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Memorable tales..
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He frequently got seriously drunk ,woke in the night still non-compus and confused the bathroom door for the walk-in wardrobe door whereupon he pissed all over her designer shoes .....not once,not twice but 3 times !! on various occaisions over a few months . The first time she accepted ,the second time she was furious and the third time he was on final warning that if it ever happened again he was history .
He made a mental note that if he ever needed a wee in the night having been out getting drunk that he would go out the french doors and do it in the garden to avoid any possible confusion in his stupor .
Having got slaughtered at a dinner party he was determined not to fuck-up and dutifully remembered to go out into the garden,did his wee and got back into bed .
She woke him in the morning shouting and screaming into his hung-over face whilst tears streamed down her cheeks ...........
.....He had trodden in dog shit in the garden ,walked it into the carpet as he came back to bed and then left it smeared all over the expensive bed-linen and her leg ......it was everywhere .
He was dumped . He often tells the story now that they have been married for 25 years but I suspect that him and his liver probably have separate bedrooms 'cos he's still a big drinker.
Twisted Imaginings - A Horror And Gore Themed Blog http://bit.ly/2DF1NYi
When I worked in a magistrate's court you would get to recognise the regulars. I can't remember his name but let's call this one Sam - regular shoplifting charges to pay for his drug use.
Well, one day Sam was up on yet another charge but wasn't obviously in court. The legal advisor explained to the court that his parents had been in with a copy of his death certificate following a tragic overdose. All matters were withdrawn and whilst it wasn't surprising it was obviously quite shocking that this young man, who I knew to some extent, had died.
Court work would sometimes run late but you'd often be done by mid afternoon, which we were that day, so I thought I'd pop to the shops before going home. Stood outside the entrance to Safeway's ( that dates this) was a Big Issue seller. I did a bit of a double take but it was clearly Sam. As I remember it he acknowledged me first but I spoke to him and said something about how we had missed him that morning and he said he would go to the police station to sort it all out once he was finished selling his papers. For some reason I didn't mention his apparent miraculous resurrection.
Probably I should have done something else but I just did my shopping and went home, feeling rather perplexed.
Anyway, he didn't hand himself in but was arrested for beating up a Big Issue seller, stealing his copies and ID card and selling the stolen papers. I wasn't privvy to the details but I think because the court officials hadn't run a proper check on the death certificate Sam and his parents managed to avoid pervert the course of justice charges. I quite often pass that spot where I saw him with his stolen copies of the Big Issue and wonder what happened to Sam and all the regulars at court.
On the way back to the hostel it started raining but we were all pissed so didn't care. In fact, I didn't care about anything else except feeling mighty ill....unsurprisingly. So, back to the hostel and a few shenanigans with the female members of the group in the dorm when, suddenly, the warden appears and kicks them out and says that we need to make a bit of space on the floor for some very late new arrivals, all of whom are soaking wet. We do.
By this time the brown ale and whisky is really taking its toll but, heigh ho, I'm in the top bunk, right next to the window which I open and puke out of, ,much to the amusement of the rest of the lads. I notice that I'm puking over the roof over the front door and that it's all being washed away as it is raining fucking hard.
At this point, the whole room is shocked into silence by a huge crack outside, which is a lightning bolt hitting the conductor on the roof and going to earth - down the cable right next to the window that I'm hanging out of. Except that the cable probably wasn't connected to anything as there is another huge flash and crash, followed by, what can only be described as a bolt of lightning exiting the power point next to my metal bunk and finding the next closest power point on the other side of the room.
It goes without saying that this was a bit scary for everyone, both those of us in the metal bunk beds and especially the late arrivals sleeping on the floor, who just went as flat as humanly possible for the next few minutes until the lightning eased off.
Totally and utterly true, as is the fact that I had to clean the male washrooms, which everybody else had puked in, the next morning as I hadn't made it down for breakfast so was, clearly, the culprit.
And that was followed by the hardest 14 mile walk i have ever done, back to Brockenhust for the train.
There was the story of him going out on the lash with a friend from work, and he was going to stay at his friend's house rather than face a long bus ride home. Of course a drunken argument ensued half way through the night and his friend went home while Mad Jason carried on drinking. At the end of the night he stumbled to his friend's house only to find it locked. So he decided to smash a window in the back door to get in. He smashed the window and attempted to crawl in, got stuck and fell asleep on the spot. Only it wasn't his friend's house, it was the house next door. Spent the night in a police cell where they kept him in for some time to sober up and, I suspect, teach him a lesson. He turned up at work, several hours late, bloodied and clothes torn by broken glass. Can't fault his commitment to the job.
Anyway, there was guy who worked in the same department as me, Roger, who was profoundly deaf - from birth I suspect, because it was initially hard to understand his speech. The job didn't require much talking, but he had no problem, being an expert lipreader. Someone decided to play a prank on Mad Jason one day and rang him up.
(In an exaggerated deaf-person voice) "Hi Jason, it's Roger. There's something wrong with my PC, can you come and have a look?"
"Yeah, OK Roger, I'll be up in five minutes."
Now he had five minutes to think about this. Plenty of time to work out that a deaf person wouldn't be using a phone. Someone was pulling his leg. But no, in that five minutes, he came to a very different conclusion.
He burst into the room, strode to Roger's desk and started pointing his finger in poor Roger's face, angrily shouting...
"You bastard! I knew you weren't really deaf!"
As I say, Mad Jason had left before I started there, he'd got a better job. Looking after the IT systems at the local airport. Air Traffic Control. I kid you not.
Dude in work is a weirdo. Now for me to say that while I work there, means he is gone, out there!
23, the poor guys half bald (got the sides left), real trainwreck of a young man. Fascinated by anything and everything foriegn, mainly Egyptian, Syrian or somewhere Middle Eastern metal bands. In general he is slightly odd in the way he talks etc.
One day I was on lunch. Katie, a stunningly hot, slim, blonde bombshell and total 'I love sex, just not with you' sort of a colleague comes into the staff room and looks like shes seen a ghost.
She says 'I need to tell you something but you gotta promise not to tell anyone'
Curiosity killed me.
Whos the dad?
Youre a lesbian?
No?
She went on to tell me that this colleague of ours, lets call him Dave, had managed to get her number.
I instantly cracked up and imagined she'd been sent a tonne of dick pics!!
Except she said no, its worse.
Holy fuck! The hell could be worse?!
Oh, I was about to find out alright.
She said 'I feel bad because I told him I wouldnt tell anyone, but its too much now and im gonna burst if I dont!'
She couldnt find the words, so she pulled out her phone and showed me..
What I saw lads, was a fully grown 23 year old, very hairy on the body but with the bald head and just the old man side parts left, in a pose that he obviously thought was sexy, but it just looked very odd.
But then I noticed.. he's wearing lipstick. Wait a second, thats a pvc corset and he's got fishnets on!! This is the most un-feminine, metal head guy this side of the river.. baffling!
She flicked the images across the phone, there were more.. lots of womans lingerie, pvc and very fucking weird poses..
then came the text below the pictures.. a message that explained how he had 'lubed up' to get into the pvc tights.. ewww dude?
Anyway, turns out Dave is a closet crossdresser, thats cool, who cares.. but the thing is, he is under the impression only Katie, and the 4 other girls he told 'in confidence' are the only ones that know..
It took one week, for the entire store to know, the pictures were seen by everyone.. but alas, Dave still doesnt know everyone knows! Because no one there is pure nasty, so no ones said a thing..
But to this day, I cant look at him and not see the things I've seen!
I've even slipped random things into conversation, such as 'Bras, they look comfy ey mate?' Or 'if you was a girl, what would you call youself?' To see if he would say or confess anything! But nothing!
It was a normal Chemistry lesson in Year 9 and we were using Bunsen Burners to heat up water baths, quite a standard thing and not very dangerous. The way the classroom is laid out where I was sitting is that there is a row of 7 desks with a set of Gas Taps between each one. So I was standing with desks on either side of me just in front of where the gas tap is.
So I connect the rubber tube of the Bunsen Burner to the gas tap next to me, and go to get a lit splint. While I do that the guy working next to me is meant to turn the gas on at the tap. I went back and heard the gas running and so proceeded to light the burner but it wasn't working, I moved the splint closer and suddenly a huge jet of flame erupted from the top of the burner, it ran through the burner and back to the tap where the rubber tube has come off and there was a huge jet of flame coming from the tap. I immediately jumped back and was then trapped in the small space between the desk, the wall and the flames panicking. It took at least 1 and half minutes for the teacher to realise what happened and turn the gas off!
That teacher was always a bit weird, she only showed up to half of our lessons so we didn't learn much.
Anyway it turned out that the person next to me removed the tube as a joke, what he didn't realise is that the explosion could have been much bigger if I had taken even a few more seconds to get that splint.
This is by far the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
Talking of explosions. Last summer I was out the front porch about midnight, all was silent, having a fag when I heard 3 massive loud bangs, the first 2 in rapid succession then the 3rd.
I could tell it was high, as in came from the top of a tower block or the sky.. no shit.. but theres no tower blocks around so I was a bit confused. Couldnt see a damn thing anywhere.
Way way too loud to have been fireworks, it was over in split seconds but the echo reverbed around for a little. It made me jump. Hearing it echo off the land made me even more sure it happened in the sky.
Went in and pondered calling the authorities, thought a plane could have come down or something!
So naturally I just went out for another fag to wonder on it all. Pulled out my phone about 20 minutes later and saw a mate some 7 odd miles away had put a status up about having just heard explosions!
Next morning I searched the news and found out that residents all over East London had heard these bangs..
Turned out it was a pair of Eurofighters had been scrambled, and went supersonic somewhere over us.
Knowing theyre not allowed to do that over built up areas except in emergencies, I was even more intrigued! Think the official reason given was that they were scrambled to recon areas of UK interest off our coast, and something to do with Russian aircraft..
I care not for all that! I'm still stoked I heard the sound barrier being broken in real life! Even if I didnt see anything haha.
I was about 18, it was 1990 and the recreational drug scene was pretty much at its peak. I'd been living in central Salford for about 6 months and decided to go see a mate in the slightly more leafy Chorlton.
Anyways about 3 days later I am on a terrible comedown after indulging in piles of speed and LSD, chain smoking spliffs to "chill meself out" and supposed to be at work but still at my mates. I am tremulous and very paranoid, the previous night had been a Syd Barret-ian night of exporation with 2.5 grams of wizz and 4 acid trips consumed each.
Suddenly in the flat appears a well known head from the Cheetham Hill gang, an older black gent in his late 30s/40s with a scar on his face that travelled from above his eye down to his jawline and his girlfriend with a black eye. He seemed ok and quite friendly and knew my mate, for the sake of this story we'll call him Jimmy. Anyway Jimmy says to my mate, c'mon get in the car we're going out, just as we are leaving a bunch of Chinese lads appear at the flat, I think there were about 8 of them, and all very stoned, looking to buy some weed off my mate.
Jimmy says to them "No, you're coming with us, get in the car" I'm thinking, "WTF I just want to go home and hide in bed, Who is this gangster, who are these Chinese guys, are they TRIADS? where are we going, I want my mum etc"
So we get in this 2 car convoy, Both cars stuffed with the Chinese lads, we don't know where we are going but we are all too scared to stand up to the pied-piper like magnetism of Jimmy.
So after 10 minutes drive we pull up on to an estate in Moss Side and all pile out of the cars, the Chinese lads (who barely speak English are looking confused and I'm looking at the back of my mates head desperately trying to contact him telepathically the words "lets jump back in the car and fuck off when no-ones looking".
Anyway we all get led down a load of rabbit warren like alleyways on this estate, and to a door which is answered by a very Jolly woman with a thick Jamaican accent.
"Who you brought wid you Jimmy, the fucking United Nations?" followed by a Rusty Lee/Frank Bruno type bellowing laugh.
We all get invited in and sit in this lounge which has all the curtains drawn, the place is thick with dope smoke and in the half-light I can make out out the shape of several Dreadlocked heads.
"Sit down you Russian bwoy" says one of the huge Rastas and I sit down, in fact we all do. I wonder whether I should explain that I'm not Russian at this point but just go along with it as I'm frankly too scared to speak, my mind is in rags by now.
Now I'm sat second from the end of a long sofa sandwiched between 2 Rasta guys, my mate is sat sort of opposite on another long sofa and the Chinese lads are sat wherever they fit, the room is filled with heavy ganja smoke and "how did I get here" confusion.
Anyway I find myself as part of this chain off pass along spliffs only Im unsure of the protocol and everytime I get the spliff it is nearly down to the roach and I'm thinking "Is it rude to pass along a nearly dead spliff to the Rasta on my right?" this is very pre-occupying to my tired and emotional mind, I get round this by limply sort of apologising in a very white English way every time I pass it on, the Rasta says fuck all every time, not a sausage.This makes me feel worse.
Suddenly 2 kids appear in from of me, about 6 yrs old and one says "you're smoking weed, you're an undercover cop" We've seen you on the estate, you're Babylon"
The previously silent Rasta next to me says to to Jimmy, "Hey Jimmy man, why you bringing Babylon to the ting"
Jimmy looks at my mate and says "Is he Babylon?" my mate says no, however Jimmy starts getting more exited and saying "wait wait wait, are you fuckin Babylon" standing over me" At this point I am manfully holding back tears and say "no mate I'm 18, I aint a cop".
At this point another Rasta leaves the room ranting and raving about "Raasclaart in my Yard" I am suddenly very alone and very far from home.
He re- enters the room carrying an UZI sub machine gun and points it at my head screamin something about Bumbaclaart and pulls the trigger with a click, My tongue tingles like when you lick a battery I quite frankly piss in my pants onto the sofa (luckily I have black tracky bottoms on and the sofa is also very dark coloured. After I dont know 2 or 3 seconds the whole room bursts into laughter and the Rasta with the gun says, "Replica gun man" and they all have a jolly laugh, the Chinese guys look very uncomfortable and my mate is just sat holding his head in his hands. Meanwhile Im sat in my own piss and I feel like I'm going to puke. Miraculously no-one notices the piss which turns out to be less than I'd thought as I sit there for about another 5 minutes being handed spliffs and generally wishing death would come but also feeling very glad to be alive.
Thinking you are a millisecond from death is very traumatising and even now nearly 30yrs later if somebody points a stick at me I get a whoozy feeling and a tingling sensation right between the eyes.
So yes that's my story.
The old man did it for years and got quite chatty with the major, who was apparently very old school and stiff upper lip, dontcha know old chap. He asked my dad one day about the shop, who came in etc and my dad started telling him that quite a few celebs, tv and film stars came in. (The shop was in Bayswater, Kenneth Moore, Lord Snowden and Spike Milligan were regulars). The major wasn't impressed and said he hated name droppers. " In fact I was just saying that to the Queen the other day ".
When I was a youngster I worked in the local chemist as a dispenser and knew which of the local girls were on the pill
Back in those days a prescription for the pill was called a standing order and the chemist kept the prescription and dispensed the pills tae the girls once every month
Picture the scene......The pharmacist is having some difficulty finding a particular girls prescription and the girl is standing in a crowded front shop. The chemist pops his head out of the back shop dispensary and shouts tae the girl..."when was the last time you got it?" He was of course referring tae the prescription
The girl turns a few shades of white then red and whispers rather sheepishly from a packed front shop floor....."Oh, that would be Saturday night"
I swear tae God it's true
A couple of years ago my mate had a gathering/party at his house. As the night went on a few of the lads inevitably conked out and at one point I walked passed a room and heard my brother sniggering, as though he was up to something silly. I went in the room to see that one of our mates, who had passed out face down, now had his arse out and my brother was putting an AA battery in there. In my drunken state I thought this was hilarious and stayed there as he put a second one right up in there. I ended up sleeping in the airing cupboard that night. Anyway, the next day I got a call off my very worried mate, who now had 2 AA batteries up his arse, going "I need you to be honest with me, have I got a battery up my arse?" I just laughed "I'm being serious, I could die here because of the acid!" Perhaps he could've, and we probably should have been a little more concerned about it. We all met at the pub anyway and his brother-in-law came down with a plunger, which was hilarious at the time, and off went battery arse into the toilet. He came out saying the pinging sound of the batteries hitting the pan was the most relieving sound he's heard.
His Mum was furious with my brother apparently, but his Dad found it very funny.
I'm starting to regret sharing this already but I've already spent 5 mins typing it and I don't want to see that precious time wasted
*Note to self* never accept a party invitation from @Ben8010
Dread to think what became of your Brother to be honest...
Chips are "Plant-based" no matter how you cook them
Donald Trump needs kicking out of a helicopter
I'm personally responsible for all global warming
^This^
seriously though, did anybody get charged?
EDIT: I've just got the joke... eventually