Memorable tales..

starwarsnosebleed

How did the guy realise he had 2 AA batteries up his bum?

was he talking a bit faster than usual?

freakboy1610

I'm sure I've told this one before but about 12 years ago my wife was leaving her works Xmas party which had been held at Ipswich Football Stadium in Portman Road which, at that time, was the heart of the local red light district. A middle aged, middle class looking man pulled up next to her in his family saloon, wound down the window and asked her how much. She was only about 25 at the time and fairly naive and so naturally assumed he was asking about the car park across the road. Having told him it was free after 10pm he got confused and promptly sped off, just before I arrived to take her home.

rsvmark

Repost but what the hell. True Ryder cup story.

Several years ago I was working at Dublin airport and we were helping to build several new piers on the existing terminal and a new Terminal 2. My opposite number ran (the existing) Terminal 1.

This was the year that the Ryder Cup was held at at the K club- 2006 iirc. The VIP team reported in to my opposite number and they had hired in a fleet of black BMW limos to collect the US team and ferry them over to the VIP suite.

well it was a lovely Dublin summers day, and you guessed it, it was fecking horizontal rain and absolutely slashing down. The USA charter plane came to a halt on the apron and rather than decanting via an airbridge, a mobile stair was positioned next to the plane, the door opened and the worlds golfing press got ready for the photo shoot of the team on the stair.

Sure enough the front door opened and out came the USA team dressed in plus fours and jackets....all in a heavy tweed. Not a brolly in sight. So they came out rather begrudgingly and tried to take a quick photo call and get out of the rain. 

The signal came to my oppo and he raised his Walkie talkie. 

'Hold the limos, repeat, hold the limos' and gave a thumbs up and beamed at the yank. and the rain continued.
A minute or so passed and he got another signal. He shrugged as if to say 'dunno' and raised the Walkie talkie again.
'Hold the limos, repeat, hold the limos'

Still raining and the yanks are now soaked on the mobile steps.

Another couple of minutes pass and the yank gofer is now visibly furious. The golfers are drenched, kicking off and so finally my oppo finally calls in the limos. They are collected by the limos one by one and the tweeds have properly got water logged.

Several weeks later, and after a European victory, me and my oppo are having a pint and conversation turned to the Ryder cup and what a great victory it was. My oppo's response was priceless:

'oi'd loike ta think oi had a hand in it meself'

I almost showered him with Guinness mid swig.

thermionic

Ben8010 said:

I'm not sure if this is a bit too strange but I'm gonna test the water a bit.

A couple of years ago my mate had a gathering/party at his house. As the night went on a few of the lads inevitably conked out and at one point I walked passed a room and heard my brother sniggering, as though he was up to something silly. I went in the room to see that one of our mates, who had passed out face down,

Sounds like your mate has an alcohol problem. Maybe he should go to an AA meeting.

57Deluxe

I think we need a thread of Memorable Tables too...

TheBlueWolf

Here's another one....

One summer afternoon I was on the lash and decided to pop into a pub round East London ( the Central London end ). I didn't get much further than the other side of the front door as I'd now realized I was in a spit & sawdust strippers bar. The barstaff were all female and dressed in nothing but stockings, high heels and thongs.

I'd have stuck around but for one of the women straddled across an 80 year old man, who looked like he was either going to come in his pants or have a heart attack 

I mumbled something before turning round and looking for some brain bleach lol

mike_l

^^You were the bloke being straddled weren't you?

TheBlueWolf

mike_l said:

^^You were the bloke being straddled weren't you?

Not that afternoon

Bridgehouse

Back in my uni days a group of us used to go out for midnight drives.

One guy in the group had a little metro, so we used to cram five of us in and then head out at 2 in the morning into the great beyond.

One night, we started being tailed by some traffic coppers who were clearly bored and thought five young uns in a metro were clearly up to no good. 

Five miles later he was still behind us as we headed deep into the forest of bowland. We somehow persuaded my driver mate to pull over, let the copper overtake and then tail him. So he did. As they drove past the two coppers in the car gave us the daggers and we simply waved back. We got away with following him for a couple of miles and then the blues came on and he signalled for us to pull over.

Now it's worth remembering that this was during the times when there was a spate of bombings by the IRA in the UK, and one of the guys in the car was Irish..

Policeman taps the window and the driver duly winds it down. The usual questions ensue and much apologising is done. It was at this point that I realised that the Irish guy in the back was scoffing his face from a bag of savoury snacks he had bought with us..

The copper leans in a bit, looks at the 3 lads in the back and says "what about you three hmm? Anything to say for yourselves?"

The Irish lad pipes up in his best Dublin accent 

"Would you like some pork pie officer? Oh, and you don't happen to know the way to the barracks do you?"

4 hours it took us to persuade him not to nick him. 4 bloody hours!

Hootsmon

starwarsnosebleed said:

How did the guy realise he had 2 AA batteries up his bum?

He had a bad discharge

boogieman

TheBlueWolf said:

Here's another one....

One summer afternoon I was on the lash and decided to pop into a pub round East London ( the Central London end ). I didn't get much further than the other side of the front door as I'd now realized I was in a spit & sawdust strippers bar. The barstaff were all female and dressed in nothing but stockings, high heels and thongs.

I'd have stuck around but for one of the women straddled across an 80 year old man, who looked like he was either going to come in his pants or have a heart attack 

I mumbled something before turning round and looking for some brain bleach lol

Reminds me of another story. A long time back we used to have "Gentlemens evenings" at work, hire an upstairs room at a pub, couple of comedians, couple of strippers, lots of alcohol. There was a bloke, probably mid 30s, that always used to claim he was a ladies man but everyone thought was a virgin as he was really naive and still lived with his mum. Most of his tales of conquest were deeply flawed too. 

So, on one night a stripper is doing her stuff and then unzips one of the audience and gets his tackle out. Mr Naive is very drunk by this time, gets his own tackle out and starts shouting things like "oi love, over here, come and see what a real bloke looks like". Stripper goes over to him and starts playing with him, then about 10 seconds later jumps back in disgust. He's only gone and ejaculated all over her. He was forever known as Two Stroke after that. 

Dopesick

hootsmon said:

starwarsnosebleed said:

How did the guy realise he had 2 AA batteries up his bum?

He had a bad discharge

Lucky his mate didn't get arrested for sexual assault - not sure how he'd cope with the weirdo inmates, let alone endure a cell...

TheBlueWolf

@boogieman ;

An old friend was like that His favourite story was about how he'd invited two women home during a heavy storm, sent them upstairs to dry off, then discovered them naked on his bed and offering him a No strings threesome lol.

He got caught out one evening as the woman he claimed to have pulled just by appearing at the pub admitted she'd met him on Plenty Of Fish

mike_l

I once punched a (so he said) murderer.


Full story,

While playing rugby at Stocken prison, a prisoner late tackled me. And by late, I'd passed the ball, the bloke after me had passed the ball and the third had kicked for touch late.

He kept saying "sorry mate, sorry mate" (prisoners tend to be well behaved, any bad report/sending off etc, usually gets lose of sports/privileges).

Any way I rolled him off and gave him a couple of digs in the face.

When  shaking hands at the end I asked what he was in for, his one word reply was "murder".......

m_c

This thread reminded me of an epic thread from years ago over on singletrack (mountainbike mag) forum.

May I present, The Picolax Thread

mike_l

m_c said:

This thread reminded me of an epic thread from years ago over on singletrack (mountainbike mag) forum.

May I present, The Picolax Thread

I've had picolax, it's nasty, nasty evil stuff.

Emp_Fab

Me too !  It's like shitting boiling acid for a day, where the gap between thinking you're about to shit yourself and actually shitting yourself is approximately three seconds.

Three seconds is usually an inadequate amount of time to reach a toilet.

m_c

I should of maybe mentioned that you need to read BluTone's posts in that picolax thread. I've read it a few times, and his posts still bring tears to my eyes.

Nitefly

m_c said:

I should of maybe mentioned that you need to read BluTone's posts in that picolax thread. I've read it a few times, and his posts still bring tears to my eyes.

It was epic!

thermionic

When I was at school, there was a minor crisis one day with teachers panicking because somebody had found a used condom in the grounds, picked it up with a stick and chased girls with it. At the time I didn't really know what a "rubber johnny" was, but it must have made an impression on me - the power to make people repulse in disgust...

Fast forward to a few years later, when I was a first year university student and I had an idea. Put a teaspoon or two of any milky fluid in a condom and it looked realistic. Nobody would go near it out of disgust, so it didn't need to bear scrutiny. So I had the basis of a great practical joke, just waiting for the right situation.

There was this guy who we knew, let's call him Pat. Pat was not particularly good-looking or charming but he was of the "if it moves, fuck it, if it doesn't move, fuck it until it does" school of thought. There were tales of him sleeping with alcoholic pub landladies 25 years his senior (big deal when you're 19), and a memorable one which involved him canoodling with a very drunk girl under a pub table, only to emerge with a bloody tampon string between his teeth. People who stood next to him at urinals reported him asking their opinion on his weeping sores. His regular visits to the STD clinic were no secret either.

So anyway, me and my friend "Dave" had been out one night and got back about 4am. I heard some ruckus as I went to my room, and inquired next morning. Dave had got back and found Pat in his room, asleep in his bed. Our hall was near the students union and Pat and his mates often stopped off on the way to their house, sometime crashing out in the lounge or in somebody's room to finish the journey home the next morning. As Dave took his bedsheets down to the launderette for a boil wash he said he'd found a handwritten note on his desk that read "Sorry Pat, you snore too much so I left, see you again". So not only had Pat slept in his bed, he had a girl in there with him!

This was the perfect setup for a practical joke. I diluted some milk with water and put a teaspoon in a condom... then put in another couple of teaspoons for added grossness. Sneaked in to Dave's room and lied on the bed, then threw my prop in the vague direction of the bin, as you would. I didn't see where it went, but figured he'd find it when he went to empty the bin, which was under the little en-suite sink which our rooms had.

Dave didn't say anything the next day, or the day after... or for the next couple of weeks. Obviously I couldn't say anything, so I had to leave it. Maybe he'd found it but was too embarrassed or disgusted to say anything. 

End of term comes around a few weeks later, and we're all packing up to go home for Easter. We all had some plates and cutlery around for use in the communal kitchens even though most meals were put on in the hall. Dave kept his in a washing-up bowl under his en-suite sink, and when he came to pack up his stuff he'd found the prophylactic. He knew it wasn't his doing and very quickly put 2 and 2 together - who else had been in his room with a woman?

So, back after Easter now, we're at the students union and Pat walks in.

Dave goes up to him and says "You dirty fucking bastard, you shagged a girl in my room and left a condom there!"

"No I didn't shag her Dave, we just talked for a while."

"Bollocks, you fucking shagged her in my bed. I found the condom..."

Then he spits out, with a look of utter disgust on his face -  "And it was... FULL!"

Pat protests his innocence, but of course it doesn't wash with his reputation.

Over the following weeks and months I feel a bit guilty about the prank, but can't possibly admit it was me. Eventually I show Dave how you can make one of these disgusting props for laughs - he's interested but he never twigs.

So, now, right at the end of our third year and some girl has been annoying Dave for some spurious reason. He's developing a right vendetta against her (let's call her Julie) for no justifiable reason. Dissecting the previous night's drunken antics one morning, Dave says:

"I had a really vivid dream last night boys. I dreamt I was stomping round the corridors wearing my black jeans, my black Dr Martens, my black polo neck and my black donkey jacket. I was wearing a balaclava and carrying a condom filled with salad cream, and I left it on Julie's door knob. When I woke up, on the floor of my room were my black jeans, my black Dr Martens, my black polo neck, my black donkey jacket... and a plastic bag with two eye-holes poked in it."

Julie of course had opened her door that morning to find what looked like a used condom on her door knob and reported this to the university authorities. The whole hall got bollocked later that day. That's the kind of behaviour you'd expect in an English public school, not in a university hall, we were told. We all glared at Dave, who shifted uneasily in his chair.