Devastating News

guitarfishbay

RE: playing.

My g/f's mum got ill and passed away last year. I don't want to derail your thread but her condition was tough to cope with (especially for my g/f) and I stopped playing completely for several months to support, even then getting back to it took time. But I'm playing again now and back recording with my band. It's something that you'll do when it feels right. There's no time limit or rush, there may be times when it helps you and there may be times you don't want to play. 

xinkai

Just popping by to remind you to think positive and don't harbour negative thoughts about the future! To add on, don't regret about what you haven't done. No point in that, and your resolve with guitar playing was probably one of the qualities she admired in you anyway.

Give it some time and you could probably resume playing, now with an added meaning - to remember her by. Maybe even teach the kids to play!

Bucket

thomasross20 said:
And to be honest, I haven't touched a guitar since I heard the news - my heart's not in it (I wonder if that part of my life will come to a close - I can't imagine practising for hours every day like I used to - I now wish I'd spent those hours doing more with her). 

Fyi I don't mean to drag the forum atmosphere down with this thread. It's one of my few releases. If it gets too much I can just write my own personal log on my computer, as this could go on for a while. 

a) Give it time, don't feel like you have to give up and ffs don't feel bad for the hours of practice - you weren't to know, and it was something you loved doing. You might come back to it and find you still love it.

b) Don't you dare feel bad for posting on here. Any of us would probably do the same. Vent away, we're here to help if we can and it's always better out than in.

richardhomer

With regard to playing, after a period of immense emotional trauma, I virtually stopped. I think the mind simply becomes overwhelmed - and the parts that allow playing don't seem to work somehow....

If you'll forgive me for saying, unless you really need the money - it sort of feels like selling some guitars might be an act of self-flagilation as a sort of 'pay-back' for spending too much time with them. Clearly you don't get to be able to play at your level without working pretty hard at it - your dedication to your craft isn't something which should ever be resented by someone who loves you.

Playing is certainly not a priority for you now, I'm sure - but you don't need to make any decisions about it now.

thomasross20

Maybe I'll pick up some guitars next weekend and the magic will return!

DiscoStu

There's no right or wrong way to deal with things, you just have to find the way that works for you. You don't have to play guitar again, or you may find a sudden spurt of creativity and energy come on and it becomes your release.
There ain't no rules!

thomasross20

Result of doctor appointment: 

- Sheena's "outlook" has been reduced to less than a year, months at worst due to the rate of spread. 

- Surgery is not an option. 

- We explored a lot of exotic therapies but only a traditional chemotherapy was recommended in the end and even then only a small proportion of people getting it benefit, only for a couple of months extension, and it makes them feel terrible, so Sheena is inclined to decline but has 2 weeks to think about it. 

- I have massive reservations about selling this flat and buying a new-build house with a vague June-August timeline but she doesn't want to hear it - she wants to push on. I am sh!tting myself if she needs constant care and I have to sort out flat selling, house buying, work sabbatical and all that stuff while having to take proper care of her. Plus while she is looking forward to it (and I'd have DEEP regret if she never saw her new home) it takes away from time we can spend together.

- We're going to a Maggie's centre next week to get general info. For me, it'll be warning signs and what support I can get at what stages. TBH I'm, still not 100% sure about the difference between Maggies and MacMillan - I think they offer the same support but Maggie's is also more geared toward hospice and end of life care. 

F*&%.
I feel quite numb - can't even bring myself to tears. 

mikeyrob73

@thomasross20 ;

Your some man being able to cope with all this and doing everything you do are doing, hats off to you. 
Get your guitars out and have some time with them man, i find it the best therapy, even 10 minutes can relax me in a way nothing else can. 

richardhomer

Sorry to hear this Thomas.

Here's how I see it; a house purchase takes a while to finalise and Sheena wants it very much. Why not just run with it for the time being?

I hate to say this - but in the interests of honesty I will - if her condition deteriorates sooner than expected, it would be reasonable to reappraise the sense in continuing with the purchase. In fact surely you could discuss this eventuality now and agree that in those circumstances, it might make sense not to proceed?

Cirrus

Very sorry for you as I read through this thread.

But I'd like to say thank you, because to be so open and candid about your situation and experience helps others, and takes a lot of strength - possibly you don't even realise how strong you must be to do this.

Regarding the house, just going from what I've read here, how old are her daughters? Will they be living with you? Is some aspect of the house buy because she wants to know that she's leaving her family in a good place? I can only begin to imagine, but I think I'd want that if it were me.

Much love to you. x

Roland

Tom. I'm glad you are coming to Birmingham this weekend. You need a break from this. See you Sunday.

TheBlueWolf

Catching up on this thread has made for sobering reading

@thomasross20 I hope you don't take this the wrong way but try not to run yourself into the ground over this. You've gained a lot of respect and admiration for how you're coping during a traumatic time but I'd hate to see you getting too stressed over it all. It's a hell of a lot to be taking on so quickly dude

My Grandfather ended up in a hospice for his last month and I've nothing but praise for how dignified his treatment was there. It's fucking awful seeing someone in the last couple of days before cancer claims them but his end was as good as we could have made it.

Keep posting on here and if you want send me a PM anytime. You're surrounded by friends dude

thomasross20

MacMillan said that hospice is a GP-referred thing, so it's not like you can just walk in, right? 

Re the house... I've had many, many very honest chats (our chats are always honest and open) and she 100% wants it. Something to look forward to, there's the chance it *might* be ready for her, it is security for her girls. So I've said we need to face facts and set out solid plans for worst-case scenarios. So if the SHTF during that exact time, she can move into her sister's spare bedroom for care and I will rely on those close to me to speed up (big-time) the house move. I've got a guy from work who is "good with housing" agree to be our snagger, if we can't get a "pro" in to do that. If I were in her situation, I'd cancel the whole thing but it's what she wants so we'll see how things pan out.

FYI her girls are 20 and 22 (eldest is autistic). 
I think their dad maybe needs to do a bit more as I'm the one that's looking into her eldest daughter's daily plan (she needs the help) and he's been a bit hands off. It's a lot to "dump" onto a 32 year old step dad..! I think people think things can just continue the way they have been but I don't think so. I'm cool with them staying with me (and I'm leaving them the house in my will!) but I hope others, including their blood-father, step up to the mark and do their bit. 

Pardon my guitar playing at the show - it's been a while (2 weeks lol).

TheBlueWolf

My Grandfather went from hospital to the hospice so you're probably right that Sheena's GP should be able to arrange it

How well do you get on with the girls dad? I'm thinking a friendly chat over a drink might help get him on side.

thomasross20

We get on well and we chatted about in in vague terms but he's the sort of "hands-off" person there's no real point in discussing details with him. Basically if Lisa's college course ends she'd love to sit and play computer games all day and I hope her dad would help in deciding what else she can do in her life - but I doubt it. 

We're off to Crieff Hydro for 2 days but I'll be reading Homeowners Alliance website page-to-page so I'm ready and not about to get shafted during troubling times. 

Still, I'd rather we stayed where we are as I could afford to take some time off work to spend that quality time with her but it looks like it'll be normal routing + WFH a day a week or so and I'll have to play it by ear. 



I need to be check what happens with G N R in Madrid in June... and also the Aerosmith gig. It might be I just forgo those and take the cash hit, which is fine. But for GNR a friend was also going and it's all paid for and you need to get the tickets an hour before (with me showing my ID, bank card and receipt). I've mailed the ticket seller. Terrible policy!


I can't believe how numb I feel and how the news just gets worse and worse. First the diagnosis a year ago. Then news it was in two lymph nodes. Then news it had probably been growing for up to 10 years and a proper colonoscopy in 2014 might have prevented this. Then the news 2 weeks ago that  is is now critical with up to 2 years. And now news that it's more like months. That's on top of a sh!tload of other crap news, none of which adds up to this but which adds up nonetheless. I'm absolutely heartbroken.

Alnico

I've sat here for 20 minutes trying to think of what to type following that ^ post......

The only practical thing i can find is this:
Dealing with what you have to deal with is going to pull everything out of you daily.

Please try to find one thing, no matter how small or daft it may seem, that gives you some comfort, even small.

When you need it most, it's *something* to grab and that becomes important, even if it doesn't seem it now.

You have two children there who are going to look at you and say "Help Me !"
You're going to need more strength again for them and you literally have no choice (not that you'd want that !) so you HAVE to find a way of grabbing something for strength, for yourself.

You're a selfless person, which isn't making things easier for you personally, that's clear but i am trying to point out how much you will feel that weakness later. It won't be apparent now but working on it now will help later. Strength is built, not acquired.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's offered you contact details in case you need it and there's a reason people do that, it's because they can see more clearly than you at times like this and they know at some points,...................I'm sorry to say it but you're going to break.
Thinking you won't is futile and embracing that 'comfort thing' is the only real defense against it.

If anyone reads this and thinks it's easy for me to type these words, you're very wrong, i'm holding my stomach as i type. I consider this to be the kind of thing i would say to a close friend who i care about. A friend would warn a friend if he saw something coming. A friend can use those words and they shouldn't be taken the wrong way.

If for some reason they are by anyone, I've typed it wrongly or it's been misunderstood.
I've tried to write this with the *greatest* of respect to everyone.
I sincerely hope that shows.

RocknRollDave

@Alnico ; Excellent post.

thomasross20

I'll get back to you all when I can... Just on a few days break and ordered not to touch my phone! Re help and calls - just haven't had the time, running at full capacity.

Fyi the name of the chemo drug Sheena is going to decline is Irinotecan.

My work are ok with spot days off and need to find out but minimum 50% pay for 4 months if I need it, which is a relief. 

Cheers for now

TheBlueWolf

@Alnico no offence taken dude.

thomasross20

Argh!
I woke up a bit ill. Just as we start our break! May have been the cottage pie yesterday.

Now it's snowing and Sheena can't get any beauty treatments and the spa is booked up and we're in a queue to wait for breakfast. Not the break I hoped for.