Friday humour

starwarsnosebleed

Ive tried Morethan, Admiral, Aviva, Churchill...none of them will insure my arse cos it has a crack in it.

fnpt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQHHHo3fpug

HAL9000

Newsreader claims noises heard on Skegness beach are the sighs of whales.

eSully

PVO_Dave

Tony's gonna stand on an egg

EricTheWeary

In South America they have discovered a beetle that can jump higher than the average house.

This is because most houses can't jump.

Fretwired

Fretwired

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Pakistani, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, an Iraqi, and a Nigerian went to a posh, upmarket night club.

The bouncer said: “Sorry, I can’t let any of you in without a Thai.”

Fretwired

Fretwired

Chalky

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Fretwired

BigMonka

http://i.imgur.com/NpTWLnD.jpg

hotpot

Fretwired

Fretwired

boogieman

Shamelessly pinched from another forum.

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Key," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned as often as needed to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. So she goes for that.


Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've kept turning the key and I've always loved the results, but now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,those are your breasts!"

She said, "Ahhh. No point asking about the beard then"

Fretwired

hotpot

DesVegas

It's wednesday today, but maybe it's friday somewhere in the world??

Anyways, confession time

http://i.imgur.com/kySDRHg.png