Friday humour

TheOtherDennis

Teetonetal said:

TheOtherDennis said:

Announcement at the Swiss Annual Yodelling Championships - 

"Could all contestants please form an orderlyorderlyorderlyorderlyorderly queuuuuueeeuuuuueee!"

Gotta be a pedant. That's Austrian yodeling. Swiss yodeling does none of that. It' very slow close part harmony singing.

Fucking typical.

There always has to be someone who wants to make a mountain out of a mountain.

rocktron

1. Shortly after Mrs John Wayne Bobbit cut off her husband’s penis (which is actually happened!!!), she panicked and, still holding the thing in her hand, ran blindly out to her car and drove rapidly away from the scene.

After a few miles she started to regain her composure, and realizing that she was still holding her husbands severed member, opened her window and threw it out into the traffic.

An elderly couple were travelling in the opposite direction when the object hit the windscreen of their car. Braking rapidly to a halt quickly awoke the dozing passenger.

 "Whatever’s the matter John?" she asked. "Did we have an accident?"

 "No dear", he says, "but did you see the size of the prick on that wasp?"

2. A new young monk arrives at a monastery.

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery, where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to the crypts to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the 'R', we forgot the 'R'."

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

 With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "Celebrate, the word is Celebrate!"

Hootsmon

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axisus

hootsmon said:

I fell for that one ...

axisus

axisus

Hootsmon

rocktron

1. A man enters a gents’ hairdressers for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

 "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

 The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

 "And what if I swallow it?"

 "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back in a few days like everyone else does."

 2. Why do bald-headed men never use keys?

 Because they've lost their locks.

 3. If the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, how did the barbers arrive?

 On clipper ships.

 4. Why was the lady's hair angry?

 Because she was always teasing it.

 5. What should you buy if your hair falls out ?

 A good vacuum cleaner !

 6. What kind of hair do oceans have ?

 Wavy !

 7. What do you call a pen with no hair ?

 A bald point !

 8. What do you call a policeman with blonde hair ?

 A fair cop !

 9. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head, a beer belly sticking out and still think they're handsome.

 (Not sure whether that is PC these days!!!)

 10. If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.

If he is bald at the back, he is sexy.

If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.

 11. Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair!

 12. If you want a nice man go for a bald one - they try harder.

 13. Bald men are more aerodynamic !!!

quarky

Hootsmon

Fretwired