Commitment to look after your old folk?

olafgarten

I think it mostly depends on the circumstances, I've still got a long time until my parents are old enough to have to be looked after, but my Grandmother isn't very well and stayed in our house while she had Chemo. She didn't want to as she likes to be independent, but my parents wouldn't take no for an answer. 

I think it comes down to whether my Parents are capable of looking after themselves. Considering how much they've done for me it is a small thing to take care of them. 

Sporky

HAL9000 said:

TTony said:

Sporky said:

or to be dumped on the moors with a bottle of brandy and a book.

Did she specify the book?

Probably a diary so that the finder will learn how her 'dreadful' offspring dumped her on the moors with nothing but a bottle of brandy and a book...

That's OK - I'm not buying her a book and a pencil!

Drew_TNBD said:

Myra Sporky.

Pah. Do you know how long it takes to dig a decent hole?

p90fool

My father has a much younger wife but my mother lives alone so it will be more of a concern, although HER mother is still absolutely fine living alone so it could be a while before I have to think about it.

The issue for me is that I live 80 miles away and have no intention of giving up my job or selling my house to move there, so there's a limit to what I can do anyway.

EricTheWeary

I don't think we've ever been asked but it's a thing we have fallen into with my in laws and my parents to at least some extent.  The division of labour between the siblings is the biggest issue, there's been a lot of lip biting otherwise there would have been major rows over the years. 

TheBlueWolf

My mum didn't ask as such but in her later years me and my brother helped her out as much as we could. It seemed like the decent thing to do.

I'd like to think my daughters would do the same.

Philly_Q

p90fool said:

My father has a much younger wife but my mother lives alone so it will be more of a concern, although HER mother is still absolutely fine living alone so it could be a while before I have to think about it.
 

@p90fool  Am I misunderstanding that, or is your grandmother still alive?  

That seems amazing to me, I think we're a similar age but all my grandparents died more than 30 years ago.  If they were still around they'd all be at least 110 years old.

guitarfishbay

EricTheWeary said:

The division of labour between the siblings is the biggest issue, there's been a lot of lip biting otherwise there would have been major rows over the years. 

I think this is very common. My g/f's gran is still alive and mostly independent at 92 and we visit her regularly (she goes every Sunday I go with her every 2nd Sunday). Her aunt and uncle rarely make any effort, in fact the aunt lives about 45 mins drive away and works part time, all her kids are adults, still claims she has no time to visit.

Neither of them visited her for at least a month after their sister (my g/f's mum) died this year, didn't attend the funeral, and neither came for her 92nd birthday last week. They both expect the will to be split between them. My g/f hasn't asked to be written into the will in any way, what will be will be (no pun intended), though she will be acting as LPA since her mum died. I just find it sad, she's no trouble and quite funny company.

axisus

My parents wouldn't ask. They brought me, my bro and sis up the right way. They wouldn't need to ask, it is a given that we will be there for them. 

quarky

axisus said:

My parents wouldn't ask. They brought me, my bro and sis up the right way. They wouldn't need to ask, it is a given that we will be there for them. 

That is a matter of opinion though isn't it? My parents brought me up so that my family (so my wife, and my kids) come first, before anyone and anything else. Is that the wrong way in your opinion? Once you have left home, grown up, and have your own family, should your parents still be your first priority?

p90fool

Philly_Q said:

p90fool said:

My father has a much younger wife but my mother lives alone so it will be more of a concern, although HER mother is still absolutely fine living alone so it could be a while before I have to think about it.
 

@p90fool  Am I misunderstanding that, or is your grandmother still alive?  

That seems amazing to me, I think we're a similar age but all my grandparents died more than 30 years ago.  If they were still around they'd all be at least 110 years old.

Yes, I'm 52, my mother is 77 and her mother is 97 I think, and very alert with most of her own teeth. She's slowed down a bit, but is still totally independent.

My other grandmother died in 1973 from cancer and I never met either of my grandfathers, they both died from the long-term effects of injuries sustained in WW2.

It's funny, I mostly work with people under 25 and most of them think I'm joking when I say I'm visiting my grandmother on the weekend.

hotpot

I'm been looking after my parents both in their 90's for a few years now, I'm there every day now to see to them and do the shopping etc, they have lots & lots of docs/hospital appointments, they're both bad on their feet & cant walk very far, I spend hours sitting in various waiting rooms every week.

quarky

hotpot said:

I'm been looking after my parents both in their 90's for a few years now, I'm there every day now to see to them and do the shopping etc, they have lots & lots of docs/hospital appointments, they're both bad on their feet & cant walk very far, I spend hours sitting in various waiting rooms every week.

Thanks. See I couldn't commit to that. I have a family, I spend four hours a day just travelling to/from work. Which is why I asked the question I guess. I have complete respect for those who do that, but should I commit to doing that at the expense of my family? My gut says "no", and I haven't read anything which makes me think I am being too unreasonable, although obviously some people on here are in the position to do that..

hotpot

quarky said:

hotpot said:

I'm been looking after my parents both in their 90's for a few years now, I'm there every day now to see to them and do the shopping etc, they have lots & lots of docs/hospital appointments, they're both bad on their feet & cant walk very far, I spend hours sitting in various waiting rooms every week.

Thanks. See I couldn't commit to that. I have a family, I spend four hours a day just travelling to/from work. Which is why I asked the question I guess. I have complete respect for those who do that, but should I commit to doing that at the expense of my family? My gut says "no", and I haven't read anything which makes me think I am being too unreasonable, although obviously some people on here are in the position to do that..

You've got to look after your own family first, It's not fair to try & look after one at the detriment of the other. I have brothers & sisters who are in the same boat as you  but I live 500 yards from my parents so I was the only option.

CabbageCat

I daresay it'll become an issue at some point but I've spent the last 40 years fostering a portrait of dismissive entitlement to the point where both parents would rather lie bleeding on the kitchen floor than ask me for grudging help.

I have three caring siblings who will pick up the slack so the folks will probably be alright.

scrumhalf

From experience I'll just say that whatever plans you or your parents may have there is a better than average chance that they'll be meaningless.

Have a plan, but have plans B, C and D as well.

Fretwired

You may find it creeps up on you .. bot my folks are old and infirm. My wife and I do quite a bit and we're finding we have to do  more, but I was surprised at how much help is out there.

guitarfishbay

scrumhalf said:

From experience I'll just say that whatever plans you or your parents may have there is a better than average chance that they'll be meaningless.

Have a plan, but have plans B, C and D as well.

Wise words.

At the end of the day there's no law saying anyone has to do anything. It comes down to personal experiences, choices, and ultimately circumstance (luck).

axisus

quarky said:

axisus said:

My parents wouldn't ask. They brought me, my bro and sis up the right way. They wouldn't need to ask, it is a given that we will be there for them. 

That is a matter of opinion though isn't it? My parents brought me up so that my family (so my wife, and my kids) come first, before anyone and anything else. Is that the wrong way in your opinion? Once you have left home, grown up, and have your own family, should your parents still be your first priority?

It's about looking after family, be they your parents, your bro or sis, their kids, my kids. It's not about prioritising any one over any other it's about family looking out for each other. 

rlw

I am the old folk.....................

CabbageCat

quarky said:

axisus said:

My parents wouldn't ask. They brought me, my bro and sis up the right way. They wouldn't need to ask, it is a given that we will be there for them. 

That is a matter of opinion though isn't it? My parents brought me up so that my family (so my wife, and my kids) come first, before anyone and anything else. Is that the wrong way in your opinion? Once you have left home, grown up, and have your own family, should your parents still be your first priority?

Everyone thinks they've be brought up the right way.  (OK...nearly everyone)

Some might certainly say that parents raising their kids as future unpaid care home assistants is selfish and barbaric. Others might not.