Memorable tales..

Emp_Fab

I'm sure we've all got a story or two that we wheel out after a few pints whilst the Mrs rolls her eyes and says 'Oh, not this one again' because she's heard it a thousand times before.  I thought it might make entertaining reading if we had a thread of these.
I'll start with one off the top of my head (I'm sure I can think of a better one once I've woken up !).

Back in the 90's, I worked for a computer maintenance company that would happily take anyone's money for anything, irrespective of whether we had the equipment or skill to repair it.  One day I was given a call to fix a laptop - on a ship in port !  All I had was the ship's name and the Captain's name (whose laptop it was).  The port was the Texaco oil refinery in Milford Haven.

When I got to the security post, I had to hand over everything that was capable of creating a spark or heat - so, cigarette lighter, car lighter, etc, then given directions to the ship.  It was then that I discovered it was a 300,000 tonne supertanker.  This thing was so vast I had to drive my car along the pier it was moored to, before walking down the gangway to the deck.  Looking down, I felt queasy - a massive drop with the cold choppy water breaking against the gargantuan hull, seemingly miles below me.  I was helped down onto the deck by a couple of far-eastern crew members.  The whole ship was painted dayglo orange and festooned with signs warning that anyone carrying so much as a slightly-hot water bottle would be shot - such was the fear of a source of combustion.  As I walked to the superstructure I became acutely aware that I was walking on a massive bomb - the air was thick with fumes.  Once inside, I was taken to the lift (yes, the lift!) and then to the Captain's quarters.

He handed me a Toshiba laptop and explained that it kept freezing - then stood there watching me.  I should add at this point that I'd never actually taken a laptop apart before at this point in my career and had absolutely no idea what I was doing !

With him watching my every move, I proceeded to dismantle his laptop into a thousand pieces.  It must have been so obvious to him that I hadn't done this before !  I distinctly remember reaching a point where, looking at the growing pile of parts on his desk, I realised that if I carried on, I wouldn't be able to remember how to reassemble it !  Now - it was in a thousand bits and I had no idea what to do next - so I resorted to pressing down on the (surface-mount !) chips with my thumb like you would with socketed devices.  Yes - it was that bad.  If it wasn't before, it was blatently obvious by now that I had no idea what I was doing and so he intervened with "You have brought the new motherboard with you, haven't you ?".    Me; "Err.... motherboard ? ... umm.... no."
Him; "You are from Toshiba right ?".  Me; "Err..... no...  I'm from a local company".  Him; "Oh for fuck's sake, my laptop is three months old and you're supposed to be fitting a new motherboard under warranty !!!" Me; "Oh." <slight squeaky fart>.

The two of us are now looking down in silence at his desk which is just covered with screws, clips, wiring harnesses, hinges, circuit boards etc, and I start the job I'd been dreading - reassembly.  After ten seconds he says "Leave it - I'll do it - I think you should go now".  I threw my tools in my case and legged it.  When I eventually got to a phone box (pre-mobile days), I rang my office and shouted abuse at them for fifteen minutes without pausing for breath.

thomasross20

Lol, brilliant!!!

Ravenous

I was sat noodling on my electric one morning before going off for lectures. (I was an engineering student, so YES we got up in mornings and went into lectures.)

I did a big lazy bend on my top E (.010 gauge) and it snapped - where it went into the tuning peg I think - and the end arced round in a little curve (I was still holding it down around the 5th fret or so) and hit the fingerboard.

The broken string end stuck into the maple fingerboard, somewhere around the 10th fret. I'd never seen anything like it before and just stared at it gobsmacked for a while. It was a bit stuck but came out easily with a little pair of pliers. Never seen anything like it since.

(These days a selfie would have been obligatory.)

skunkwerx

A few years ago I was celebrating my 23rd in my hometown of Romford (just outside east london in our go to club). 

3am came and we were all chucked out and so began walking home. Not too drunk but nicely tipsy. 

So I was walking down the main road home, 15 minutes from home in the dead of the night when a black civic pulled up just down the road. 

Being alternative looking, I'd been mugged or started on several times in the past around here so I was a bit nervous already.. 

As I drew closer I could see it was modified, lowered, blackened windows, even the fronts.. highly illegal.. the chav type of vehicle who generally liked to go out of their way to abuse 'grungers'. 

The passenger side window rolled down as I got near.. Here we go.. ugh. 

So lighting a tab and sticking my chest out to try and look as menacing as a dude with a fringe can look, the driver called over.. 

I looked, and saw a beautiful woman in the passenger seat, her head down and looking away from the window..

The driver, a male, maybe late 20's, was an Asian dude, and the woman looked (from what I could see) to be oriental. Besides the point but its what I took in at the time as I presumed I'd be recounting everything to the police later that morning.

The driver called over and asked I'f I knew any clubs around.

I was like er, ok.. said the bulk of em was in Romford, but theres a few going into London..

He said, 'are they friendly?'

I replied that most clubs around here are friendly if youre the 'lad' type up for a tear up at a minutes notice, and that I only went to the alternative clubs though so wouldnt really know. 

He goes 'oh ok, just, well my girl here has been getting stick y'kno, so we wanted a friendlier place' 

Girls still just looking down at the ground and to the inside of the car. Not saying a word. 

He went on to say 'yeah the other girls have been ripping into her' 
'saying shes got small breasts' 

At this point I was subtly trying to eye the back of the motor because I was expecting any minute for a bunch of dudes to jump out and stab me for 'talking about their bird'. 

But the back was empty.. 

So I said 'ah mate dont listen to people like that'. Trying to be nice but also wanting to break the convo off cos it had just gone weird. 

He goes, 'you wouldnt say theyre small though would you?' 

Wtf. I said 'nah man dont be silly'. 

He then said to the girl 'c'mon get them out, show him properly'. 

So the girl (never once looking anywhere but down and to the right) pulled her top down and out came 2 tits.. 

What. The. Fuck. 

He said 'yeah so theyre not exactly small right?'. 

I said 'nope, but hell who cares anyway man, haters gonna hate'

He said 'yeah man, here have a feel of em' as he grabbed one himself... 

Now at this stage I was certain 1 of 3 things would happen. 

Either I touch the breast and then he demands I pay him because obviously shes a prostitute and clearly not willing to be there..or I get stabbed because I had no cash on me..

2. Hes looking to 'do someone in' and wants a reason. Me touching his bird would be one. 

Or 3, they were looking for a threeway whether shes a prostitute or not. Again not my idea of fun. 

Either way I politely declined and my reason was 'ah man I've got a girl y'kno (i didnt), gotta stay honest to her' 

He was like 'ite man no worries, peace out' and drove off. 

I walked home with a raging boner and confused as fuck. 
The hell just happened. That was the first time I'd seen tits in the wild.. that didnt belong to someone who I was with.

Then I started realising how she never once said a word, never moved her head to look anywhere but away and down, and yet did everything the driver said without hesistation. 

I would have reported it to the police but in my shock and awe of seeing a pair of pristine boobs I forgot how dodgy it looked with the way she was acting. So I neither got the licence plate. 

I did wonder what I'd even say to them. 
'Uh, hi mate, a guy made a girl flash me.. it was 3am and in public. I swear it happened' 

It was truly bizarre.

thomasross20

Tits in the wild lol!!!

I remember being at a mate's house once and his girlfriend was a bit mental. I think she liked me. At one point she said she was feeling hot so she took her top and bra off and sat like that for the best part of 10 minutes! 

Ravenous

skunkwerx said:

So I neither got the licence plate. 

You didn't get their licence plate? You should have got their phone number!

Nikko

Some good stories on here.

Unfortunately, im going to turn this thread into a bit of a 'I had sex with...' type of thread...sorry.

I was 18 at the time, and me and a few mates had been in our local boozer one Friday night. Kicking out time, my mate Simon said we should go and have a drink round at his Aunties house (his 38 year old Auntie). None of us wanted to go home just yet, so all agreed, and off to Belindas house we trotted. You can see were this is going, right?

It was the first time id ever met her, nice looking woman, and right from the off, it was obvious she had a bit of a thing for younger blokes, and to be honest, I think she would have slept with which ever of us (apart from Simon Obvs) had shown her some attention. Not classy, granted, but I was an 18 year old horn monster.

Got to about 2am and we all left, except that I waited a little further down the path in the dark until my mates had got out of site. Knocked on her door, had the absolute night of my life (learnt a few things that night). I believe, over the course of the following 12 months, she had every other member of that group of friends

Ahh Belinda...

Ravenous

Nikko said:

Ahh Belinda...

Suddenly I'm ashamed of my boring story - I mean it wasn't even a G string I snapped.

Deadman

It was around 1993, I was at the mess dinner table with a bunch of RAF colleagues. We were all single and lived and worked together pretty much 24/7.

One of the guys (Will, a Welsh valleys lad) cut into his beef wellington and said "ey lads, look at this, it looks just like a shit". We looked and it did. I mean, it really did.

So, it obviously ended up at work that night. At tea break, one of the unsuspecting lads was held down, Will pulled down his pants and straddled this lad's chest and dropped the beef wellington onto him. The lad went absolutely insane. "You filthy animal! You're not human!" etc.etc. until he was told it was in fact a beef wellington and laughter ensued.

Anyway, the thing ended up in a big tub of Swarfega in the gents until next morning when one of the Corporals went to wash his hands and apparently went mental that "somebody had shit" in the Swarfega. He actually managed to scoop it out and present it to the boss ( a scary Flight Sergeant who you didn't mess with).

That night everyone was called in. Will was called and stood to attention in front of the Flight Sergeant along with a couple of the other lads. The wellington was perched neatly on his desk loosely wrapped in some blue towel.

Flight Sergeant (going mental): "Which disgusting waste of a life defecated in the Swarfega!?"

Will: "It's not defacation Flight, it's beef"

Flight Sergeant (turning purple now): "How dare you! How dare you joke about such a serious matter!!!!"

Will then picked up the wellington and bit into it.

The Flight Sergeant apparently shot up from his desk, clutching his mouth, running from the room in an attempt to stop the flow of vomit emerging from his lips.

Will was always in trouble. He was a bloody funny bloke though and never gave a shit about his career.

Guitar_Slinger

Lol, dirty bastard.

Fuengi

My good lady wife used to work for an airline that flew weekly to Saudi Arabia. She text me one morning as they were taxiing to say she had a very famous ex footballer and manager in her 1st class cabin, let's call him, er, 'Ryan Bobson'. 

I grew up in the 1980's and 'Ryan Bobson' was always the player I pretend to be in the playground. He could tackle, pass and score goals and was captain of Manchester United and England, and I wanted to grow up to be just like him.

So, after a few days down route she arrived home and told me all about the trip. Apparently, he was going on a football trip on behalf of United to meet & greet the Saudis. He made full use of the free bar on board and kept nipping into the galley to get another bottle of wine (white) and have a little chat with the Mrs.

At the end of the flight, he passed her a card and said "why don't you come and look me up at the Four Seasons?". She brushed him off politely. 

So, she's telling me this slightly embarrassed, and I'm looking at her wide eyed and grinning, and she's wondering why I'm so happy...

I told her: I grew up wanting to be that man, and for a night he wanted to be me! 

breakstuff

Nikko said:

Some good stories on here.

Unfortunately, im going to turn this thread into a bit of a 'I had sex with...' type of thread...sorry.

I was 18 at the time, and me and a few mates had been in our local boozer one Friday night. Kicking out time, my mate Simon said we should go and have a drink round at his Aunties house (his 38 year old Auntie). None of us wanted to go home just yet, so all agreed, and off to Belindas house we trotted. You can see were this is going, right?

It was the first time id ever met her, nice looking woman, and right from the off, it was obvious she had a bit of a thing for younger blokes, and to be honest, I think she would have slept with which ever of us (apart from Simon Obvs) had shown her some attention. Not classy, granted, but I was an 18 year old horn monster.

Got to about 2am and we all left, except that I waited a little further down the path in the dark until my mates had got out of site. Knocked on her door, had the absolute night of my life (learnt a few things that night). I believe, over the course of the following 12 months, she had every other member of that group of friends

Ahh Belinda...

Well,one night I was having a game of truth or dare with my wife,Belinda........

Dominic

Many years ago  aged late 20s ,I was out for a few drinks with 2 or 3 friends at a posh local pub where most people knew each other.
My friend ,Angus,a very large Rugby type but jovial,friendly and polite guy is stood next to me when an old aquaintence  that we had not seen for many years comes over for a chat.
 The place is very busy and full of couples and singles .......
Old colleague .." Hi Angus ,how are you mate, you look well, let me guess;still single and out on the pull ? "
Angus ..." Be nice but have you seen the state of some of 'em ? .....look at that Moose in a dress over there , right old slag , just there in the pink top "
 Colleague " Mate, that's my wife !"
Angus .." Ha,Ha ,ha .......yeah,right ;a blind man wouldn't marry a monster like that ......just look at it "
 Colleague " Come on ,mate ,that's not nice "
Angus " You're telling me it's not nice ........that's a pig in Knickers "
 Colleague " Don't talk about my wife like that  ! "
Angus " ha,ha,ha .....do you remember Barry Stoneham ?........he used to take her to those Pull a Pig parties for a laugh ;it was a dead cert to win .......I'll never forget the time he and Dave Stephens dared her to ( gross act ) etc etc "
"Look,don 't fucking talk about my wife like that !"
While Angus is still enjoying the banter somebody had overheard and was nodding furiously at me -the penny dropped 
I leant over and whispered to Angus that it really was his wife ....
His banter trailed into silence .........his face went so red .............it was far too late to pretend it was a joke ;he was a gentle giant but had he been smaller he would have long since been toes up !
Clears his throat in embarrassment ... " Mate , I'm so sorry ....it's too late to backtack ;I thought you were joking so I won't lie .................I used to be so in love with her and now it's just left me bitter,twisted and nasty ......You're such a lucky man ! "
 It was one of the best quick thinking saves ever but took me so much by surprise that i choked on my drink,gagged and sprayed the whole gobfull over the lucky husband........
I have never let him forget it 

starwarsnosebleed

Many years ago, i had a friend (Steve) that was a bit of a petty criminal. He used to travel around Britain, to all the coastal holiday spots etc...ripping off arcade machines.

On one occasion, he and an accomplice were driving when they ran out of petrol on a long stretch of road, before they got to the next petrol station, which was a couple of miles ahead.

Steve decided that he would wait in the car, and his mate, would go and walk to the petrol station with a jerry can.
So a long wait ensued.....so long in fact that Steve got very bored and decided to have a wank in the car, and jizzed into the nearest thing he could find.....his mates scruffy looking sweatshirt!

when his mate got back to the car Steve was eager to drive off, but his mate desperatley wanted a wee. So he goes behind some trees next to the car, and finds his favourite sweatshirt hanging from a branch covered in Steves spunk!

Nikko

...how would you even START to explain what happened

mikeyrob73

Many years ago when i was a younger man, i was out on the lash with some mates, we had been out the full day, lunch time session, followed by the footie, followed by more session. A rather nice slightly older lady was fluttering her eyelashes at me, so we started chatting at the bar, more drinking and then the line every young lad hopes for " do you wanna come back to mine for a drink" im in here i thought, yes yes i do, i was 24 she was 45 and gave me a night i shall not forget for a long time. A real eye opener. Anyways i had been drinking Whiskey and Guinness all day, and my stomach was not great, so after a having lots of fun with this lady we fall asleep. I wake up the next day and i have had, shall we say a very very wet fart. She is still crashed out, so very quietly i get up, sort myself out, quick shower, get dressed and ready to leave. She is still sleeping, so the only thing i can think to do to save my blushes as to roll her into the mess i have left and then quietly leave. So thats what i did. 


Roll forward 2 weeks later, im in the same pub, after the Footie again, and i look up and see my Aunty walk through the door with some of her friends, and this 45 year old lady is with them. Turns out she worked with my aunty :-). Cool as you like i walk over and say hi to my Aunty who then introduces me to her work mates. The poor girls face was beetroot.She came up to me at the bar later and apologised for what she had done and used the words " i think i must have had a tummy bug as that has never happened to me before" i  said its fine these things happen and trotted off to join my friends. 


i feel better for sharing this story 

Nikko

mikeyrob73 said:

Many years ago when i was a younger man, i was out on the lash with some mates, we had been out the full day, lunch time session, followed by the footie, followed by more session. A rather nice slightly older lady was fluttering her eyelashes at me, so we started chatting at the bar, more drinking and then the line every young lad hopes for " do you wanna come back to mine for a drink" im in here i thought, yes yes i do, i was 24 she was 45 and gave me a night i shall not forget for a long time. A real eye opener. Anyways i had been drinking Whiskey and Guinness all day, and my stomach was not great, so after a having lots of fun with this lady we fall asleep. I wake up the next day and i have had, shall we say a very very wet fart. She is still crashed out, so very quietly i get up, sort myself out, quick shower, get dressed and ready to leave. She is still sleeping, so the only thing i can think to do to save my blushes as to roll her into the mess i have left and then quietly leave. So thats what i did. 


Roll forward 2 weeks later, im in the same pub, after the Footie again, and i look up and see my Aunty walk through the door with some of her friends, and this 45 year old lady is with them. Turns out she worked with my aunty :-). Cool as you like i walk over and say hi to my Aunty who then introduces me to her work mates. The poor girls face was beetroot.She came up to me at the bar later and apologised for what she had done and used the words " i think i must have had a tummy bug as that has never happened to me before" i  said its fine these things happen and trotted off to join my friends. 


i feel better for sharing this story 

Im feeling the need for a 'Legend' button on the forum

mikeyrob73

i think that over 20 years have past and i live 400 miles away from where the incident took place, so its safe to share it now :-) if anyone knows Inverness then they will know that the Gellions is not the best pick up joint in the world so i feel blessed to have pulled at all. 

@nikko Cheers :-) 

breakstuff

mikeyrob73 said:

i think that over 20 years have past 

She'll probably be doing it regularly now then.

Emp_Fab

Many moons ago I found myself working at the same place as the wife of a mate of mine and my bandmate I was in a duo with.  She was a big girl - in most respects - over 6 foot and built like a prop forward.  One night, my bandmate and I were out and bumped into my mate in the pub.  After a couple of pints, my bandmate says to me "Here, Jim says his wife works with us, but I can't place her".  I tried to describe her to him using every possible means other than her physical appearance, beyond "quite tall", but he's not getting it - and worse - despite me kicking him under the table, won't let it drop.  He's like a dog with a bone and I'm trying my best to change the subject.  Eventually, when all other descriptive avenues have been exhausted (which department she works in, when we saw her last, who she works with, the colour of her hair etc etc) and he still won't let it go, I have to say "Well, don't say I didn't try....."  followed by "She's the one you call the Honey Monster".

(It's a reasonably accurate description actually!)

Jim turns to my bandmate, scowling, and says "Is that what you call my wife ???"

My bandmate just withered in his seat and spluttered a stream of disjointed apologies whilst glowing beetroot red.

Ravenous

mikeyrob73 said:

...and trotted off to join my friends. 

You just had to get "the trots" in didn't you!  +lol.