Friday humour

EricTheWeary

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rocktron

http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n219/rocktron1948/Joke4-1.jpg

Garage Door. The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. 

His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' 

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. 
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
 
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door
was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'
 
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: 'Slim, I'm 97 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 
Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 
'Because she can still drive!'

 

Three old guys are out walking. 
First one said, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one said, 'No, it's Thursday!' 
Third one said, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

 

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?' 
' Twelve thirty..'

 

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

One more. . ...! 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 

Hootsmon

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BigMonka

BigMonka

jonnyburgo

We were poor growing up, 6 brothers and sisters sharing a bed top n tails. the youngest ones used to wet the bed  every night. Me mam would say what end of the bed do you want to sleep in? I'd say "the fucking shallow end".

Hootsmon

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quarky

https://i.redd.it/7m3n0q0981nz.gif

Hootsmon

rocktron

http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n219/rocktron1948/Joke8-1.jpg

LesbianWithAGun