelled-wrong.jpg

GSPBASSES

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, 

she spotted an attractive man standing across the room and 

he was all alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, 

“Hello, my name is Carmen.”

He replied, “That’s a beautiful name, 

Is it your family name?”

She answered, 

“No, as a matter of fact, I gave it to myself, 

It represents the two things that I enjoy most, cars and men. 

Therefore, I chose the name Carmen.”

She then asked, “What’s your name?”

He answered, . . . . . . . “Bob Titsengolf” . 

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

Hootsmon

rocktron

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat knock on their front door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it is 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed", says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on a stranger’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk", says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife, "he needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

. . . . . . . 

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . ..

…….and the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your kid's swing."

Alnico

^
#InStitches
:):)

Chalky

rocktron said:

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat knock on their front door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it is 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed", says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick up the kids from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on a stranger’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk", says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife, "he needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

. . . . . . . 

. . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . ..

…….and the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your kid's swing."

That gag is at least 30 years old!

Billy Connolly used this as his final gag on his show on a tour about 10 years ago. Saw him at Hammersmith. And before telling it, he asked the audience not to shout out the punchline (originally "Over here - on the swing" and the guy wasn't drunk).  Really sad to hear a great comedian past his best, admitting that he was using really old material...

DesVegas

https://i.imgur.com/UNZMwhD.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/aPuQym3.jpg

DesVegas

https://i.imgur.com/3jfihEk.jpg