Friday humour

TTony

hootsmon said:

That's got to be for @Emp_Fab

HAL9000

Was walking the dogs just after breakfast today and cut through the old churchyard. As I was passing the gravestones, the vicar came out of the church and called out 'Morning'.

'No' I replied, 'just walking the dogs'.





(Drum roll, cymbal!)

EricTheWeary

I've become slightly intrigued by the grown up Ladybird books and their derivatives. This is from the Ladybird book of mid life crisis. http://i1278.photobucket.com/albums/y513/phlplls/Mobile Uploads/2015-12/653ECDEE-558E-417B-806D-73596CFD1813.png_zpslpa8z98w.jpeg

EricTheWeary

This is from the Dung Beetle We go to the Gallery which is the book that started it all I believe http://i1278.photobucket.com/albums/y513/phlplls/Mobile Uploads/2015-12/75D8A6E9-8B5C-49A4-8F70-F07BC2037E60.png_zpsdkfhmkb8.jpeg

Fretwired

HAL9000

An Aer Lingus flight is on it's final approach to Gatwick. Suddenly the captain turns to the co-pilot and says 'Will you look at that Paddy, that must be the shortest runway I've ever seen'.

'So it is captain' says Paddy, 'that's going to be tricky'.

'I'll tell you what' says the captain, 'I'm going to touch down where the tarmac begins, and I'll need you to hit the brakes, apply full reverse thrust, and start praying'.

'I'm praying already captain'.

Anyway, the captain manages to put the wheels down exactly where the grass stops and the runway starts. Paddy hits the brakes, applies full reverse thrust, and somehow the aircraft screeches to a shuddering halt just before the grass starts again.

The crew take a moment to compose themselves.

Eventually the captain gets his breath back and says 'Paddy, if I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't have though any runway would be that short'.

Paddy looks both left and right and eventually says 'It's bloody wide though'.


Boom! Boom!

boogieman

HAL9000;878254" said:

An Aer Lingus flight is on it's final approach to Gatwick. Suddenly the captain turns to the co-pilot and says 'Will you look at that Paddy, that must be the shortest runway I've ever seen'.

'So it is captain' says Paddy, 'that's going to be tricky'.

'I'll tell you what' says the captain, 'I'm going to touch down where the tarmac begins, and I'll need you to hit the brakes, apply full reverse thrust, and start praying'.

'I'm praying already captain'.

Anyway, the captain manages to put the wheels down exactly where the grass stops and the runway starts. Paddy hits the brakes, applies full reverse thrust, and somehow the aircraft screeches to a shuddering halt just before the grass starts again.

The crew take a moment to compose themselves.

Eventually the captain gets his breath back and says 'Paddy, if I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't have though any runway would be that short'.

Paddy looks both left and right and eventually says 'It's bloody wide though'.


Boom! Boom!

I was at a company dinner in 1970something. Lance Percival was the guest speaker and told the same joke.

menamestom

Hermaphrodites.  Right cocky cunts.

Fretwired

siremoon

boogieman said:

HAL9000;878254" said:

An Aer Lingus flight is on it's final approach to Gatwick. Suddenly the captain turns to the co-pilot and says 'Will you look at that Paddy, that must be the shortest runway I've ever seen'.

'So it is captain' says Paddy, 'that's going to be tricky'.

'I'll tell you what' says the captain, 'I'm going to touch down where the tarmac begins, and I'll need you to hit the brakes, apply full reverse thrust, and start praying'.

'I'm praying already captain'.

Anyway, the captain manages to put the wheels down exactly where the grass stops and the runway starts. Paddy hits the brakes, applies full reverse thrust, and somehow the aircraft screeches to a shuddering halt just before the grass starts again.

The crew take a moment to compose themselves.

Eventually the captain gets his breath back and says 'Paddy, if I hadn't seen it myself, I wouldn't have though any runway would be that short'.

Paddy looks both left and right and eventually says 'It's bloody wide though'.


Boom! Boom!

I was at a company dinner in 1970something. Lance Percival was the guest speaker and told the same joke.

It's also on one of Jasper Carrott's early live standup albums iirc

Moss

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CVNQi_tXIAA_vLz.jpg

Headphones

Pipe aboard ship:

Leading Seaman Woozy, upper deck.

A true story 11:00 toady!

Fretwired

Fretwired

Fretwired

Phil_aka_Pip

From now on, I believe in the Prophet Muhammed.......................

I decided to go to the local mosque for the first time to see what it was all about:


I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand  and said: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you will walk today."

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards,  earnestly repeated his mantra: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you will walk today."

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside --- wouldya beleeve it ----











MY CAR WAS GONE!!!!

 

Moss

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/f5/a6/45/f5a645fed34728cf4f45a513a6a67953.jpg

hotpot

EricTheWeary

http://i1278.photobucket.com/albums/y513/phlplls/Mobile Uploads/2015-12/6E93A543-B328-4A86-BF6B-73B439034859_zpsccdw3hgy.jpg

ESBlonde

Just been sent this in an email so thought I'd share.

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for.

And what happens Christmas morning? That fat f*cker with a beard gets all the credit!!

Still I suppose its my fault for marrying her ... !!

I happened to run into an old school friend today. 
He started bragging, talking about his well paying job and expensive life style. 
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, 
"She's beautiful, isn't she?" 
I said, 
"If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." 
He said, 
"Why? Is she a stunner?" 
I said, .

Sad news: the man who invented predictive text has died. His funfair is next sundial.

.

 

My kids keep on taking the piss out my Alzheimer's.

Wait till the cheeky little buggers wake up on Christmas morning and find no eggs under the bonfire.

 

--------

 

An old guy, aged 80 was sitting on a park bench one morning.His friend who was 87, had just finished jogging around the park and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him how he managed to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every morning, It gives me enough energy to spend an hour at the gym every day, jog around the park and then run home.
Then I eat more in the evening and I can shag all night like a teenager." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, an elderly saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit except me."

.

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."