I'm not sure if anyone has been through this sort of thing but curious if they have any experience with it.
A couple of months ago my wife of 18 years (together for 22) told me out of the blue that she was unhappy and wanted a divorce - and actually told me formally she was divorcing me on our 18th wedding anniversary.
Since then she has told me via email she feels has decided it is in best interests for our son not to have any contact with me for the time being - her reasoning is that I have depressive episodes, he should not have to be around me as it could be upsetting for him in case I am such a mood.
It has now been several weeks since I have had any contact with him. he will not open my messages (I don't bombard him just send him 1 a night to tell him I love and miss him.)
I was able to speak to my ex yesterday briefly and she says he does not want to see me, he has not opened a gift I sent him and a card i sent him remains unopened. From a legal standpoint I'm told by a lawyer he is of an age where the courts would say he is old enough to say what he wants, although her wording that "I have decided it is in his best interests" not to have contact me leaves me worried that this is largely coming from her. I feel I have always had a very good relationship with my son until his mother decided to divorce me.
Anyways, it has been weeks since being cut off from my son and have no idea of when or if I will see him again.
Curious if anyone else has been through a child being alienated from them or similar situation,. Its pretty damn painful.
Comments
However I have spent (too much?) time around people with depression and can confirm that it hasn’t affected me as a child or adult.
We all handle things differently but I don’t think that’s a reasonable justification for stopping contact.
Unless of course there’s some behaviours that you present that would make your son very uncomfortable. How old is he?
You're in a bad spot. Women can be incredibly spiteful when they decide they don't want to keep the family unit intact anymore.
You need to consult a lawyer. Someone who is going to fight for your rights as a parent. If you stay away just to keep the peace, sort of knowing that your son hasn't made this choice for himself (brainwashing or lies for example) then you're setting yourself up for some severe heartache in the future.
Please don't do what most men do in this situation. They remain quiet and don't fight their corner in the vain hope that she will change her mind. She is not going to change her mind. She'll drive a stake through your heart to get what she wants.
I'm talking in generalities, but I've seen it happen too many times. Other guys will scoff at this response but that's because they don't know any better.
Look after yourself. Stay away from booze and drugs. It wont help.
I'm not going to scoff, because I have heard a number of horror stories too. I would like to point out that there are plenty of women that don't do this sort of thing (neither of the mothers of my kids have) and that men can do all sorts of weird things in these situations too.
I definitely agree that if you had a good relationship with your son before then you should be able to stay in contact going forwards. You only have her word about how he currently feels, and I doubt her word is worth a whole lot based on her behaviour.
If you can find a way of making contact without your ex getting in the way, maybe a school friend or another relative, then you might find that he's agreeing with his mother just to stop her giving him grief. If he's old enough to make his own mind up then he might choose to live with you, so don't give up until you have a much better idea of the facts.
In hindsight, more about me than you, so probably not too helpful/relevant.
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Giving advice beyond that is difficult because so much depends on the relationships you all had. As a minimum though, ensure he knows where you are and how to contact you. Accept that it might be weeks or months before he does. Stay in touch, but not daily, possibly even not weekly. Unprompted gifts probably won’t work either.
Ultimately, you can’t determine what he’ll do, nor when. It’s down to him.
Ironically, my son went to the same Uni that I did, and did a similar degree. He’s currently working in a very similar field and is a part-time musician.
Don't know what to suggest really other than to seek professional help CitAdv. and maybe speak to your doctor. Don't suffer in silence.
Really hope you get things sorted.
Anyway, I think what needs to be made clear in your situation is what your son wants. Also, your wife's perceived reality of the situation somehow needs adjusting. Her maternal instinct might be trying to "protect" her only child whereas the reality is that he's under no actual harm – often we can become so transfixed by what we believe to be true without cross-examining it first. And if anything is harming your son, it's giving him the belief that depression and depressive people are not good to be around. That really needs nipping in the bud. We're trying to get away from being stigmatised, not have others reinforce it.
Good luck with it all. I would certainly seek professional advice as other's have suggested
The only person who should be telling you what your son wants to do is your son. Until divorce proceedings are completed, this stand off will probably continue.
Stop the daily e-mails. Those could be wilfully misinterpreted as harassment.
Instead, find a way to communicate to your son that he is always unconditionally welcome to resume contact with you if/when he wishes to. Once the lad reaches the age of eighteen, he is free to make his own decisions.
Meanwhile, if a court decides that you are financially liable for some of the costs of your son's upbringing up until the age of eighteen, your legal representative ought to be able to make a counterargument for access.
Dealing with depression is hard enough, to then lose your family like this is extremely tough.
My advice is to take all steps, legally, to obtain contact with your son. Obviously I am an outsider, and your son's health etc comes before anything, but this seems like an extreme step to take.
I really struggle to see why people can't just help people when they are struggling. A mental health issue is just like a broken leg, so help someone with getting from A to B, which might be dealing with the depression and finding a way out.
I speak from experience, not from having a family etc, or a wife, but from having a partner of 10 years who, around 8.5 years, totally changed personality because I finally admitted I was struggling with anxiety and stress (high pressure job and helping her with her entire life!).
I was completely let down by her support when I needed it, and I kept on working! I kept saving money, I was sensible, and the worst thing to come from it was I had a rough 'year' and probably drank a little too much alcohol.
I never could understand why she was so horrible about my situation. Fast forward to December 2018, and she had lied for 6 months and had actually bought an ENTIRE house behind my back, with her family being in on it.
I hope you get some peace with all this. Dealing with mental health is hard work for the sufferer and the partner, and I currently have a partner who also struggles every few days, but I think supporting them is the best medicine.
My feedback thread is here.
more important you need to get yourself sorted DR medication counselling exercise etc whatever will help to stabilise your mental health. As if you go for mediation formal custody agreement your mental health will be one of her objections and if it impacted in to your sons life when you were together you need to show you have your shit sorted getting help.
Once you have a little balance it is then time to suggest mediation or legal. Piling in almost immediately will probably make your mental health a lot worse way to much stress.
take care of yourself first some time out will not destroy his bond to you, He needs you to be your best version.